Private Gold 57: Big Member Review

Reviewed by Nat Hocken  on  3/30/2003

I don’t want to come across as superficial, but Rita Faltoyano (no offence, Rita) does not have perfect tits. It’s a measure of how goofy Private’s “Big Member” is, however, that she is introduced with exactly these words, as a girl with “perfect tits.” They’re big, they’re round, and I’m sure she’s quite proud of them, but didn’t anyone notice the protruding mole on her left breast? Akira Fubuki she ain’t.

Minor point? How about this? The story is ostensibly about a whole society forbidden to have sex by a tyrannical leader known as Big Member. In reality, it’s about a bunch of people who complain about not being able to have sex even as they indulge themselves at every opportunity. Trying to make sense out of the story here is worse than a waste of time because it will only distract you from the sex. Trust me, it’s a distraction you don’t need; you’ll have your hands full trying to fight through director Antonio Adamo’s “arty” photographic shifts.

I think I’d like this movie if Adamo had shot it straight. I think I’d like this movie if Adamo simply hadn’t gone to the blurry slow-motion well nearly so often. But this reprocessed effect—of slow-motion shot on even slower film, so that the performers’ movements are slightly blurred—is as ubiquitous as the images of Big Member himself. It takes a different mindset than my own to appreciate this kind of discontinuity.

At any rate, I’m certain I like pretty 19-year-old Hungarian Seurine. Adamo’s eye for beauty never fails him here, and Seurine shares the first scene in the film with Black Widow (and Mike Blue, whose character name is John Thomas; I’ve got a human psychology note for Big Member: if you want to outlaw sex, try eliminating names with sexual connotations first). Black Widow, 20, Romanian, is another good-looking young girl, but Seurine has the sort of girl-next-door beauty that “Playboy” has made famous throughout the world—more of an ideal wife than mistress. She’s sexy, but sweetly pretty as well.

If she has a flaw it is that she hangs back during the lesbian portions of the scene. Our girl with perfect tits, Rita Faltoyano, isn’t so shy. Supposedly virginal Nicol jumps at the chance to “try” this nymphomaniac who holds the key to ending Big Member’s repression (don’t ask), and Rita makes it worth her while. The highlight of the scene is watching Rita double-penetrate Nicol with her fingers. A better scene (this one ends lamely with mutual self-masturbation) is Rita’s next, an energy-filled romp in a hospital room that leaves both Bob Terminator and David Perry fully satisfied.

Again, the sex in this film is generally good and the girls are scrumptious; it’s Antonio Adamo’s directorial blowjob that kills the movie: he sucks it dry with his photography. Another Adamo staple—girls who constantly look deeply into the camera lens during sex—only contributes to this life-draining gush. Those willing to brave Adamo’s excesses, however, will be rewarded with the usual Private pantheon of sexual positions, including anal and double-penetration, and a concluding facial of mammoth proportions, part of which pretty, green-eyed Claudia Jamsson swallows. Is it worth it? Sure—if you like the arty stuff. Personally, thanks to movies like this one, my big membership in that particular fan club keeps lapsing.