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After the relative disappointments of my first step in reacquainting
myself with Private's magazine series Private Stories, I was keen
to find out if my mixture of fond and less favourable memories of
the 1995 originals were hopelessly unrealistic. The format is unchanged
(though the scenes were originally interspersed with trailers and
adverts): short, sharp sex scenes with quick set ups and fast paced
sex.
Hole
In One
The old golf course number provides ample scope for double entendre,
as a lady golfer's wayward shot ends up in Mike Foster's lap, and
his balls end up in her mouth. Diana, the golfer, is a skinny short-haired
brunette who Mike coaxes, in faintly non-consensual fashion, into
some sex, dishing out a good seeing to with misplaced confidence
as far as this viewer is concerned. "It's good?" he queries. No,
it's merely average. Diana has a nice bum and perky little tits
but is rather plain otherwise. Similarly, the sex has the odd moment,
like some creative use of the garden furniture, but is really nothing
more than a moderately energetic run-through of the usual positions,
ending in a facial. Diana's party piece comes at the end - she fires
the golf ball out of her pussy, though the exact moment of departure
is neatly edited. The director here is Freddie Morse.
The
Screw Crew
There's a modicum of entertainment to be found in the opening of
this Francois Clousot-directed scene, as a bored camera crew get
frisk waiting for the talent to turn up. Melissa Hill does a cheeky
turn as deliberately pretends to be unaware that she's sticking
her tits in Jon's face. The tease is but a momentary distraction
before the scene lurches full bore into extremely standard porn
fare. Melissa is topped and tailed by the lads, Jon and his assistant
Frank Gun. Melissa's curves make a lively handful between the guys
but I just can't put my finger on exactly why this sort of scene
just doesn't turn me on. Frank comes on her pussy, Jon comes on
her face. Nice spot by a glassy river somewhere in the Philippines,
though.
The
Lady and The Bar Tramp
A scene with Jonathan Morgan and Anna Malle? What a prospect! I
honestly can't believe I sit through it, either, even if watching
horror-movie style through my fingers. Anna plays a boozy barroom
floozy whose "flirtatious dancing" (read "drunken lurching around")
somehow turns Jonathan on. Personally, I'd be calling her a cab
and helping her to the door. This is truly ghastly, the grainy picture
quality adding to the air of cheapness (the director is Nic Cramer).
Both performers practise that annoying habit of stating the bleedin'
obvious and asking stupid questions during the sex, which eventually
includes anal. Dark haired, hard-bodied and hard-faced Anna is the
antithesis of the classic Private girl, the sex is totally routine,
and the camerawork and editing are annoying - dire.
Under The Hood
Perhaps Anna was hired for the purpose of making Anita Blond, star
of this little number from Francois Clousot look even younger and
fresher. In this scene, her vehicle (one of those customised Jeeps
popular in the Philippines, location of a scene presumably shot
alongside the movie Arrowhead) breaks down and the Good Samaritan
(Damien Michaels) who stops to help would rather put his hand up
her skirt. I suppose it's in character for her to not only let him
do it but to get on the bonnet and expose her pussy and lush tits
to him too, as the young Anita was something of a saucy little scrubber
rather than the elegant femme fatale figure of Andrew Blake's fantasy.
As Damien laps her twat, one gets the impression that she's looking
right past him into the camera mainly because she can see her reflection
in the lens. One playful BJ later, she's fucked over the bonnet
of the Jeep. The sex is performed with varying levels of enthusiasm,
but while there's a great shot of her with her tits hanging down,
it's just so typical that it seems she's really warming to it exactly
when the editor cuts to the facial finish.
Andrea
In The Bush
For a change of mood, beatific music ushers in a mildly romantic
affair, with Nick Lang and the curvy blonde Andrea (well-built round
the hips and thighs, sadly tattooed on her boob) enjoying a lengthy
shag amid lush greenery in a Portuguese villa garden. Is this the
kind of thing Woodman has in mind when he makes his arguments comparing
the supposed evils of porn versus the violence, misery, chaos etc
readily consumed with your TV dinner. This is simply about healthy,
good looking young people sharing pleasure in a tranquil setting,
utterly harmless. Which is exactly why I'd rather have filthy, nasty,
perverse lust any day of the week. This is all neatly shot, totally
inoffensive and therefore utterly, unfeasibly boring. While Nick
and Andrea seem quite into it, and into each other, there's a real
lack of evident lust, passion, desire - the crucial x-factor. After
a lot of straight sex and a number of inexplicably lingering close-ups
studying the way her pussy pulls his foreskin back, there's some
brief anal before Nick shoots spunk on her newly repainted lips.
It's delightfully dull. Freddie Morse is at the helm again.
Miss
Archipelago
Charming shots of wooden houses in waterside villages form the backdrop
to this Francois Clousot scene. Eva Falk effortlessly plays a flirtatious
temptress who seduces deckhand Alberto Rey into some illicit sex
on board a ship cruising these serene Swedish waterways. Never mind
the husband, Alberto's soon delving his tongue into her pussy. The
attractive brunette is treating her lover to some firm hand and
mouth action when Jon Dough, as the cuckolded spouse, chooses this
moment to pop up. Surprise surprise, he's happy to share his wife
with the hired help in the lovely fading summer sun. I was going
to criticise the sex again, but actually it's more the case that
the uninspiring camerawork gives the impression of heartless sex
- we barely see Eva's face before it's covered in come.
Lighthouse
Girl
Zenza Raggi and Hakan Serbes (inexplicably dressed as though he
came from the barrio) are out taking pictures on another Swedish
shoreline when they happen upon a naked girl on a lighthouse. Look,
no one said this was realistic! Being a gentleman, Hakan offers
the girl, Haris, his shirt, but it's swiftly removed again as they
start getting it on with a certain animal magnetism evident. It's
no classic but director Christian T supplies better pace, shooting
and editing during a scene that ends with Hakan shooting come over
Haris' very curvy body. Just then she spots sneaky Zenza has been
snapping pictures from the bushes…
Private
Invitation
This scene is added as a surprise - but there's no surprise to find
it's short, sharp and fairly forgettable. Alberto Rey gets it on
to a band playing (literally) on board a yacht moored in what looks
like Cannes. One girl is blonde, European, playing Alberto's cousin
(!), and the other is brunette, curvy and possibly English by her
accent. I confess I had no idea who they are - Kafka's RAME review
suggests Jacqueline Wild and Deborah, though where they fit into
the given credits is uncertain. The sex is lively but too hastily
sped through.
Overall
I originally hoped to find that certain sense of naïve optimism
in these scenes, reflecting a vibrant, positive pan-European cultural
vibe much in keeping with Private's pretensions to aspirational,
lifestyle porn. Of course, such hope was misplaced and naïve in
itself, but I was truly shocked to find just how mediocre this production
is. It was similar to returning to a favourite childhood holiday haunt and finding it would have been better left to the memories.
If I expected the luxury round-the-globe trip, what I got was the
backpacker's guide. I recall RAME contributor and reviewer Kafka
memorably described Private Stories as "utility grade porn" but
I always considered that verdict somewhat harsh. However, after
watching this selection, I tend to feel he had something of a point.
Never mind the preponderance of anal sex, I came away with a better
appreciation of why this sort of stuff created the impression among
American viewers that "Euro porn" is passionless or cold. How ironic
that Americans are major contributors to such a notion in this production.
For the young Anita Blond, for nostalgia, for a sense of time and
place, and for the surprising revelation of just how much influence
Americans had on these early Private videos, Private Stories 2 might
just be worthwhile for a quick peek. For something really worth
watching, I suggest you look elsewhere. I am sorry to say it, but
this is poor.
DVD
Comments
Given that Private originally seemed reluctant to do a proper reissue
of the early magazine series, instead hashing them together into
the patchy Lust Treasures compilations, the picture quality on nearly
all of these scenes is actually very good (the sole American-originated
scene being a notable exception). The sound is fine though that
means the music is loud and clear - it varies from tolerable to
dire, though it will vary depending on the language track you choose
(plenty are catered for in audio and subtitle form). There are some
pics, production notes and a few trailers in a measly selection
of extras - as the "label that made Private a legend" one might
have expected a more lavish repackaging of Private Stories. Such
treatment puts me in mind of leftovers smothered in sauce, hoping
that the diners won't notice.
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