One True Chance Review

Reviewed by Crucifixio Jones  on  2/21/2004

One True Chance
** ½
From Outback Productions
2003, 90 minutes
Written and directed by Robert Hunington
Starring Sharon Wild, Jasmin Klein, Harley Davis, Temptation, Cherokee, Lezley Zen, Chloe Dior, Steve Hatcher, Alex Sanders, Barrett Blade, Trevor Zen, Lee Stone

Synopsis:

“A satirical look at a true romance gone mad,” says the back of the cover for One True Chance, another Nicole London presentation from Outback Pictures. It is inappropriate that this movie be described as a satire. The definition of satire is “a work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn.” Satires tend to be smart and take a great deal of skill to pull off; to wittily poke fun at its source. One True Chance is, more accurately, a parody of Quentin Tarantino’s first screenplay, True Romance. According to Merriam-Webster the first definition of parody is “a work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule.” That’s the problem with kids today. It would behoove a filmmaker to have an accurate grasp of what he or she is trying to accomplish before setting out to do it. As such, One True Chance more closely fits Webster’s second definition of parody: “a feeble or ridiculous imitation.”

The Action:

One True Chance begins by jumping right into a sex scene between Alex Sanders and Jasmin Klein. No explanation is given as to who these two people are, why they are having sex and how they relate to the plot, even when the sex is over. After Sanders has his way with her and jerks himself off over Klein’s lips we simply head into the opening credits. Like another of Hunington’s features that I have reviewed, Envy, I was lost right from the word go. I found, however, that if you stick with it and are familiar with the source material (which doesn’t become readily apparent until almost the middle of the movie since the film itself makes no attempt to clue you in), you’ll catch up. But by that point, you’re already somewhat frustrated with the disjointed storytelling and are trying to make sense of even the sex scenes, which seem to have been shoehorned into the middle of this hard-to-follow narrative. When you can’t even figure out why the people in a feature are having sex, you’re in for a long day. More often than not, the exposition doesn’t take place until after the scene is over and the entire movie doesn’t make sense to you until the whole thing is over. If repeat viewing was Hunington’s mission, consider it accomplished. But luckily you’ve got me to make sense of this mess NOW and I’ll fill in the plot holes along the way.

In the next scene we meet our “Clarence” character, a guy named Ari played by Steve Hatcher. He’s trying to convince the woman who was just having sex with Alex Sanders in the first scene to come see a porno or two at the local theater with him, much like Christian Slater attempted with martial arts movies in True Romance. High-class woman of the world she is, she turns him down cold and walks away disgusted.

Cue Barrett Blade sitting in a chair watching Harley Davis strut her MILFness over in his direction. How old is this woman? I’m not saying she looks old…in fact, she looks damn good with a body that would make some twenty-year-olds consider investing in a gym membership, but something about her screams “mature.” I’m a tit-man at heart, so I don’t mind her super-sized breasts and super-slim frame. (note to distributors, directors, and producers: cast her in a scene together with Corina Curves and you’ve made me one happy man) Her stripper-tight body looks especially enticing in the sheer pink top and matching panties she wears here, with thigh-high white stockings to put this outfit over the top. Blade immediately gets her out of those bothersome clothes and lies her back to lick her “cookie.” Sorry, inside joke. In between licks, he buries his shaft to the hilt in Harley, making her wild with anticipation. Just when he gets a rhythm going with his cock, he pulls out to run his tongue over her clit again. As she begins to enjoy that, he plants the head of his dick in her slit again. It’s actually quite a hot teasing session to watch; I’m entertained. As the couple finishes up and Harley kisses at Blade’s blade, we see it was just a movie that Steve Hatcher was watching as we fade into him alone in a theater. ***

It is in this theater that Sharon Wild, our “Alabama” character (named 'Mitch' here) approaches him. She claims to be an actress and makes an observation about what’s on the screen: “These movies are so bad. Why don’t they just make fun of some real movies? At least they would seem witty.” HA. Yeah, only if it’s done right, honey. Otherwise it’s just twice as bad. Like their cinematic predecessors, Mitch and Ari go out to a diner to have some pie and wind up at Ari’s house to have sex. You know, one thing this movie does have on Tony Scott’s vision is that in the original, you knew something was “rotten in Denmark” when this complete but totally hot stranger has sex with this comic book geek loser after only knowing him for about fifteen minutes. Here, in the porn world, it is entirely plausible. Hatcher has changed up cherry pie for poontang pie as he hikes Wild’s flimsy top up over her tits and uses her denim miniskirt like reins to control her and guide her mouth and pussy exactly where he wants it to go. ** ½

After dropping a little ball batter into her mouth, Steve and his new friend have a talk. Only problem is, we can’t hear any of it. I thought for a second that Hunington was trying to get all artsy-fartsy with us with the music drowning out the dialogue and that we were supposed to get the gist of what was going on by the actors emoting. Heh, yeah right. It’s just an unfortunate technical error that corrects itself towards the end of the conversation when the dialogue suddenly kicks back in. By this time, the new couple has solved whatever problem it is they were arguing about, but the viewer is left with no clue. My guess is, Mitch has fallen in love with Ari and grapples with telling him about her life as a prostitute. I think she tells him and decides to be with Ari and only Ari and leave her pimp.

Cut to Temptation and Cherokee completely nude, kissing each other and fingering each other’s pussies. Cherokee goes down on Temptation first and there’s an absolutely marvelous shot of this bit of action from behind Cherokee. The shot showcases Cherokee’s undulating ass as she runs her fingers between her legs and we get to see Temptation’s legs spread wide, her facial reactions telling the tale of how adept Cherokee is at munching carpet. Temptation returns the favor by really going to town on Cherokee with her fingers and tongue, getting Cherokee to let loose in that unique voice of hers, so high-pitched I think it shattered a few of my wine flutes. Think Jennifer Tilly doing the helium balloon gag while walking through a haunted house. If my description of the action seems short, it’s because it really was abnormally short. **

Hatcher walks by the girls and they ask if he wants to join in but he says, “No, not right now. I’m just looking for a pretzel.” Huh? Obviously I missed something. But it all comes together when Hatcher walks into a room to talk to a man who is sitting at a card table eating a bowl of pretzels. It’s director Robert Hunington himself, playing the Gary Oldman “Drexel” role, calling himself “Pretzel.” Clever. If you’ve ever seen True Romance, you would find this scene embarrassing as the two riff on the scene almost exactly, but very very badly. In short, Pretzel wants his hooker back and Ari is here to lay claim to her and retrieve her belongings. The two fight, Pretzel ends up shot and dead and Ari makes off with a suitcase that he believes to be Mitch’s.

Again we join some sex in progress as Lezley Zen is in the middle of giving a high-speed, low drag hummer to hubby, Trevor. The more I see of Zen the more I like her. I never figured her for the nasty type but here she’s letting Trevor ram his cock into her mouth till it hits either the back of her throat or it pokes her brain, I can’t make out which. Lezley brings her knees up to her armpits so that Trevor can have easier access to that juicy gash of hers. Her expressions, in particular her lips, remind me so much of Gina Gershon I’d suggest that if Hunington wants to parody another movie, he should consider “Bound” and cast Lezley and Cherokee as his leading ladies. The female Zen has the dirty talk flying and the look she throws Trevor when she requests to be fucked is enough to make a lesser man weak in the knees. It must have worked because in the Behind the Scenes featurette you can clearly see that it was Steve Hatcher, not Trevor, who finished up this scene with Lezley, though I’m not sure what kind of complications the male Zen had. Lezley is in another world once she has a stiff one in her and it seems she forgets about everything and everyone else, concentrating solely on her own pleasure, which admittedly is very fun to watch. In reverse cowgirl, Trevor’s just grimacing, along for the ride and holding out as best he can. Lez threatens to “pull the cum outta that cock” as she slows to a methodical and deliberate pace, grinding his tool into chalk dust. She pulls it out and strokes his joy juice onto her stomach and licks strands of it from her fingertips. ***

Ari and Mitch turn up to talk to the Zen’s after they’re done and it turns out Trevor has some ties to law enforcement. See, Ari wants to find out if the police are looking for the guy who smoked Pretzel. In a bit of an inside joke (I assume), Hatch asks Trevor how he’s doing and he replies, “Well, I was better but I’ll get over it,” giving Lezley a sheepish look. Trevor says not to worry about it but that he should be on the lookout for the guys that Pretzel worked for because it’s drug-related. Again, …Huh? When did drugs come into the picture? The audience was never shown any drugs and the only way you would know that drugs were in the suitcase that Ari grabbed from Pretzel is by knowing the original movie. Just sloppy. Ari and Mitch (who got married at some point) leave with that information but soon after, some black thug arrives at the Zen’s pad and shoots Trevor dead. Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper are rolling over in their graves…AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN DEAD YET~!

Chloe Dior has her head in Lee Stone’s lap practically inhaling his massive schlong. She perches herself over Stone’s face momentarily until he stands and the two engage in a voracious vertical sixty-nine. The perfect position, reverse cowgirl, is next for Chloe and she rides Lee hard and fast while rubbing her pierced clit. The two seem to be silently challenging one another to up the physical ante, attempting to “break” the other first and I, for one, am enjoying the sexual one upsmanship. So far, Lee is ahead, using his exceptional length and girth to draw all manner of response from Dior. Lee’s pounding her to the point where her eyes are glazing over and her mouth is hanging agape but no sound will escape. She giggles, however, when Stone dribbles some spunk over her bottom lip and chin. Dior’s genuinely out of breath and her hair is a mess, like someone who just got done having some really amazing sex and really enjoyed having it. ***

Ari and Mitch once again crash the party. Lee and Chloe have connections to a Hollywood director who wants to buy Ari's drugs. The director in question is a guy by the name of Kangaroo Jack. In a funny bit, when talking about the drugs, Hatcher refers to them as “an uncut screener copy of ‘Envy.’” Cute. For those of you who have seen True Romance, you can understand why Slater and the director used the euphemism “Dr. Zhivago” for their cocaine, they were on the phone. Why Hatcher and this guy are playing games face-to-face, I can’t figure out…maybe I’m thinking too hard. Before the deal can go down the black thug that shot Trevor bursts in and…does nothing. He points his gun at everyone, Kangaroo Jack drops the coke on the floor and starts crying, Ari and Mitch look at each other lovingly and then we fade out. I’m SO confused right now my head hurts.

The last scene involves a car pulling up to an apartment building. Mitch gets out and heads inside. Once inside she begins to strip for a man who is revealed as Alex Sanders. He asks who long she’s been a prostitute and she replies that he’s exactly her third client with a sly smile. The end. Roll credits. And I’m lost. Again.

Comments:

Hunington has good intentions, but like with Envy, the execution is a tad off. I know one would argue, “Who watches porn for the plot?” But if you’re not going to put in the effort it takes to make a coherent feature, I ask you “Why bother with a plot in the first place?” If you’re going to do something, at least aspire to do it well. More attention to detail would yield a tighter plot that is also easier for the audience to follow. Two seconds of extra footage here and a minute or two of exposition there and One True Chance would have been an entirely different movie. It should not require a person to have seen the source material to simply follow your finished product. A lot of things were taken for granted and/or assumed and it should not be that way, especially considering that this movie does not sell itself as an obvious homage to True Romance. And somewhere along the way someone should remind Hunington that parody is supposed to be funny. There weren’t enough attempts made at comedy here at all; it came off as a regular feature. That said, One True Chance isn’t all bad. Three of the five sex scenes are winners, the two weak ones being, ironically, the one between the two supposedly star-crossed lovers and the all-too-brief lesbian encounter.

This DVD comes with Outback’s usual photo slide gallery, trailers for their other releases and a Behind the Scenes featurette, which I always enjoy. Their Behind the Scenes features tend to always be well done, talking with each of the actors and actresses briefly, showing you multiple angles of the filming of their scenes, some bloopers and other interesting tidbits. If you ever wanted to find out exactly how someone’s pussy is pierced or how it looks REALLY close up, Hunington has you covered in the extras.

The good thing is, I see continual improvement in each Outback release. Polish your screenwriting skills, Hunington and your features will shape up nicely.

Crucifixio Jones