Nina Hartley's Guide To Alternative Sex Review

Reviewed by dumblonde  on  4/28/2002

Running length: 1 hr. 55 min.
D.O.P. 11/20/95

Female cast: Nina Hartley, Anna Malle, Christy Lake, Sahara Sands, Shannon Rush

Male cast: Hank Armstrong, John Decker, Luc Wylder, Dic Tracy, Magnum, Dallas, Duane

Audio/Video: The video was fine, but the audio could use improvement. Normally, the inability to understand clearly what is being said isn't a problem, but since this is an 'instructional' title (wink, nudge) I should point this out. At times this also can be attributed to porn actor's poor enunciation skills. There was some fairly loud piano porn music during the 'instructional' 3-way that was unneeded.
Extras: 1 bio of Nina.

The Movie:
From the ambiguous title, you might think this has to do with gay sex. Nina quickly makes it clear however, that it deals with the 'swinging' lifestyle - something even more foreign to me. But then, I'm a straight, single female who doesn't appear in porn movies or who's not yet trapped in a loveless marriage, living a life of romance novels, Fabio fantasies and quiet desperation. "Not that there's anything WRONG with that."

Nina starts out with suggestions on how to bring up this possibility with your partner, and how NOT to. Anna Malle and Hank do some role playing as a married-but-curious couple. Is there REALLY any right or wrong way to bring up that delicate matter of fucking other people, I wonder? Well, according to Nina, it's all in the sugarcoating. This is a critical point, and one misstep here can make the difference between a future of sexual fulfillment and wild orgies or ugly, costly and protracted legal battles with your spouse.

She claims swinging can strengthen a good relationship, but weaken a bad one. I'm pretty open-minded, I think, but I just don't understand how your spouse porking someone else can bring you 'closer together' as they claim. How does that work, exactly?

Well, I never did find out for sure. There's talk of 'opening the lines of communication', 'incorporating' others into your lovemaking, discovering the joys of a 'multi-partner lifestyle', and other nonsense I mean advice, but this kind of new-agey talk drives me up the fuckin' wall.

I admire people who can get past this point, I really do. I guess I'm just too jealous or insecure, and I would have no problem with it if I wasn't in love with my partner - but why would I be with someone I wasn't in love with? Some people get comfortable or lazy in situations, there might be children involved, and many times it's financial reasons that people stay together. But don't kid yourself - most often it's just because they don't have something better lined up... yet. Therein lies the danger.

I hear others say that, while they're not full-blown swingers, they have this or that kind of arrangement that usually revolves around some sort of agreed upon 'Rules of Conduct' that stresses honesty, above all else. That, as long as you TELL your loved one about bumpin' uglies with the office temp, you cannot be held liable. Other couples make it a rule that the spouse always be included, even if only to watch. How thoughtful. Some require advanced permission - your request will be taken into consideration, discussed ad nauseum, and ultimately granted or denied.
There's no end to the inventive things people can dream up in their effort to have it all - or, at least a little extra poon now & then. And it's not that I'm unsympathetic, don't get me wrong. If people enjoy it, and it's working for them, great, I just don't think you can have it both ways. Not in the long run. Didn't Nina get divorced recently?

So, I don't know - call me a prude, but what ever happened to good old fashioned lying and cheating? I'm not endorsing that, but let's get real. What are the options for someone married to someone like me? Someone who dismisses out of hand their pleas for multi-pussy, rubber-stamping their every request 'DENIED'? What is such a person to do?
Here is where the porn industry could be MOST helpful to many more people. Even though the number of Swingers outside of Porno World is not insignificant, it generally is not happening. It's just not an option, even if it were appealing. It's not even an option to suggest it. The vast majority of married folks are just trying to balance a safe, secure homelife with a hot pulse-pounding sexlife, and hoping the two never run into each other.
What about an instructional video for these guys, Nina? How many marriages fall apart due to the inability of the cheating partner to come up with believable excuses for arriving home at 5:00 a.m? Or makes the rookie mistake of putting the motel bill on their charge card? Not to mention the embarrassment of getting busted when your ill-chosen slutbag girlfriend goes and shoots your wife in the head.

These fornicating faux pauxs are responsible for the sky-high divorce actions in this country, yet they keep happening at an alarming rate. While swinging may be a solution for some people, most don't want to take it to that extreme by having orgy-type sex with a bunch of strangers. Think about it, please.

Anyway, back to our lesson in 'open relationships' from porn queens Nina Hartley and Anna Malle:

Hank and Anna kick the idea around before deciding to bring in another girl for a three-way. Where they get this girl, and how they get her to agree to this is beyond me. I'm sure it's easy enough in Porno World, but most of us aren't porn stars, and neither are our friends.
And this might come as a shock, but most females who aren't incarcerated have little interest in eating pussy, despite what we see in porn movies. I mean, it's not like you can just call up 3-Ways R Us, and even I know that bad stuff will happen if you use a friend in such a manner. But this is glossed over, as a non-problem. Again, I must have a problem, because the thought of a roll in the hay with a bored married couple has zero appeal to me. And frankly, Hank's crank was... less than enticing.
Of course a good time was had by all, nothing bad happened, and it was indeed a positive experience. yeah ok.

Word must get around fast, because they next get an invitation from the local Swinger's Club to attend a house party. Not ever having been to one of these gatherings, I envision a bunch of middle-aged polyester pantsuit-wearing dirtbags, though admittedly I have nothing to base this on.
Upon arrival, they're greeted by Nina and introduced to the other guests. Still fully clothed at this point, thankfully not in polyester, we see about 5 couples sitting around, chatting and drinking liquor. What a surprise, a few of them appear to be porn stars. Luc Wylder and his then squeeze Arianna are there, among others - none of whom I find very attractive.
It's not too long before clothing starts coming off, and these guys are pros - they're not even watching porn for an ice-breaker. The partygames include 'Scramble to Find a Stranger's Unoccupied Genital and Manipulate it.' and 'Musical Faces'.
After this scene, designed to whett your appetite for further exploration of the 'Swinging' lifestyle, the focus shifts abruptly to your rectum.

Woah! Suddenly, Nina is using instructional media and pointing to a blown-up graphic of your gastro-intestinal tract. Now, in case you were still on the fence about this Swinging issue, this just might swing your vote. I don't know if Swinging is closely related to buttsex, but choosing to combine Nina's Guide to Swinging and Nina's Guide to Anal Sex kinda makes me think..well, I'll let you do the math. For those who are interested in these two subjects, I suppose it's a good bang for your buck, but I'm not sure you'll learn much practical information, besides the importance of a high fiber diet. Oh, and I learned that our rectum points toward our belly-button for about 5 inches, then hooks back toward our butt. Or do I have that ass-backwards?

At any rate, please consider my suggestion. Given the 'alternatives', it really doesn't seem all that outlandish now, does it?

SCREENSHOTS of Nina Hartley's Guide To Alternative Sex

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