Teanna Kai's The Masseuse Review

Reviewed by vodka tonic  on  9/2/2004

Director : Rick Davis
Cast : Teanna Kai, Pason, Rhiannon Bray, Layla Rivera, Rose, Loni, Sharon Wild, John West, Dick Delaware, Sergio Suarez, Dick Tracy

DVD Extras : Chapter selection, photo gallery, sex ads, weblink

Short Story : 6 unrelated sex vignettes happening in a downtown massge parlour.

SCENE BREAKDOWN :

1) RHIANNON BRAY & DICK TRACY

Dick Tracy looks a lot like Marty Romano, which is not necessarily a good omen. Rhiannon Bray was the goth chick in "7 Lives Exposed" season 2. Strong nose, dark hair and an assertive presence can remind of an earlier Sharon Mitchell. Rhiannon can act, but this vignette-type movie does not require that particular talent, though she's a natural in the short skit that precedes the sex. After a short rubdown, Rhiannon climbs on the massage table in her pink skin-tight dress and goes face down on Dick's....dick (?). She squats over his face for a 69, and it's battle of the bling as Dick's pierced tongue meets Rhian's ring-adorned clit. Small & compact Dick then climbs down from the table for a brief missionary before he climbs back again to explore her anus doggy-style. Is it lube or saliva that clings to his pecker as he thrusts inside her, enquiring minds want to know ? They switch to scissor anal, and we can finally see Rhian's boobs (good, reasonable implants). She swallows.

2) PASON & JOHN WEST

Pason is the cutest bud. A redhead in tight jeans mini-skirt and red slip, she's a teen dream to behold. She massages a naked John West on a bed for, like, 10 seconds, before stripping to a superb set of pale pink embroidered bra & panties. Unfortunately, that also barely lasts more than 10 seconds before gym queen West gets rid of it for the prerequisite foreplay. This, my friends, is a 1st-degree criminal offence to all lingerie lovers. Anyway, she slurps a bit on his dick before climbing on him for the cowgirl. Pussy yolk sticks to West's cock, which is very sexy (the pussy yolk, not West's dick). She turns around for reverse cowgirl, then they go at it in more energetic doggy-style. One P2M2P (I know you all love these acronyms) and a brief missionary later, he comes on her face. Nice.

3) SHARON WILD & DICK DELAWARE

Sharon is a thin short-haired blonde with delicate facial features trying to act outraged at the sight of Dick Delaware protruding boner. To put her at ease, he grabs her face and puts it on his dick, which is as good a method as any. Delaware is another tattooed wonder with massive muscles, with a pretty face to boot. Sharon makes a good job of swallowing without hands, then squats on Dick for some good reverse cowgirl. Lots of gonzo-style wide-angle close-ups during this scene. Dick takes her doggy-style on the black leather sofa but seems to lose his erection as the scene progresses. Sharon's ass is nevertheless beyond irreproachable. Like a good pro, she gives the deflating penis some oral attention so it regains composure, and Dick comes back for more doggy pounding. But his tool soon loses focus again, and he comes at half-mast after a brief mish. Too bad.

4) LONI & SERGIO SUAREZ

Loni is a petite Filipino in red mini-dress who couldn't act her way out a handbag. She's paired with Sergio, another petit hardbody who, incidentally, couldn't act his way of out a gymbag either. But they make a great couple, and this not a Shakespeare adaptation. Loni is all natural, with tender belly and boobs that fall on the sides when she lays on her back, as she grinds her pussy on Sergio's face. Boobs that fall on the sides has become a strange notion. She gyrates her hips to Sergio's oral attention, and offers herself for missionary without so much as a blow-job. Which is perfectly fine. You get the impression both performers went with their respective flow instead of going through the motions, and though nothing over-the-top happens, that's a refreshing change. She bites at his tits before climbing on top, keeping her red dress on. They go at it in a steady, passionate pace, then switch for the doggy, keeping the pace. She grabs his head, encouraging him to pound harder, which he does. The doggy is long and hot, then is followed by a brief reverse cowgirl and more doggy before he comes on her face. This show's definite winner.

5) TEANNA KAI & ROSE

Unbelievably gorgeous Teanna (people must always mistake her for Kobe Tai), in black satin hotpants and a blue see-through top leads just as gorgeous Rose into the massage parlour for spinal relaxation. This must be the only massage table where your head is suspended in mid-air and where there's no place to rest your legs. Actually, I think it's a bed. Baby Doll Productions must have run out of budget after buying all these white towels. Rose has a sophisticated Mediterranean look, with short dark red hair, plucked eyebrows and a perfect, full figure. She tenderly licks at Teanna's twat,breathtaken by the Oriental beauty, but Teanna seems bent on spicing things up a bit, first with some vigorous finger-fucking, then unearthing a tangerine dildo from beneath a pile of towels to slam into Rose's snatch. Teanna is quite the nasty talker, and tries to come out as an aggressive lover, but it simply doesn't work. This long scene would have benefited from more natural tenderness between the two beauties, and the aggressive sex looks fake & staged with the gonzo crowd in mind. Teanna gets some dildo action too before it ends.

6) TEANNA KAI & LAYLA RIVERA

More lesbian shenanigans, this time with thin & pale brunette Layla, who looks like a cross between Taylor Rain & Estelle Desanges. Both Teanna & Layla have sexy long legs that the camera never fails to linger on. Teanna keeps her zipped-up high-heeled leather boots on as Layla takes care of her snatch. They 69 for a bit before Layla gets on top and both ladies spread their legs as wide as possible to simulate a penetrationless missionary. Teanna then puts on a Danni's hard drive strap-on dildo, which Layla briefly sucks before bending to take it doggy-style, cowgirl & reverse cowgirl. The girls kiss goodnight.


THE LOWDOWN : Shamelessly trying to capitalize on Paul Thomas' popular franchise for Vivid, "Teanna Kai is the Masseuse" is a porn movie that cannot settle on a subgenre (gonzo ? wall-to-wall ? glamour ?). In the hands of a crafted filmmaker, that would be a courageous move. Unfortunately, this overlit, uninspired series of vignettes is as cheap as it is bland, and its attempts at story-telling fail just as miserably as its forced "rougher edge" moments. Rent only if you're horny.