Little Lace Panties 5 Review

Reviewed by Nat Hocken  on  2/4/2003

I guess if I ever get hooked up to one of those machines that registers where your eyes are focused on the TV screen, I won’t embarrass myself. You see, I don’t much care for tattoos. Oh, sure, some are better than others. The ringed tattoo on Charmane Star’s arm is all right, for instance. It’s relatively tasteful and doesn’t particularly distract the eye. The dolphins jumping around Chandler’s navel I find much less acceptable in terms of size and position. The bigger the tattoo is and/or the closer it gets to a girl’s breasts or vagina, the less I like it. Nor do I care for back tattoos and ass tattoos. If I never saw another tattoo I think I could live with that.

Anyway, one of the stars of “Little Lace Panties 5” is a guy named Julian. Julian’s got a lot of tattoos, and they’re big ones, too. He’s got a chick in a short skirt on his abdomen, a large colorful something or other on his arm and shoulders and who knows what all else. But here’s the thing: if he were a chick I’d avoid his movies, especially this one, in which he stars in no fewer than three scenes. Yet his body art didn’t bother me much. And I’m thinking that’s because I wasn’t really looking at him, I was looking at Cherokee and Monica and Taylor. I was looking at the girls and the action and even all of Julian’s tattoos couldn’t distract me. So bring on the eye machine, I can take it.

As for “Little Lace Panties 5,” I can take that, too. The middle three scenes feature good sex effectively captured. There’s no anal (which didn’t affect me), but the blowjobs are good and two of the three girls accept facials; one (Monica) swallows and the other (Taylor) takes Julian’s tool back in her mouth afterward, which always helps close out a scene. In between, though the sex is more or less by the book, good camera angles keep it exciting.

The two bookending scenes fall short of the mark, however. The first is so flatly lit it looks bad on the screen and the last is a venomous neglected wife scenario that sends out bad vibes from the start. Lee Stone’s oft-repeated refrain of “Fuck! Damn it!” doesn’t exactly elevate the level of eroticism in the last scene, either.

The girls aren’t stunners, but they’re certainly attractive; Cameron, who got the center position on the boxcover, is the prettiest of the five. She wears in the film what she’s wearing on the boxcover, and that’s a stretch putting her in a movie called “Little Lace PANTIES.” It’s also a cue for the fetish crowd: if panties are your thing, don’t be fooled by the title of this film. It may be true that the girls start out wearing panties, and maybe some of them are even lace panties, but honestly I couldn’t tell you this with a degree of certainty. That’s how little is made of them. The title is just that and nothing more; it might as well be another euphemism for porn chicks, albeit a more attractive one than the usual “sluts” and “whores.”