KGA: Kidnapped Girls Agency Review

Distributor: Lyndon Distributors / London Enterprises Video Edition Details: Manufacture on Demand DVD Movie Specs: Genres: Classic, Feature Film, Bondage Also known as: Kidnapped Girls Agency Run Time: 57 minutes Rated: XXX Release Year: 1985 Director: Geoffrey Merrick Written by: Geoffrey Merrick Cast: Ric Meyers, Michelle Bauer (as Kim Bittner), Linnea Quigley (as Christine Sharpe), Tuesday Bleu, David Williams, Crystal Breeze (as Barbara Blade), Joseph Romero, Simone Devon Release Specs: Audio: English Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono Subtitles: none Video: Full Frame, 1.33:1 Video Format: NTSC Format: DVD-MOD Regional Code (for DVD/Blu-ray): 0 (All) Number of discs: 1

KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is one of the worst adult films that I have ever seen, and that is saying a lot. Had the fine folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000 ever tackled adult films, KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency would have likely been at the top of their list. As for exactly where the film goes wrong, the list itself is almost too numerous to list.

Andy Baltimore (Ric Meyers) and Tracey Tailor (Michelle Bauer) head up the Kidnapped Girls' Agency, a detective agency that specializes in finding kidnapped women within the first 24 hours of disappearance. Cathy Messenger (Linnea Quigley) gets kidnapped by her father's ex-wife Vera (Crystal Breeze) and her associate Brett (David Williams) along with her roommate Tina (Tuesday Bleu) to be sold at auction. Cathy's father hires the Kidnapped Girls' Agency to locate his missing daughter.

Sadly, this write-up makes KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency sound far better than it really is. The plot in the film is one of convenience. In other words, the plot exists just to manage to somehow make the film move forward, through giant leaps of logic, reason, and common sense until it reaches the end of this debacle. The dialog, or what passes for dialog in the film, sounds like it was mostly improvised on the spot; or at least one hopes that it was improvised on the spot. The writer, and director, Geoffrey Merrick has gone on to be a “fetish thriller” author, so, I would assume that despite holding the writing credit, he didn't do much writing for the film.

The cast consists of some talented performers, two of which, Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer, have made a multitude of mainstream films as well as adult titles. However, none of them were given anything to work with here. Quigley spends almost the entire film with a gag in her mouth, Bauer overacts the hell out of her part, and Ric Meyers, if this film is any indication of his acting ability, couldn't act himself out of a wet paper bag.

The bondage scenes, what can be said about the bondage scenes. I can easily state that the tagline, “Never before has bondage been so boring,” would not have been a lie had it graced the cover of the box. The bondage scenes are long and drawn out, with long camera shots, making it hard to see what is happening, with David Williams and Crystal Breeze inanely chattering back and forth to each other. All the scenes are like this, long, drawn out, with very little action. When the character of Tina is abducted, we actually have to watch Vera and Brett dress her, item-by-item, for a period of about five minutes. The only reason for all of this that I can imagine is that the editor had so little footage available that every inch had to be used. Some of the editing choices make no sense, during Cathy's abduction, for a while, the audio is of Cathy being tortured but the image is of Tina stripping.

The music used in the film is completely inappropriate and doesn't ever sound contextually correct for what is occurring on the screen at the given moment. The score is composed of a violin with a piano accompaniment, that spends the entire film trying to lull the viewer to sleep.

Technically the film is an abysmal mess. Geoffrey Merrick can be heard giving the cast directions like, “Action!&rqduo; in the film. During Cathy's abduction, there is a hand across part of the camera lens. There are obvious flubs with what was being said that were kept in. It is painfully obvious that this was a one take and no matter how bad the take came out that is it film. The film also contains some of the most ridiculously bad action sequences to ever grace the screen, and when I say ridiculously bad I mean even for adult film standards.

To sum this all up, KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is such a bad film that it is actually tedious to sit through. KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is anything but erotic. Fans of feature films won't find anything here; fans of bondage won't find anything here. I can't think of anyone who might actually like this film. Somehow, despite all of this a sequel to this mess, Women in Trouble, actually managed to get made.

Lyndon Distributors and London Enterprises Video have done a poor job with their release of KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency. They have released KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency on a DVD-MOD that was only available through their website. KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency was shot on film and London Enterprises Video clearly used a video, not film, master for this release. KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is presented in the academy aspect ratio of 1.33:1 in 480i. The image contains artifacts, grain, print damage, and glitches in the video. Colors appear slightly muted. About halfway through the film, there is a major problem with the video where it becomes very white and light in nature, looking like there is a fog between the camera and everything else. This also happens a couple of times but with a light blue instead of white as well. If there are fans of this film out there, they will likely be very disappointed with the video.

KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is presented with an English Dolby Digital 2.0 monaural audio track. The track contains a low hiss throughout the entire film and there are some pops in the audio from time to time. The volume level is low, however, the dialog is clear and can be heard at all times throughout the film. There are some places where yelling is going on where the audio sounds over driven.

London Enterprises Video hasn't included any extras on this release.

KGA: Kidnapped Girls' Agency is quite frankly, one of the worst adult films I have ever seen. The film seems actually torturous to sit through. The plot is horrible, the acting is bad, the production values are horrific, and the bondage scenes are the slowest and most boring bondage scenes I have ever seen in my life. I can not, and I can't stress this enough, I can not recommend this film for anyone. London Enterprises has done a poor job with their DVD-MOD release of the film with poor video and some audio issues.

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