Janine & Vince Neil: Hardcore & Uncensored Review

Reviewed by dumblonde  on  7/28/2002

Writer/Director: Janine & Vince Neil
Videographer: Janine & Vince Neil
Running length: 1 hour
DOP: sometime before 1995

Female cast: Janine, Janine's mosaic-faced friend

Male cast: Vince Neil

Audio/Video: About the same as the tape you made that Christmas you got your first camcorder.

Extras:
Photo gallery (many which are unrelated pub shots of Janine)
15 minutes of interviews, clips of Blondage among others.
Janine's bio
Animated scene selection

Condoms: none

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The Movie:

When I first heard that a tape was released of Vince Neil and Janine in her never-before-seen jam session on a johnson, I had a few different reactions. My first one was "Big fucking deal". My second one was "She must have gotten rid of her suitcase pimp husband". My third one was "This is an even dumber idea than the full arm tattoo, if that's possible".

So, why did I get it? I don't know, it was cheap, and I guess I'm even dumber than she is. My ex-boyfriend and I made a better sex tape with two blowup dolls, and he was a lot better fuck than Vince Neil. For that matter, so was the blowup doll.

Okay, he wasn't THAT bad. He didn't have any wood problems, he's just one of those guys who's totally quiet during sex, even when they're drilling you like their life depended on it. I'm not even sure if he came. He didn't pull out and go running up to masturbate in her face like in pornos, so it's hard to say. Janine quite obviously did, with the help of her girlfriend and a couple of vibrators. Okay, so maybe he WAS that bad, come to think of it. He probably would do well in porn.

I've always thought Janine was really attractive, aggressive, and at least went all out in her scenes. She's taken a lot of criticizm for only doing girl/girl, and there's even been charges that she hated men, but I never saw her that way at all. In the interview she talks about this misconception. She's a heterosexual all the way she says, and doesn't even concede to being bi-sexual. Although she enjoys having sex with females, she's never had a real relationship with one. The only thing surprising in this is hearing someone admit it for a change.

This looks very much like what it is, vacation footage that they took in Hawaii. It begins from inside a helicopter looking down on some breathtaking scenery and waterfalls, then a few shots of them on the beach, complete with the wild and jerky camera work one can expect from amateurs. I wouldn't pay more than $10. for it, and even then you'd have to be a die hard fan of either her or Vince. Janine doing her first man on film should have been a big deal, and handled a lot better than this, but I assume this was her idea. And I think we've seen that her ideas aren't always the smartest moves.

The fact that it was totally amateurish didn't really bother me, in fact, that was what made it more enjoyable than the slick, phoney, 'porn-like' sex I see so much of. It WAS kind of a turn on seeing Janine just on her back in the old missionary position getting a good pounding. Some of it gets a little out of focus since they just set the camera by the bed, but that's alright. In fact, it starts looking a lot like those videos we all have stashed. You know, the ones of you that they're gonna find in your closet if say, something unforseen should happen to you. The ones that are on the list that you've given a trusted friend, along with a key to your house, the current alarm code, and a hand drawn map with big red X's pointing out your other porn collection, sextoys, your computer, enough cash to cover the U-Haul truck rental, and....

sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Janine and Vince Neil screwing. Suddenly it doesn't seem like such a big whoop. I should learn to trust my first reactions more.

Male Cumshots: 0
Female Orgasms: 1

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