Best By Private 49: I Want To Fuck You In The Kitchen Review

Studio: Private

Themes: Compilation, Anal Sex, Group Sex, European Kitchen design

This is a compilation DVD from various Private films, all featuring scenes that take place in that sexiest room of all, the kitchen. Some are in private homes, some are in commercial establishments, all feature pretty women, mostly from Hungary. So, as they would say in Europe, I Vant To Fuck You Een Da Keetchen!

Scene 1 - Michelle Wild, Kristina Bella, Leslie Taylor, Chris Charming

Pony-tailed Leslie is working on the plumbing in Kristina's kitchen. Before he can finish the job, Kristina undoes his pants and straddles him for some RCG. Yes, it happens this quick. But, before long, the front door opens – it's Chris the husband, who brings in his secret girlfriend Michelle. Well, soon everyone spots everyone else, but no one is angry or upset, they all just get down to the business at hand, screwing each other in various combinations and positions.
        There's some generous use of countertops, a tool box, and the tile floor. For most of the scene, it looks like everyone is playing Naked Twister on the floor, during which a DP of Kristina takes place, though I couldn't tell which man was on top, which on the bottom. It's hard to tell exactly what is going on oftentimes, because of too many close-ups, and choppy editing, interspersed with the women mugging for the camera. At the end, the two men cum on the women's faces. But, the kitchen looks nice, with its antique white cabinets, and the oak-stained countertops.

Scene 2 - Adriana, Sylvia Anderson, Leslie Taylor

This scene is dubbed into English, which doesn't exactly make it anymore enjoyable. It's mostly Leslie doing either one woman, or the other, on a kitchen table, or a countertop. If he's with one woman, the other just looks on, touching herself. Again, lots of close-ups that make it hard to tell who is with whom. The last position is CG on Leslie with one of the women, while the other woman inserts a vibrator into the first one's ass. Finally, Leslie comes on the women's faces, no big surprise there.
        One other thing, this was the ugliest kitchen in the movie. The cabinets, a beautiful cherry-stained wood, looked horrendous with the yellowish granite countertop. The kitchen designer should be shot!

Scene 3 - Vanessa Desiree, Steve Holmes, Chef Daniel

Steve and his gal Vanessa, a tall brunette, have come to Chef Daniel's cozy little French bistro in Budapest for a night out. But, their meal isn't ready when they arrive. What to do? They could have gone for a stroll, but since this is a porn film, they instead stay in the restaurant kitchen (a real one) and Steve proceeds to screw Vanessa, while Chef Daniel continues cooking, literally just 3 feet away from them.
        After Steve undresses Vanessa, he goes, "Sweetie, you want a little sausage?" He gives his to her, while she lies on a worn countertop, as the chef chops some parsley. While the onions cook on the stove, Steve asks the chef for some cream. "I only have butter," the chef says, but that will do; Steve uses it for some anal lube, and it does the job quite well. With Chef Daniel singing in the background while peeling boiled potatoes, Steve continues his heated analing of Vanessa, who looks to be enjoying it a lot. Before long, he picks up a bottle of vegetable oil, which he pours all over her for some additional lube. Chef Daniel has finished with the potatoes, and starts on the tomatoes; he and Steve are now crooning in French together.
        Steve must have gotten hungry, 'cause he picks up and eats a potato (yes, he's still inside Vanessa); she helps out by putting some butter in his mouth. It's now time for Chef Daniel to add the eggs to his dish (I wondered if Steve would crack some eggs on Vanessa, but he didn't). The couple switches to doggy anal, Steve smears more oil on her and on himself; the chef sharpens his knives standing not more than 2 feet away from our amorous couple. After a bit, Vanessa kneels on the floor and Steve jerks off on her. Just at that moment, Chef Daniel opens the oven, and voila, their meal is finally done. Bon Appetit!
        This is one of the most hilarious scenes I've ever watched in a porn film. Of course, it was directed by a Frenchman, Jean-Yves LeCastel, with the participation of a real French/Czech chef, the unflappable Chef Daniel. This genial man didn't lose his concentration once during filming; he was happily a-chopping and a-frying and a-stirring away the whole time. Hey, professional chefs are used to a lot of noise and distractions in the kitchen.
        I want to thank Mr. Steve Holmes for providing me with background info on this scene, from the 2001 movie Anal PsychoAnalysis. And what ever became of Chef Daniel? He is now Porn Talent Agent Daniel, working in Prague. Who can blame him?

Scene 4 - Angela, Megalie, Alain Deloin

This one, dubbed over in French, is supposed to be happening in a Ukrainian castle, where the two pretty kitchen girls are peeling potatoes. In walks Alain, and in 1 sec, everyone's clothes are off, and the two girls are giving him a blowjob. He then proceeds to fuck one of them, while the other generally looks on, touching herself (Surprise!). In the background, some nice Baroque string quartet music was playing, and the funny thing was, Alain was matching his strokes to the slow beat of the music. In fact, he never once varied his strokes from the same slow pace, and boy, was it ever boring to watch. He does do some anal on one of the girls, in doggy, and that, I guess, was supposed to be the highlight of the scene. I was glad when he finally came on their faces, and they did some cum-swapping. My only burning question, was the music Italian Baroque, or French Baroque? I couldn't tell for sure, but it’s a measure of how interested I was in the sex action.

Scene 5 - > Michelle Wild, Sandra Shine, Patricia Pallona

Michelle and Patricia are playing with some whipped cream in a bakery kitchen, when in walks their angry boss, Sandra. To calm her down, the first two kiss and fondle Sandra, slowly removing her clothes. SLOW is the tempo of this requisite lesbian scene, which includes the usual pussy licking, sex toy use, mugging for the camera, and fake moaning. The most appetizing part of this segment was the luscious fruit tart that sat on the counter right next to the girls – it looked delicious.
        10 minutes into this boring ordeal, I wondered how it would end, since there was no man around to provide the concluding cum shot. Fortuitously, Sandra picks up the whipped cream, and squirts some on herself and the other two. They even have a funny looking "cum swap". Quelle symbolisme!

Scene 6 - Czoky Ice, Patricia Pallona, Liza

Patricia is a pizza delivery girl, who roller blades her way to a pizza kitchen (the same one used in Scene 5). Czoky is the pizza cook, and Patricia heads right to him as she enters the kitchen. 2 seconds later, everyone's clothes are off, except Czoky keeps his chef's toque on the whole time, and Patricia wears her elbow/knee pads and roller blades as well. Liza, the kitchen help, now gets to show us her large tummy tattoo, which makes her look ever so American.
        On the center countertop, there is the usual man-does-one-woman with the other looking on, touching herself. There is the expected mish in different ways, and some doggy anal on Liza. It concludes with a lot of moaning, then Czoky cumming on the women's faces. One more thing, the pizza in this segment did not look as appetizing as the fruit tart in Scene 5.

Scene 7 - Melanie, Steve Holmes

Melanie, a zaftig, pretty Hungarian in a black fishnet bodysuit, angrily paces in her beautiful white kitchen, waiting for husband Steve to come home from a business trip. He's late, and even though he brings her roses, she's still fuming. "Honey, I got the promotion," he tells her (this was turning into an Ozzie and Harriet TV moment). "Don't be mad at me, I'll give you what you want." Some nice kissing and fondling follows, with Steve standing behind Melanie. She finally starts to calm down.
        He first licks and rims her, then she kneels and gives him a blow job, rather slow but passionate. Once he places her up on the countertop, he does her in standing mish, working his pace up slowly, then getting faster while he leans over to kiss her. Steve then turns her around for some standing doggy, then doggy anal; the whole time he has one hand caressing her neck, the other holding onto her ample rear end. "Do you want me to cum in your mouth?" She nods yes, kneels down and strokes him off with her hands; they both look happy.
        This was the most exciting scene in the film, and it was also done in the best-looking kitchen. Could this be a coincidence? Nevertheless, both performers looked pleased to be with each other, and for a Hungarian woman, Melanie showed some real enthusiasm.

Scene 8 - Gabriella Wolf, Phillipe Soine

Gabriella is a schoolgirl, who stops by her friend's house, but no one is home but the friend's dad, Phillipe. After some brief conversation in French, he gets mad, and starts spanking her. This leads to sex on the table, the floor, on a chair, in mish, doggy and doggy anal. The whole time, Phillipe is spouting forth in angry French, making the whole vignette come across as a bad French TV show. Gabriella looked like she couldn't wait for it all to finish, and the same goes for me.

Overall Impression: As usual for a compilation DVD, there are some good scenes, and some atrocious ones. The only scenarios I truly enjoyed were those with Steve Holmes. The rest were like a lot of boring American porn, what with the never-ending close-ups, camera mugging, even some tattoos on the women.
        But, if your porn needs consist of watching nothing more than beautiful Hungarian women being fucked in different kitchens, this DVD will do for you. For me, it only made me hungry for a real fruit tart.

DVD extras: Trailer, Photo gallery, Girls' profiles, production notes, language selection. For some reason, Country/Western music played during the main menu/ extras menu portion of the film. Don't ask me why.

Renee's Wristwatch-O-Meter: I normally give a rating to a movie, on how many scenes occur with the male talent wearing their watches, since I don't like seeing a man having sex with a timepiece on; I consider it to be a real fantasy killer. However, most of this movie was so boring, it wasn't worth my while to notice how many watches made it into each scene. For what it is worth, Steve Holmes did not wear any.

Email Renee with any comments you may have.