Homey In The Haystack Review

The Plot: Have you ever watched a mainstream movie and thought, "Wow. This would be soooo much better if that Dorothy chick would drop the dress and get it on with all those midgets?" Yeah, me too. Well, to take a step further, have you ever watched Witness and thought that there was an awful lot of potential being wasted under that black clothing and strict discipline? Well, wonder no more! Homey in the Haystack will show you what you wanted to see in the theaters!

Tyce Bune plays Joey "The Hacksaw" Lagata, a big-shot drug dealer who starts our movie off by getting busy with his girlfriend (Delia). Before things get too intense, Marvin Hayes (Byron Long) wanders in and gets his marching orders from his boss. He does not get a blow job, despite Troy's offer of his girlfriend's services. He is to deliver a package of drugs to a man downstairs. Well, he gets caught by the police and in a desperate attempt to save his own skin, he rats out his boss. The police arrest them all, and Joey swears to kill Melvin before he can testify. The police, in their infinite wisdom, decide that the best place to hide Melvin until the trial is with an Amish community.

Marvin arrives at the farm, assuming the identity of "Jebediah", a long-lost cousin who is coming to stay for a while. He arrives at the farm and is welcomed with open arms (wink wink nudge nudge). He is introduced to brother Samuel (Dave Hardman), his wife Emma (Candy Vegas) and their two daughters Emma and Elly Mae (Zoe and Regan Star). Note that apparently Mom and one of the daughters have the same name. As a side note, I found the first dinner scene humorous in a subtle way. As Candy is serving some huge sausages and sauerkraut, the actors keep glancing at the plate. I guess they've never seen sauerkraut, because they keep glancing at it like they are afraid it will leap from its perch and attack. Dammit, we lose more porn stars that way...

Let's see... three porn starlets sitting around eating foot long sausages. You don't suppose one of them would try to make suggestive eye contact while slurping down their meat, would you? Naaaaah. That kind of humor would be beneath porn! They would never sink to such... ah, screw it. All three of them try their hand at being sexy while eating sausage. All three of them fail miserably. From the excruciatingly bad delivery of the "Yes, it is a big hunk of meat. That's the way we like our wieners" to Mila and Zoe trying to look adult and seductive but instead looking young and immature... this dinner never really gets off the ground. We are then treated to some fish-out-of-water scenes with Marvin trying to shoe a horse, plow a field, and find the bathroom.

Well, Emma succeeds (after a lot of fast talking) into getting Marvin to whip out his unit so she can compare its size to their dinner sausages. I found this pretty amusing actually, especially when she said that she cleans the horse's penis every day, and that Marvin's dick is bigger. That was mildly amusing. Marvin replying that "Well, he's only a horse..." had me on the floor laughing. Well, you can guess how that particular show and tell session ends up.

Of course, being the relative from the liberal sections of the Amish faith, Marvin is approached by all who seek knowledge of the ways of men and women. Isaiah, the boyfriend of Emmy Mae (Zoe), comes to Marvin to seek advice. So does Emmy Mae. Isaiah gets words of wisdom and encouragement, while Emmy Mae gets her chest fondled and a lesson in the ways of a blowjob. Wow, talk about a double standard! Isaiah comes back for some more advice just in time to see Marvin's shlong sliding in and out of Emmy Mae's mouth. Talking fast, Marvin convinces Isaiah that he was just breaking her in for him, and he should whip it out and see what she's learned. For a sheltered Amish damsel experiencing her first taste of sex, Emmy Mae goes all out, getting DP'd by both Marvin and Isaiah. Hey, if you're going to do it, go all the way!

Marvin gets the "come home and testify" signal from a government agent in disguise (Mila), and runs off to go get his things. Along the way, he runs into Emma senior (Candy Vegas) who apparently has been talking to her daughters. Marvin must be getting used to this, because she no sooner says "I've never seen one as big as a horse" than he whips it out and she starts slurping away. Her husband Samuel (Dave Hardman) wanders in, and sternly tells Marvin that in Pennsylvania, you do not steal another man's wife. Shame! In Pennsylvania, you join in. Apparently, joining in means you get a bit of a blow job and watch the other guy screw your wife. What the fuck?

Well, Marvin takes off and we find our government contact taking on three of the Amish guys on at once. We don't know why. We don't know where she found them. They just show up and fuck her in the ass. Samuel comes out in the end and jacks off to the sky. Apparently clouds turn him on or something. Going to hell six inches at a time...

Samuel apparently has been feeling a little inadequate compared to Marvin (who wouldn't?). In order to prove that he can still fuck harder than the English, he tells his wife to suck him off. They then have sex on the kitchen table. We close our movie with Emmy Mae running naked through a field and telling "Jebediah" that thanks to him, she is now an Amish slut and she loves it. Rolls credits. Thank god.

The Cast: For those of you who like interracial porn, this disc will light up your life! Our ladies today are Mila, Zoe, Delia, Candy Vegas and Regan Star. To be honest, I have trouble telling these women apart. With the exception of Candy, they are all pale, skinny little sex machines with blonde hair and big mouths. Hopefully, I can keep them straight. Zoe is actually pretty easy to keep track of. She can't look seductive to save her life, but she can look sexy and impish without concentrating. Candy Vegas is cast very well as the mother of the family. She has a maturity to her that compliments the under-20 looks of her two "daughters." The male side of the species is represented by Johnny Thrust, Mark Wood (with a fake beard), Jay Ashley (with a fake beard), Dave Hardman (with a fake beard), Buck Adams (with a fake beard), Marc Vegas (Hmm... makes you wonder...), Tyce Bune, Brandon Irons and Byron Long (with a fake beard). Yep, those porn stars are getting pretty tricky with them thar disguises. For those of you who may not be aware, Byron is the only black member of the cast. He also gets more sex than anyone else in the film. He also has a huge dick. It truly is impressive. Trust me, we'll be talking about Byron's skills many times today!

Speaking of Byron's skills, he is one of the few members of this cast who can act. The others have over-acted their parts to the point of destruction. Gaaaah! We're talking junior high school level acting! "Oh no! Tommy has fallen down the 30 foot well! Sister, run home and fetch the fire chief to bring his big ladder to rescue Tommy. I'm going to sing a musical number."

Relax. There are no musical numbers in this movie.

The Sex: Our first scene occurs after Byron leaves to go peddle his drugs off screen. Delia and Tyce Bune go at it in a bed with a really cheesy mural over the headboard. (Can't afford a penthouse apartment with a view of the city? Take that basement room and paint a scene of the city at night on it! She'll never know the difference!) But enough about the decor, how is the sex? Pretty good, actually. They do a fairly intense 69 and proceed from there. Delia has a nice body and gives a very good looking blowjob (I'm sure it feels great, too). She has a nice set of natural breasts and a great set of legs. Sexually, she does very well when she's on top. She is definitely the more vocal of these two actors, because you don't hear a peep from him. We do see a few really good penetration shots. Alas, after a while, her gasps, which sound more like incoherent attempts at words, get really annoying. I know this must be the classic pornstar dilemma: How do you moan for fifteen minutes and keep it from sounding repetitious? Anyhow, they swap through a few positions and finish up with the cumshot on the face. Point to Delia for giving Tyce's tool some parting slurps. The camera work is a little strange, sometimes showing just enough of the actors to let you know something is happening (cutting the rest of their bodies off at the eyebrows), and at one point zooming in and focusing on the heel of her shoe. Weird. Overall, a reasonably good scene, but frankly it went on too long.

Anybody have a fantasy about doing it in a haystack? You know, stretch out in the hay and just enjoy the comfort of the open air? The warm sun on your body? The wet tongue on your nipple? I'll bet you ten to one you don't fantasize about it this way! Byron and Regan Star have a scene in the barn on top of the hay bales. First, I would like to comment on Ms. Star. She has a slight accent, which seems very out of place in Amish country (well, so do the purple nails and the hairless pussy). Her delivery of lines is rotten, but since I suspect that English is not her first language, I'm prepared to cut her some slack. She does have a good body and natural tits (yahoo!). Her blowjobs are slow and sensual, but her moans are typical porn star. She does manage to stay in character during sex, so points for her. Byron does a very good job giving her as much of his dick as she can take (there is some to spare). The best part is that she looks like she's having fun. I suspect the whole Amish aspect was taken very lightly during filming. "Take me like the horse in the field" doesn't really rank high on my list of things women say during sex. Overall, this is a pretty good scene. You get to see Byron and his dick in action (you have to refer to them separately, they're too large to include together!) and the camera work was above average.

Next, we have Byron, Zoe and Jay Ashley go for it on a wicker bench by the side of the house. First, Zoe has a great body that has been ruined by some chest implants. They aren't super- huge, but they're beginning to sag and when she stands up, the tops start to fold in unnatural ways. Apart from that, she portrays the sweet and naive to perfection. She looks like a shy high schooler, and more importantly, she moves like one. I'm serious! She has this shy grin & giggle that reminds me of a high school kid blushing when someone mentions the latest boy-band like the Backdoor Boys, *N-Stink, or New Kids on the Cock. I do have one concern: however liberal the Amish are in Pennsylvania, I don't think they have bellybutton rings. Just a hunch. Zoe does a little blowjob magic and then a lot of reverse cowgirl. Some reverse anal cowgirl as well, at which point Byron steps in and adds his dick to the mix. Zoe has a real sense of humor, because she can't keep a straight face while spouting off lines like "Fuck my Amish virgin cunt!" Hell, I couldn't keep a straight face, either! Anyhow, they all look like they're having a great time. Zoe looks very good and she looks like she's crawling her way up the scale to a good, solid orgasm. Very good scene.

Byron needs to learn some self-control. He's about to go back to civilization, away from the 4:30 AM wake-up calls and manual labor, and he stops to fuck Candy Vegas in the dining room. Okay, I admit, I'd probably take the time to whip out the Super Shlong for Candy, too. But I would keep her to myself and not let Dave Hardman join in. First, a word about Candy. She's actually quite good looking with a large set of breasts that appear to be 100% natural (yay!). However, there are a couple things I wish to point out. 1) Amish people rarely have tattoos of lighting bolts just above their pussy or a scorpion at the base of their spine, 2) they rarely have inch-long purple nails, silver earrings, a diamond ring and a tennis bracelet, and 3) she needs to stop riding the horse so hard. She has a number of bruises on the inside of her thighs that really look terrible. She does take dick up the ass like a trooper, though. There is a really good pull-out, switch holes, and push in shot in this scene. Candy moans quite well (better than some of the previous ladies) and plays with herself in fine fashion. Her sex is quite active and she looks like she's really getting into it. All in all, this is a pretty good scene. I'm going to have to watch for her in the future. Dave Hardman, on the other hand, could have been cut completely from this scene and it would have improved a bit. He doesn't do anything other than get blown a little and sit in the background jacking off. Someone also needs to do something about the sound. The moan are at a good volume, but some of the dialogue during the scene is too low to hear, and there is an annoying "beeeeeep" that occurs a couple times. It sounds like the warning buzzer on something expensive. Still, despite its faults, this is an above average scene. Pacing is good, camera work is good. And the actors (except Dave) do quite well.

Apparently Marvin isn't the only one who gets distracted from his mission. Our undercover government agent, Mila, passes the time by wandering up to three of the Amish guys and does 'em all on a blanket. Brother Samuel wanders by eventually, but he doesn't really have a part in the scene. He just jacks off in the background. Weird. Anyhow, Mila is rarin' to go, with her nipples already hard through her blouse. As a government agent, she should stick to desk work because she doesn't have this disguise thing down at all. Here's a hint: next time you want to pass for Amish, leave your watch at home! Anyhow, she gives all three of them a quick blowjob and then the first guy goes "pop" into her ass. I hope you don't like foreplay, because you're not going to get much. She goes through all the guys, but for a while you never get a shot of who is actually fucking her ass. It's just the next dick in line. Still, she puts a good bit of energy into her scenes, and she certainly seems like the anal fan. She must have a lot of practice, because everyone just slides right in with almost no resistance. There are several good penetration shots, especially the first one. There is a good deal of the actor pulling all the way out and ramming home in one thrust. Alas, Mila has some... uh... pressurization issues so when her partner pulls all the way out, you get interesting sound effects when he rams back in. They finish up with a very good DP. Everyone's moving right along, so you don't get the "one person stays put and tries not to fall out" scenario common to such scenes. Not a bad scene at all. It certainly is different than most. I could have skipped the end when Dave Hardman jacks off at the sky. I don't know whether he is trying to clear the fence or summon the aliens to take him home.

Well, we get to see Candy at it again! This is a plus in my book. Dave Hardman get to bang his "wife" on-camera in the kitchen. First, I hate to be nit-picky, but someone needs to scout out locations better. I don't think the Amish have air-conditioning vents in the ceiling, toaster ovens or electric crock-pots. They do, apparently, have an awful lot of anal sex. While I wasn't impressed with the set-up for this scene, Candy and Dave work very well together. After a nice blowjob, Dave rams it home to Candy while she's bent over the table. I mean RAMS it home. High-impact penetration, here. After working her twat over for a bit, Candy begs for it up the ass, and provides the cantaloupe for lubrication. Hey cool! Fun with food! This scene rocks. I have got to find out what else Candy's been in, I'm very impressed. As an included bonus, the actors don't break character and ad-lib a couple lines that are hysterical. The only question I have is that just before the very weak pop shot, they appear to be disengaging from a position that wasn't shown. I guess it was a time crunch, but I would have liked to see Candy on top, which is what it looked like. Oh well, maybe next time.

Overall, the sex in this movie is quite good. Lots of anal here, so I hope you like it. For those who are wondering, there isn't a single condom to be found in the movie. And apparently cantaloupe is the only lubricant.

The Image/Audio: The image is pretty good. No distracting artifacts or anything really wrong. It wasn't an excellent image, but nothing to complain about. It was a little grainy in some of the outdoor shots, and the occasional indoor shot wasn't lit very well.

The sound, on the other hand, needs help. About 3/4 of the way through the movie, the sound gets seriously out of sync with the action. It's really distracting, and it is really noticeable at the beginning of chapter 6. Several times throughout the movie, the sound drops in and out in the left channel. Eventually, the disc just gives up and the sound only comes out of the right channel. Some scenes are recorded well, others have the gain of the microphone cranked up really high. You can always hear the actors, but you can occasionally hear everything else as well (furniture scraping, footsteps, some type of "beep" from off-camera during one scene...). The background music was definitely background. I had trouble hearing it and quickly forgot it was there on several occasions.

The Extras: We have scene selection, a photo gallery and previews for five other Heatwave DVDs: Sex Solution, Love Potion 69, Black Beach Patrol, Tail Gating and I Love You Jasmine . That's it.

The Good: If you like interracial porn, this disc is definitely one to consider. The women all look good, and the sex is pretty nasty and original. That and the occasional line that is just so stupid, it's funny.

The Bad: They say that an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinite amount of time could eventually produce the works of Shakespeare. For this plot... two gorillas, twenty minutes. Throw in audio problems and a distinct lack of extras, and it wouldn't take much work at all.

Overall: If you like interracial, it's worth a look. Otherwise, try to find it on sale somewhere if you are curious. It's not bad, but there is better out there.