Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits Review

Running Time: 227 min.

Production Date: 1997

Director: None given

Cast: Rachel Love, Rayveness, Tara Gold, Kiss, Lilli Xene, Shelby Stevens, Rick Oshay, Ron Jeremy, Dave Hardman, and many more who aren’t named for obvious reasons

Initial Expectations: With a title like Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits I’m not expecting too much.

Initial Reaction: An air sickness bag should have been included.

Who Should Watch It : Fans of female masturbation and anybody who thinks that second or third generation VHS tapes look purty dang good.

Who Should Avoid It: Anybody who likes a decent picture and good sex.

Audio /Video Quality: As a compilation feature, one expects the audio and video quality to vary a little. The audio varies between sucking horribly and bad. The clearest thing you can here in the feature is the director telling the stars what to do. The video, however, doesn’t vary much. It’s pretty steady at blowing huge chunks throughout the feature. I’ve seen third generation VHS tapes look better than this.

Music: There’s virtually no music in the entire feature. When there is music it’s quietly in the background.

FALSE ADVERTISING: The feature doesn’t last four hours. It’s about thirteen minutes short which would normally be about one scene. I wouldn’t have a problem if the cover said “almost 4 hours” but it doesn’t. It states 4 hours with the 4 having the biggest size on the cover.

The Feature: With the exception of about three scenes, Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits will unite people all across this planet, and possibly a few more, when they watch it. People far and wide will reach for their remote control and run to the liquor store for mass quantities of alcohol to deal with watching it. I assume that the lack of any type of credits (the only words to cross the screen were the title of the feature) is because nobody wants to admit to being associated with it. Some notable stars are listed on the cover, but this isn’t their best work. Overall, Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits is filled with average-at- best looking women and unattractive guys. There are a few exceptions, but not many, and none of them include men.

The best scene in the feature involves Kiss and another lady who I think I should know (I think it might be Rayveness). They start off in the bathroom before hopping into the shower. Sadly, the bathroom is too small to get more than one camera angle, but the girls work around it. After toweling off, they move in front of a large mirror before going back to the bedroom for a little dildo fun. This was the second to the last scene on the DVD and really surprised me. After how bad the rest of the feature was I didn’t think that it would even contain a scene with Kiss. That it contains one with such great chemistry and where it’s obvious the ladies are having a great time really floored me. This scene was good enough that it should have started out the feature, not buried near the end where most people would give up hope for the feature. Of course, it might have been placed that close to the end to keep people such as myself watching in hopes of seeing a star as good as Kiss.

The other notable scene is a few scenes earlier than Kiss’s and comes from a dishwater blonde that I don’t think I’ve seen before. She starts out in some blue lingerie and does a nice tease before tit-fucking a pink dildo and then fucking herself silly with it. There are two other scenes almost identical to this, but neither of them come close to the job this lovely lady does. She starts out slow and builds to a frenzy at the end. Just as she starts to come down the scene ends, which really pissed me off. This was the first really hot scene in the feature and cutting it off early made it seem like whoever put this compilation together realized how good it is and tried to sabotage the scene so you wouldn’t realize how much the rest of the feature sucked. It also ticks me off since it’s advertized as being four hours, which it isn’t, yet they cut stuff off. What the heck is with this?

There are a couple other notable performances on the feature, but the entire scene doesn’t go as good as these two. The first scene has an obviously bleached blonde (the carpet and drapes don’t even look like they’re from the same house if you know what I mean) being shown how to do laundry by a guy with a ponytail. I admit, a guy having to show a woman how to do laundry does amuse me since that’s one of those things that seems encoded in the female genes. ::duck, grin, run:: Just kidding, ladies. This scene has some of the best chemistry in the movie. Both of them are having a great time and it shows. Sadly, the camera work is lacking and the only sound the camera seems to be able to pick up is the washing machine. It’s too bad. Granted, neither of them are extremely good looking (I’d say they’re both pretty average actually), but the chemistry between them should have made this scene a winner rather than having the scene ruined by the technical aspects.

The other notable scene has Ron Jeremy as a clown who’s the only person to show up at a buxom bleached blonde’s birthday bash other than a cockroach. After reading Morrigan’s review of Freaks & Geeks I couldn’t help but be afraid. I really wanted to not like this scene, but the Hedgehog was amusing. The blonde is depressed so he tries cheering her up by juggling lemons and lube. He also drops stupid circus jokes throughout the entire scene that I wanted to hate but couldn’t help but groan at. There’s something mildly human about the entire scene that makes it worth mentioning.

Sadly, that’s about all that’s worth mentioning in Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits . If it weren’t for the first two scenes I mentioned, I would have given the sex only a half a point and might have even downgraded the overall DVD to a goose egg. Features like this are what gives compilations a bad name that people fear. It doesn’t look like any effort at all was put into this DVD.

Extras: There’s a phone sex commercial and pictures of the covers of other titles in the Fuck Holes series, presumably so you can avoid them.

Themes: Straight, busty, tit-fucking, toys, masturbation, and rimming (male > female)

Raincoat Factor: If it was done right it would be extreme. As it is, medium low (which is pretty sad for an all sex movie)

Overall: Currently, Fuck Holes: Big Fucking Tits can be found online for between $19 and $24 with almost all of the stores offering it for about $20. This price is insulting! If you can find it for under $5, pick it up for Kiss’s scene and a couple of the masturbation scenes. The audio and video is the worst overall I’ve seen so far and there aren’t any extras worth mentioning.

Note to Legend: If you’re going to put out DVDs like this, figure out some way to get the price down so retailers can sell it for under $5. Also, don’t exaggerate the time of the feature. It makes the customer feel ripped off.

If you have any questions or comments, please e- mail me .