First Time Fuckers (Barrack X 69) Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  6/11/2005

Since no one in this entire film fucks, the title is grossly misleading! There’s just jacking off, some inept cocksucking, and some ineffectual dildoing. None of which defines the word “fuck” in my book.

First up (no pun intended) is Jaime Wayans, a young black marine who has won a purple heart. He strips and prepares to jack off. Now this leads me to a question about these amateur masturbation films. If you want a guy to get hard and cum would you chatter away and distract him from the matter in hand? It’s one thing to offer encouragement and flattery, but to talk as though you were just sitting around drinking beer strikes me as absurd. Anyway despite the magpie behind the camera, Jamie does cum, although at the moment of ecstasy the camera is on his face not his cock.

Bryan age 21 is a handsome farm-boy type with a very nice body that has been disfigured by a bible verse on his chest. It says something about Yahweh teaching his hands for war and his fingers for battle. But it seems that at the moment his hands and fingers are better occupied in masturbating.

He’s followed by Michael, a round-faced and heavy-set dude (5’9”, 180 lbs). Even though he has a different cameraman who does not distract him, Michael has to work furiously to shoot his load.

Finally a pair, Rico Montes and Justin Lake, and I think the title may be accurate, but it was a vain hope. Rico is a cute Latino and Justin is very sweet. (Even though they are in army fatigues, I doubt if either is in the military.) They kiss and Rico sucks Justin’s cock, getting him hard. Annoying flashbulbs pop throughout their scene, and the photographer’s unkempt head appears twice in the frame. Justin gives a little suck to Rico. Justin is then shown sticking one of his fingers up his own ass. (ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE FUCKING FLASHBULBS!) Rico attempts to insert a vibrator in Justin’s shit-chute. He gets only about two inches in before Justin starts crying like a woman in childbirth. “I can’t take anymore!” It’s not in the least erotic. And it’s really just a waste of time.

The last scene contains two more young’uns, Sven and Ethan Speake. Both are in military fatigues. (As Sven is Swedish, I know fucking well he’s not in the American military!) They start by sucking tongues and this goes on for much too long. Sven is the active partner and when he removes Ethan’s pants he uncovers a raging hard on. He licks and sucks it. Ethan will also get the vibrator treatment. Unlike Justin in the previous scene, he doesn’t complain. I thought maybe Sven would follow up the vibrator with some cock—but NO!

False advertising! Crappy film! Viewers would get more buying their own vibrator.