Don't Kiss Me I'm Straight Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  7/30/2006

Seducing a straight guy. It’s one of the all-time gay fantasies. Yet the reality is that although it may provide a tremendous boost to the ego, it’s probably going to be pretty bad sex.
DON’T KISS ME I’M STRAIGHT is divided into four encounters that are supposedly true-life adventures written by gays who seduced straights. Accept it as truth if you will.

In “Pizza Boy” young blond Jim Montana has set the scene for seduction. A straight porn video is playing on the TV. The deliveryman, David Grant (he’s a little too old to be a boy) is left sitting on the sofa as Jim goes off to get his money. Naturally David watches the action on the screen. Naturally he springs a boner. When Jim returns, he sits next to David and takes a long time to get the money from his wallet. (It will not take him long to get the dick out of David's pants.) He reaches over to touch the deliveryman’s thigh. The deliveryman’s initial reaction is to quickly remove Jim’s hand. But it’s only a token resistance because there’s not even an “Is that a revolver you’ve got in your pocket or are you just glad to see me” from Jim before he’s on his knees and a cock is in his mouth. Of course once you’ve got a straight guy’s dick in your mouth you’re home free. (Yes, it’s a big one.) Next thing we know, both are completely naked; Jim is on his back on the sofa and the cock that was in his mouth is in his ass. I like to see initial entry when it comes to fucking and am miffed when I don’t, but the sight of Jim on his back with his legs in the air and a cock in his ass is still rather elevating. (These two are pictured on the front cover and also dominate the back.) To put a little variety into the action Jim gets up and goes over to the fireplace where he leans on the mantel. Our pizza boy follows and continues the fuck in this standing position. Jim spatters the hearth with his spooge. The deliveryman withdraws and deposits his load onto Jim’s back.

In “Bait & Switch” popular porn star Chad Knight employs a redheaded floozy named Viper to go into a restaurant and lure straight Tony Raz. Tony is the easiest pickup I’ve ever seen. (What some straight guys won't do to put their pricks into holes that smell like three-day-old fish or over-ripe cheese.) Chad comes in and joins them. Viper invites Tony for champagne at eight. Her job done she leaves the “boys” together. Chad drives Tony over to his place where they wait for the no-show Viper. Suddenly Chad makes a pounce on Tony’s crotch. There’s a feeble “Hey, man, what’re you doin’?” before Chad has Tony’s cock down his throat. “That feels good” is Tony’s next comment. Eventually the now-naked Tony is taking off Chad’s clothes and showing intense interest in his ass. I don’t think I need tell you what comes (or cums) next. There is however a very unique position at one point: Chad standing on his head as Tony plows into the upturned rear.

“The Bellboy” follows. There is a switch here as it is the straight one who gets fucked. A well-built black stud lands at LAX. His rental car is delivered to him by an uncredited Paul Baressi. Mr. Cox as he is called (should that be Cocks?) drives through a portion of Beverly Hills and stops to gaze in the window of Armani on Rodeo Drive. He is met at the hotel by the bellboy, Karl Thomas. For $200 Karl has agreed to give Mr. Cox a massage. He is told to remove his clothes as he might get oil on them. When both are only in their briefs, Mr. Cox lies down on the sofa for the massage. Karl has barely begun when the client tells him he will show how it should be done. Getting Karl to lie on his stomach on the floor, the guest straddles him. Cox’s hard uncut dick is out and ready as he begins pulling off Karl’s briefs. The bellboy protests but the offer of an extra $200 induces him to take the black cock up his ass BAREBACK! Soon Karl too is hard as the black rod bears down on his prostate. “Give me that black cock!” he screams. When it is over Karl is $400 dollars richer, has shot his load, and has learned a new trade.

The concluding scene is “Special Forces”. Robbie Anderson and his army buddy Nick Youngblood—both in camouflage gear—are seated in a bar taking about pussy. Latin Eddie Greeko overhears them and realizes these horny boys might get up to something, so he buys them a beer. They invite him over to their table and Eddie invites them home. Over at Eddie’s, the boys are sitting on the couch watching a porn flick. Eddie is seated on the floor. Nick asks if he can take a bath and heads off to the bathroom leaving Robbie and Eddie alone. Robbie suggests that Eddie sit up on the couch. With Eddie now seated next to him, the horny Robbie takes out his stiff dick. He tells Eddie to go for it, so Eddie leans over and swallows it down. (Who was seducing whom here?) In the bathroom a stiff-dicked Nick finishes his bath and shave. He comes back into the living room totally naked. (Again I ask the question: who is seducing whom here?) Silly Nick retreats from the scene but Robbie suggests they go after him so we cut to the bedroom where we find Nick sitting on Robbie’s back giving Eddie oral access to both Robbie’s ass and Nick’s prick. Nick soon cums. Eddie gives Robbie the finger. Robbie jacks off. It’s a scene that promises far more than it ultimately delivers.

On the whole the film is well directed by John Summers and Philip St. John and nicely photographed by Greg Lenzman and Derek Powers. It’s a pretty good film. I was incredibly surprised to see a bareback scene. Indeed I backed up twice to make doubly sure I had seen what I had seen: Mr. Cox’s bare cock entering Karl’s ass. (We see entry here. The only time we do.) The performers are attractive. Most are just out of twinkdom. The price is right. It’s worth a look.

No straight guys were harmed during the making of this film.