Debbie Does Dallas '99 Review

The Plot: Ah... Debbie. I grew up with the original Debbie Does Dallas, and I'm sure everyone remembers the wonderful sense of innocence gone awry that the first film produced. Well, you can forget all of that, because Debbie has been reincarnated in the form of Lexus, who looks more like a porn star than a cheerleader. Go figure. Clueless and innocence are not synonymous.

But Debbie movies have plot! And what a plot it is, filled with determination, perseverance, and triumph of good over evil. Ah, who am I kidding? It's a porn plot, it doesn't have to make sense. Debbie's car breaks down while hauling her friends around town, and she takes it to the mechanic for him to work his magic on the poor Pontiac. Well, he pronounces it deceased, and Debbie spies the perfect replacement: an aging white & purple schoolbus. Debbie has this wild vision of her and her cheerleading friends riding around town, partying wherever they go, and generally getting into naked mischief. We won't get into the concepts of the type of license you need to drive a bus, the amount of gas it consumes, or that parallel parking is a bitch. Alas, after "negotiating" the mechanic down a bit (mostly by going down a bit), she finds she needs $10,000 to buy this contraption. She puts the idea to her squad of cheerleaders, who agree to help out. Ah, but where to get 10 grand on a cheerleader's salary? The strip joint, of course! Debbie convinces everyone to try out for an amature strip contest, whose grand prize is $1,000. After winning the money by doing a five-way lesbian show and a three way boffing of the judge, they now have a grand total of $1,000. They place a bet with a bookie for their home team to win the next basketball game, and then proceed to "adjust" the odds in their favor. Let's see... how would you help your team in her place? Right. You and your girlfriends would attempt to wear the other team's players out by screwing them into submission. Okaaaaaay. You know, right about this time, I would be thinking that this is an awful lot to do for a bus. Anyhow, after failing to seduce one of the players, and discovering why athletes are picked for their endurance, the girls aim their sights at the management level, instead of the worker level. As in any environment, if you fuck things up at the top, things will suffer at the bottom. The coach and the owner fall prey to the girls' charms (who wouldn't?) and cripple the team from above. The girls make one final play for the star forward, and succeed in putting him in traction. Our team wins, the ladies collect their money, and they ride off into the sunset.

I would love to sit around and point out plot holes, but nobody watches these things for plot. Even me.

The Cast: The most notable entrant in this fine festival of flesh is Lexus, in the role of Debbie. Her compliment of partners in porn include Mickey Lynn, Stephannie Swift, Reyna, Toni James, and Lovette. On the ramming end of things, we have Tony Tedeschi, Billy Glide, T.T. Boy, Jon Dough, Vince Vouyer, Mr. Marcus, Paul Thomas. Lexus has a very slim and attractive body, set off at the top by some massive fake breasts. I personally like Mickey Lynn (I think it's the hair), and Stephanie Swift looks hot. The dialouge is okay, but the acting is pretty wooden all around. Of course, it's hard to be concerned about it when staring at five beautiful, horny and naked women.

The Sex: Debbie starts off by banging Tony Tedeschi in the bus that she's attempting to buy. She starts with a slow blowjob to the tune of this really awful music that you would expect from a Mexican restaurant's music system. The dialogue has been turned off for this sequence, as you can clearly see both actors talking, but nothing emerges from your speakers except bad synthoporn. The two actors put in a pretty good performance at least. Lexus gives a pretty good blowjob, and Tony is really energetic. She looks like she enjoys it... but something seems kind of "off". I think it's because she looks as if she's feeling sweet, gentle sensations of pleasure while her partner is attempting to fuck her brains out. She looks good doing it though!

After finding out that they suck at being strippers, five of our favorite ladies of cheer get up on stage and put on a show for the gentlemen. There is a lot of fingers and tongues and more fingers moving all over the place. There is some really loud electric guitar, too. It's reasonably erotic once they get away from the football cheer and get out of the clothing. It's aesthetically a very pretty scene, and it doesn't last very long at all. Pity, really.

Next up, Lexus interrupts a blowjob that Lovette was giving to the bar owner, so naturally she has to make amends. She starts by blowing the owner of the club, and it is a striking contrast to her first blowjob in the movie. This time, I think she means it. Lexus uses her long legs to good effect here, and manages to occupy both of her partners. She gets most of the dick while her competitor manages to finish him off with some anal work. It is a pretty brief, but good looking scene. Lexus puts in a fine performance, looking like she is really enjoying herself. The real unfortunate part is the background music. It starts with a blues riff, switches to a typical synthoporn beat, and then goes into what sounds like a big band number. Make up your mind!

Our next encounter is between Mr. Marcus and Mickey Lynn. This scene is brimming with energy, and they look like they had a lot of fun shooting it. It's meant to have a bit of comedy in it, and it succeeds wonderfully. The scene is supposed to take place over ten hours of non-stop sex. After they finish with him cuming over her breasts, she collapses and he leans down and starts over. The next few scenes are the clock hands moving around and Mr. Marcus banging away like the Energizer bunny. Mr. Marcus apparently like his wheaties with a spoonful of Vivarin, because he is practically exploding with energy. The air pump he does towards the end is great (Look Ma! No hands!). A good scene. There were some serious audio problems, mainly consisting of gentle moans when the actress was supposed to be screaming.

Having failed in their mission, two of our intrepid heros begin to fuck the owner of the team (Jon Dough) in order for him to trade the star forward to another team. I didn't reailze you could trade players in college sports. I didn't realize that you paid them, either. What do I know? I don't watch sports, I watch porn. Anyhow, it starts with some very good lesbian action and proceeds to blowjob and sex in his office. While Reyna does a credible job, Mickey Lynn gets high marks for her reverse cowgirl technique. She puts her hands in her hair, and does this up/down/side-to-side swivel that just looks wonderful. The owner bends them both over a desk and squirts over both of their bare asses. A pretty standard scene, but the image of Mickey riding that dick and swaying side to side is going to stay with me for a while. There is a weird spot at the top of the image that is tinged blue for a few seconds. Just another image problem on this disc.

Now that the owner is going to trade the star player (having fallen victim to the brainwashing power of cheerleaders everywhere), we find two of the Cheerleaders (Toni James and Stephanie Swift, I think) going to work on the coach of the opposing team, Vince Voyeur. I really like this scene, from the outfits to the bodies to Toni who has natural breasts and great hip action. She's very vocal, too. We start with some oral performed on a love seat in the coach's office (okay, hands up everyone who has a padded love seat in their office). After teasing the coach with this display, Stephanie sucks him to full harness and then lets Toni take over. Hmm... why is our brunette friend (who has been masturbating with a dildo while her friend does all the work), here at all? Is it because she is the mastermind behind the mission? Is it because she is stealing the playbook for her team's nefarious uses? Hell no! She's there so that she can get a stiff dick in the ass and have a screaming orgasm on camera. I know I said Toni was vocal, but Stephanie is loud! She bangs her head on the desk, she screams, she twitches... A good scene, overall. Theoretically, the ultra-important playbook was snatched in this process, but little plot details like that are often overlooked in adult cinema.

Well, proving that teamwork is the success behind every basketball game, all five of the cheerleaders gang up on the star forward (T.T Boy) and proceed to fuck him silly. Actually, they fuck him hard enough to put him on crutches. The camera shot as the sex starts (fuck foreplay, we go right into a cowgirl action) is very nicely framed, and it shows up a couple more times. Lexus takes a turn bouncing up and down in a reverse cowgirl that shows you just how long-legged she is. There is a lot of licking, sucking, fingering and thrusting throughout this scene. T. T. Boy ends up with each of the girls at some point. Lots of lesbian action in this scene! A notable part include Mr. Boy doing Mickey Lynn doggie style, pulling out and shooting into Stephanie Swift's mouth. This scene was very hot, and the highlight of the movie.

Lot of good sex on this disc! Still can't get over the Mickey Lynn image...

The Audio / Image: The image on this disc is pretty poor. Color saturation has been turned up too high, and the flesh tones are definitely warm. Artifacts and shimmering abound throughout the disc. During the sex scene inside the bus you can actually see a thread that got caught somewhere in the process. This thread apparently liked it's brief cameo appearance in the first sex scene, because it gave an encore performanc during the last sex scene. I had problems activating the multi-angle feature in one of the scenes, which was decidedly annoying.

The background music on this disc, while peppy and maybe good for an elevator ride to the 30th floor in Hell's High-Rise Apartments, is completely out of place and inconsistent. It really does distract in some scenes. Granted, they're all reasonably good bits of music, but they just don't belong as background in a porno. As noted in the scene breakdown, the music switches themes, rhythms and tempos between songs that just seems incongrous. The final song where they start to gang up on T. T. Boy has something about a potato in the lyrics that just makes me wonder which musician was banging the producers.

The Extras: Ah, Vivid once again throws more extras at you than you can shake a dick at. You can tell from the start of the disc, which features Lexus during a photo shoot, that this is no ordinary bare-bones disc. Full motion scene selection to nine places in the movie, two previews, an "interactive room" with three scenes, the Bad Girls dungeon VR interface that I hate so much, two clips of AVN award-winning sex, a link to the WWW and a "meet the girls" bio section. Please take note: the girls featured in the bios section are not in the movie you just watched. I hate that. The "Bad Girls" section has four scenes, all of them with a prison theme to them, and none of them go to completion. Flip the disc over for "special features" and you get more previews. Including the ones that were on the first side of the disc. Hello, McFly! We already saw those! There are something close to twelve trailers on this side.

The Good: Women are beautiful, plot isn't too bad, music could be worse.

The Bad: Image quality is low. Music is weird. Extras are frustrating.

Overall: It's worth seeing if you were a fan of the original Debbie Does Dallas. They've taken the series and updated it to modern porn filming styles. It's worth a rental at least, but I would shy away from purchasing it.