Blonde, The (VCX) Review

Reviewed by jayo  on  1/30/2011

The Blonde
Studio: VCX
Stars: Annette Haven, Brooke West, Mai Lin, Dhaije Taan, Bonnie Holiday, Blair Harris, David Morris, Holly Page, Harmony, Nikki Anderson
Director: Elliot and Harry Lewis
Running Time: 1 Hour 14 minutes (no bonus material)

I've had this movie for decades. I had it on VHS since the 80s and ran it so often it has wear spots in certain scenes, so when I found it was on DVD I snatched it up.

The Blonde came out in 1980 and it's definitely of the "classic" era. It was shot on film and it has that soft, pastel color look to it. At that time people were more into oral, so it's centered a lot more around blowjobs and clit licking, with some standing 69 thrown in. No anal. No cream pies, and absolutely no condoms.

Being a feature, however, means it has a thread of a plot. Annette Haven is an actress who's going to play the title role in a biopic of an old movie star, Valerie Vincent. Someone unearthed a bunch of old porn loops that Valerie did on the side. Annette goes to the hotel that used to be Valeries house to drink in the vibes. And of course everybody gets laid.

Valerie Vincent was a blonde, so Annette (who's a natural straight-haired brunette) spends the rest of the movie in a blonde, curly wig, and looks supringingly good in it.

Feature porn often falls into two categories, the "it is so an art," where it's artsy-fartsy and high concept and about as erotic as a Jackson Pollock abstract. Or it's tries to be funny and looks like it was a 15 year old's bathroom jack-off fantasy. The Blonde goes for the latter. Example: one of the hotel waiters fucks one of the guests in the kitchen, as his boss keeps walking through and not noticing. Finally, on one pass she see what's going on, and says, "that's it! You're through!" The guest says, "no, he's not." Cumshot. "Now he's through."

The real Valerie Vincent also makes an appearance as a ghost, so you could say Annette Haven plays a dual role.

Production values are pretty good. The original film work was well done and attractive to look at. Annette Haven looked her best, and she's got some good looking talent around her. David Morris is my favorite male star, mostly because he looks like a regular guy you'd see yourself having a beer with, instead of the used-car salesmen or Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers dudes you often see in these things, or the weekend-leave convicts you see in modern flicks. And the very pretty Mai Lin (as a chambermaid) shows up for some lesbian action toward the end.

You do get lots of bad classic-era porn music, though, but they also liberally used John Coltrane's "My Favorite Things," so at least in a couple scenes I don't have to watch with the sound off.

No special features, bonuses, or anything else. And only six chapters, so it's difficult to quickly skip around to something if you're using a tradtional DVD remote. With good DVD software on a computer it's not so bad.

Overall, I'm pleased with it. It's an old favorite that was rescued from my worn-out VHS copy and I'm thrilled. People who love extreme or gonzo, modern porn will probably be bored. But those of us who like the more laid back, John Coltrane laced, easy going, cock-in-pussy or cock-in-mouth porn will find it to be a real treat.