Big Toys No Boys Review

Studio: Devil's Film
Director: Tristan Seagal
Year: 2004

Feature Time: 2:19:14

Extras: Trailers (0:07:09)

Starring:
Sarah Twain
Samantha
Linda
Chelsea
Patricia
Angie
Nikki Sun
Sandra Sanchez
Kirsty (Romana)
Jennifer Max
Natali
Sarah
Victoria
Cindy

Themes: Lesbian, European

Devil's Film has been releasing a lot of stuff from Europe recently, mostly from the director Tristan Seagal, and also under a new label called White Ghetto Films (see my review for "Teen Pussy Patrol"). This one is another Euro-girl Lesbian romp featuring a lengthy cast and a promise of "Big Toys" and "No Boys" allowed. I'm only really familiar with the lovely Sarah Twain, who starred and directed in the aforementioned "Teen Pussy Patrol," so the majority of these girls I'll be seeing for the first time.

Scene 1: Sarah + Victoria + Cindy

Ah, the time-honored tradition of European porn starlets just using one name. And it's usually a common name, so you have no clue if some girl is Sarah #8 from Budapest or Sarah #14 from Munich. Needless to say, they are hard to keep straight. Also, I have little clue as to which girl is which in the scenes; there's no cast identification of the girls individually.

No clue about any of the identities of these three girls. They're all very common names, and all these girls probably use a different name in Europe, so who the hell knows about these three. One's a tall, very good-looking brunette with shoulder-length hair. The other two are also very cute, one with shorter dirty blonde hair and great natural breasts, and the other kind of alternative-looking with lots of piercings and blonde streaks in her hair.

These three mystery babes wear some tacky fishnet tights (each one has the same eye-sore stockings, only in different colors) and cram some dildos in and out of each other's vaginas. Nobody seems too enthused about it. The girls just basically roll around on a bed and languidly frig each other with some toys. One girl, the tall dark-haired one does anal and a DP with two different toys. It's over eventually.

Scene 2: Jennifer Max + Kirsty + Natali

Kirsty, I think, is better known as Romana. She's a cute blonde girl who was an excellent cum-dodger in Red Light District's "Straight to the A 3." One of these girls is Jennifer Max, who's a brunette. The other one I guess is Natali. This is about as good as I can do with this tangled forest of a cast list. Anyway, there's three very Euro-looking women, Kirsty/Romana is the blonde one, and two tall statuesque brunettes.

They seem completely disinterested in the scene as they roll around on a bed and lazily lick and fuck each other with glass dildos. Romana eats one of the brunette girls out with no passion whatsoever. One of the dark-haired girls has an extremely hairy pussy and asshole, if you're into that. Count me as one who is not. The hairy one and Romana both do anal with a double-ended dildo. No real heat at all in these first two clunkers of scenes.

Scene 3: Samantha + Linda + Chelsea

The tough-to-identify Euro-starlets continue. I figured out that Samantha is the tall, lithe blonde one with a shaved pussy. Linda seems to be a good-looking brunette with a tight body and large natural breasts. Chelsea, therefore, is the other blonde in this scene, I'm pretty sure.

Samatha diddles Linda with a glass dildo before Chelsea begins fucking her in reverse cowgirl with a strap-on. Double-sided dildo action (looks like the same one from the other 2 scenes, hope they disinfect it) between the two blondes. None of these girls really seems to want to be here either. All I pretty much wanted to do up until this point in the movie is fast-forward to the end. At least there is some passionate kissing between Samantha and Chelsea in the scene which was kind of hot. Anal with a glass dildo for Chelsea before the scene ends abruptly.

Scene 4: Nikki Sun + Patricia + Angie

These are three tall blonde girls who all look pretty similar, so I'm not even going to try to feebly identify them. There's three girls, they're all blonde, and they fuck each other. That's about as much as I can tell you. One of them bangs another one with a strap-on which was not very erotic, just awkward. A couple of them appear to do anal, with toys of course. There's a little bit of passion and kissing and oral sex between the girls in these scenes, I guess, but everyone just uniformly looks like they would rather be anywhere else than filming this movie and boredly inserting dildos into each other.

Scene 5: Sarah Twain + Sandra Sanchez

Well, this was the scene I was waiting for on the DVD, if for no other reason than the fact I know who these girls are. Sarah Twain is a tall, statuesque brunette who also has been directing movies as of late. She's paired with another quite attractive blonde-haired starlet named Sandra Sanchez.

The two seriously hot chicks kiss passionately and make out for a while with the first real heat the DVD has seen so far. Sandra works a large black dildo into Sarah's pussy and Sarah returns the favor with a gold vibrator. Sarah does some anal with a curved glass dildo and a DP with another toy. They kiss and the scene fades out. This was a pretty good girl-girl pairing but I'm afraid it's too little, too late.

"Big Toys No Boys" is a disaster of cast identification; it's impossible for me to ascertain who many of these Euro-starlets with one name are, even using helpful resources like sbando's Euro-babe index (www.eurobabeindex.com/sbandomain.html). The other European Lesbo release from Devil's I reviewed, "Teen Pussy Patrol" was far superior and at least featured some energy from the performers. This is a procession of disinterested Euro-girls who perform like pieces of lumber for their "gay-for-pay" paychecks. The last scene salvages the disc somewhat, but it's not nearly enough. I can't really recommend this one comfortably, unless you are a huge fan of a lot of these girls or you really like tame, robotic Lesbian action.