Action Sports Sex 5 Review

Reviewed by Saki  on  4/9/2000

Action Sports Sex 5 (1999)
Studio: Vivid Raw
Directed by: Robby D.
Starring: Shelbee Myne, Dayton Rains, Felicity, Elizabeth Starr, McKayla, Envy, C.J. Bennett, T.J. Hart, Jessica Jewel, Bobby V., Brandon Iron, Pat Myne, Steve Taylor
Running Time: 2:09
Format: Double Sided, Single Layer
DVD Features: Animated main menu; full motion video chapter selection; 2 photo galleries with 65 photos; 8 random video clips; and trailers for Action Sports Sex Vols. 1-3 and Sin-a-Matic Vols. 2-3.

The First Word: If it wasn't for the irritating chatter and really, really bad boob jobs, this gonzo would have had a chance...

Plot Synopsis: This is a first-person gonzo with Robby D. as the cameraman. No plot, just the typical gonzo B.S. of picking up girls off the street, even though we know that they're all porn stars. In this case, most of the pickups involve "finding" bikini-clad girls on the beach and brining them back to a sparsely-furnished house and fucking. There are five scenes in this 2-hour plus video, with the first being a four-way between Bobby V., Shelbee Myne (sporting her awkward new breasts), Dayton Rains (a petite brunette with an interesting talent), and Felicity (a very pretty blonde from the Czech Republic). Next, Pat Myne and Bobby V. tag-team these two pairs of girls: Shelbee plus Elizabeth Starr (ugh--see below) and Envy plus McKayla (the third and final natural boobed girl in this gonzo). The third scene is a fairly conventional one-on-one with Bobby V. and C.J. Bennett. Although the start of the fourth scene suggests the possibility of another group sex scene, we have to be satisfied with just a boy-girl with long-haired T.J. Hart and Brandon Iron. Finally, the video ends with a scene between dirty-talking and dominant Jessica Jewel and Steve Taylor. There's a little surfing footage thrown in, but this series has become Action Sports Sex in name only.

What I Liked: Hot action: For the most part, the sex is pretty exciting and proves to me that Raw can produce good gonzo and all-sex titles, despite its Vivid lineage. You've got all of the elements that turn raincoaters on: girls gagging on huge dicks, clear penetration shots, lots of anal, facials, cum bubbles, and dirty talk. With this action combined with some better looking girls would have made for a great gonzo, but alas, we have see the action performed by some really marginal chicks.

Good looking guys and a few cute girls: I normally don't touch on the looks of the guys, but I need something positive to say about this DVD, so... With the exception of dorky looking Pat Myne, the guys in this video are ideal gonzo studs: tanned, muscled, well-hung (and hard--there's nothing worse than a big, semi-hard dick). I was particularly impressed with Bobby V., who is pretty much the ideal porn stud, except for his annoying tendency to whack his cock with his hand to distract himself (?!?!). Anyway, the guys are joined by a couple of cute girls who stand out like an oasis in the desert. Dayton Rains is a cute girl (and would be even cuter without the tattoos) who has the unusual ability to shoot things out of her pussy, a skill she demonstrates by ejecting a ping pong ball and squirting water from the pool--way cool! The other notable girl is the innocent looking Czech blonde, Felicity, who looks fabulous in her little pink bikini. I'll take two of her, to go! ;)

What I Didn't Like: Girls that defy nature: I've said before that I don't mind fake tits if they are done well and don't look fake. However, most of the girls in this film are so obviously fake that they could get a job at a carnival freak show. First example: Shelbee Myne. She was one of my favorite starlets until she decided to get implants--massive ones. They look look like the nose cones on a missile--absolutely unnatural, even when covered by a bikini top. Next example: Envy. Her new boobs are so heavy that they swing away from her chest, and would probably fall off if they weren't attached. It's also pretty gross to see the scars on the undersides of each breast. Third example: C.J. Bennett. Aside from her bleached blonde butch hairdo and pimply butt, C.J. sports a pair of melon-sized rocks that have absolutely no range of motion. Then there's T.J. Hart, who has the most normal looking boob jobs, but they still don't hang well in doggy position and have nipple scars. Add Jessica Jewel to the long list of unattractive breasts in this video. But the one who takes the cake is over-the-hill stripper Elizabeth Starr. She looks like a younger version of the old lady in There's Something About Mary, but with like 10 more pounds of silicone stuffed in some week-old helium balloons. I know I sound completely harsh for complaining like this, but it's just a total turnoff to see such poor examples of cosmetic surgery.

The suburban homeboy lingo: The thing I hate the most about the Action Sports Sex series is the insistence that everyone sound like they're the boyz in the hood. Examples of Robby D.'s vocabulary: "Where you at?", "Duuude!", "Yo! Check it out!", "Man, look at dis!", "Fuckers were tearing that shit uuuuup", "Can you believe this shit?", and "Oh, (insert name), what are you doing?!?". Maybe I'm a little too far removed from today's youth, but I don't think anyone really talks like that, and if they do, I feel sorry for them.

Robby D's gonzo technique: The second scene was frustrating to watch since the action was on two different floors of the house, and Robby would run back and forth to film both threesomes. Duuuuude, get a second camera! Hell, some of the homeboys that were just spectators could have run a video camera. The result is what I call gonzo interruptus (GI), where the camera pulls out of the action just when it is getting interesting. Another example of GI is Robby's insistence on acting like the roving reporter during the sex scene. I really could care less what his friend sitting on the couch thinks about the performance, nor what the people walking onto the set have been up to, at least not while there's a couple fucking on the floor. It's an all-sex video, so I want to see what's relevant. Save the street interviews and play them over the credits or something!

DVD Extras: I noticed that Raw's side B package of extras has been updated! Now there's a new visual theme that replaces the familiar "theater lobby" interface. This time it's a futuristic, outer space, geometric design that's unusual (and somewhat difficult to navigate since you don't know where the hot spots are). There are eight video clips on this side, each more or less a complete scene from Vivid's library. Maybe it speaks to my disappointment of Action Sports Sex 5, but I think I actually enjoyed the side B more than I did the main feature. Again, it would have been nice if Vivid labeled each scene a la music video style. Also, I was hoping that they would have included newer preview trailers to complement the updated extras content, but it is the same Raw trailer package that they've been using for quite a while.

A/V Quality: Very solid for a gonzo; nothing to write home about, but nothing distracting either except for a couple video dropouts now and then. Maybe it's my imagination, but I think there are two different groups of people who master Vivid's DVDs, one set that does the Vivid feature films, and another that does the virtual sex and Raw titles. The difference is like night and day...

The Last Word: I know that there are some good reviews on this title out there, and I would have agreed with them, if it weren't for the distractions along the way. The action is hot to watch, the guys are well hung and can keep wood, and there are a couple of really cute girls in the mix. However, the video is almost completely ruined for me by Robby D's shooting style and the freaks of nature that make up most of the female cast. As an "all natural" fan, this video is my worst nightmare, and I can't recommend it to anyone.

Themes: Massively fake tits, homeboy talk, easy women, anal sex