'57 Pick-Up Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  6/30/2002

The only way straights like to screw gays is in their pocketbooks. So they’ve done it again by bringing out a 1988 gay porn flick entitled ’57 PICK-UP directed by a straight man that was a bummer then and is a bummer now. Age has not transformed it into a classic.

Just listening to the plot it sounds pretty good. Country boy Charlie Stone stereotypically dressed in bib overalls with no shirt and barefoot wants to go to Los Angeles for the weekend. He calls friend Cole Taylor to go along but Cole has to tend bar for the weekend. Dumbass Charlie tooling around in his beat up ’57 pick-up truck (hence the title) gets lost. He stops to ask another wisp of a yokel, Darryl Weld, directions. Daryll stops pitching hay and they head back to the barn for a map. Talking about how horny they both are, Daryll suggests that he and Charlie get it on as a cousin once taught him how. He sucks on Charlie’s cock and Charlie says he likes it, but his cock stays as limp as Liberace’s wrist. Daryl sucks and sucks, but Charlie gets no erection. Cut to Charlie putting his cock into Daryll. It still doesn’t look very hard so they must have opened Daryll up with a cucumber. It’s a bareback fuck but that doesn’t give heart to the scene.

Cole meanwhile has an unattractive customer. The establishing shot shows the outside of a bar with a neon sign. The inside of the bar is a kitchen table covered with a checkered tablecloth and few bottles. (That gives you some idea of the care taken with this turkey.) They suck one another and then Cole bottoms for his customer who wears a condom.

Charlie’s truck has overheated so he goes looking for water. He meets a hunter, Eric Manchester. Eric leads Charlie into the hills. Charlie tells Eric he wants to be fucked and Eric is willing to fuck him. BUT THEY DON’T DO IT. THE FUCK IS FAKED. Charlie even pretends to suck Eric’s schwang, but we don’t see it. Near the end we see Eric’s condom covered cock fucking someone, but it ain’t our Charlie boy.

Hungry, Charlie stops off at a burger joint where he strikes up a conversation with the once-ubiquitous porn performer, Cory Monroe. (It took me a while to recognize him because he had black hair and a mustache instead of being blond and smooth-shaven.) Charlie says he needs a shower before continuing into the city and Cory says that since his wife and kid are out of town Charlie can use his place. Of course, while Charlie is showering, Cory comes in and starts sucking cock. He suggests they go into a bedroom to finish, but not in his wife’s room because she will be able to smell it. (See! There’s that straight guy director again, thinking sex with men smells like sex between men and women.) So they go to the kid’s room where Charlie flops onto the little bed. Cory continues to suck, and Charlie briefly fucks Cory sans condom. (This scene is pretty sick with the camera cutting twice to the kid’s teddy bear with a sign I Love Daddy pasted on it.)

Charlie finally makes it into the city where he picks up a cute street kid, Robbie Most. They go to a motel, where Charlie gets sucked as usual. Robbie is such a cute piece that Charlie sucks on Robbie’s cock for all of five seconds. Robbie is then given a condomless fuck. (I’ve figured out why Charlie doesn’t use a condom and everyone else does. The director thinks that because Charlie’s straight he can’t carry the A.I.D.S virus. So the gays must wear condoms in this film, but straight Charlie doesn’t need to. Ah, that straight mentality of the 1980's!)

Charlie has promised Cole a souvenir so he takes him Robbie. As Cole is sucking Robbie, another cute young country lad, Tim Fox, appears and gets in on the action. Robbie fucks Cole while he is sucking Tim. (Wearing a condom, of course! BECAUSE HE'S GAY!)

See? It sounds pretty good doesn’t it? It’s when we get to the actual sex that the film falls flat. And that’s the whole reason for these films, isn’t it. But it’s what happens when a straight directs a gay film. It’s what would happen if I directed a lesbian film. The acting and dialogue would be pretty good, but when it got to the sex I would just shudder and say, “Okay let’s get this over with as quickly as possible.” And that’s what it’s like here. Unenjoyable sex, perfunctorily done, and over with as soon as possible.

Imagine having luscious slabs of prime beef and then cooking it by boiling and serving it with no seasoning. The ingredients are all here, folks. It’s just that the cook is lousy. Eat elsewhere.