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xengren's Movie Reviews

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Boxcover for Opening of Misty Beethoven, The
Opening of Misty Beethoven, The 

Release date: 1/29/2001
Reviewed on: 1/23/2004

Starring: Jamie Gillis, Constance Money, Gloria Leonard, Marlene Willoughby, Jaqueline Beudant, Jenny Baxter, Mary Stuart, Terry Hall
Studio: VCA

Directed by: Henry Paris
Review brief: What do you get when you mix Metzer, a classic play, two very hot actors, and a relatively big budget? You get the best porno movie ever made. Unfortunately, that's not saying very much since most porn movies are extremely bad and being the best of the worst isn't exactly a very good accomplishment. The largest problem with this movie is that the plot was razor thin and extremely fragmented. The flow of the story was continuously interrupted by needless scenes of blowjobs. (Way too many blowjobs in my opinion. Metzer is way too obsessed with blowjobs. The ratio of blowjobs to vaginal sex was something like 10 to 1.) He also liked to add in ridiculous dialogue to the ends of good scenes. I suppose his intention was to break the tension of sexual arousal with some comedy. (Mainstream movies do this all the time like when they add a comedy bit to an action sequence.) This device did not work for this movie because it ended up coming across as being stupid rather than funny which is funny since the play that this movie is based on is actually funny all the way through.
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Boxcover for Not Another Teen Porno
Not Another Teen Porno 

Release date: 9/25/2003
Reviewed on: 1/21/2004

Starring: Tony Tedeschi, Katie Gold, Nakita Kash, Jessica Darlin, Kody, Aurora Snow, Cassidey, Mia Starr, Sunrise Adams, Angel Long, Jesse V., Michelle Michaels
Studio: Vivid

Review brief: If you're a fan of quantity over quality, this is the video for you. Four mind-numbing hours of sex. Unfortunately, most of the girls are only mildly good looking and the sex is pure hardcore without any eroticism or chemistry. I could tell that 90 of the women in this movie were faking it. Only a few actually looked like they enjoyed the sex. The video was VHS quality and was mostly grainy. The audio..well this isn't a blockbuster movie so the audio was decent enough for a porno.
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