The Plot: Ah, plot! Acting! Dialogue! All the fun things that makes watching a finely crafted porn movie so enjoyable (apart from nut-busting sex). See how the cast of young professionals project their feelings through the fine art of acting… Marvel at the pieces of a complex plot snick together with the precision of a fine watch… Just do it somewhere else because you are not going to find it in this movie!
Our movie revolves around the receptionists at MatchMakers, Inc., a dating service. The lady receptionist strives to set up dates for the clients and wonders who the mysterious caller is who flatters her while she sits and sets up appointments. In particular, she sets up appointments for Sam and Chris. After chatting with the mailman, she turns over the desk to the gentleman who fucks the cleaning lady and incidentally sets up appointments, too. I need a job like this. During the afterglow, he accidentally confirms Sam and Chris for the wrong clients. So Chris will go to Sam’s intended rendezvous and vice versa. While time passes slowly, everyone prepares for his or her big night with the rent-a-date. This apparently involves at least two episodes of sex per location. I don’t know about you, but when I’m getting ready for a date, I usually don’t hop out of the shower and have sex with Plastic Passion Probes. It kind of ruins the purpose behind the shower, IMHO. Anyhow, the dates arrive at the wrong locations and instead of calling the office and setting everything in motion for a refund… they all have sex. Hey, if life hands you lemons… squeeze the juice on her tits and enjoy. The mailman drops by the office to deliver some mail (who would have thought?) and incidentally boffs the cleaning lady. Mental note: It appears that her purpose in this film is to fuck every guy who comes into orbit around the receptionist’s desk. Last but not least… our lovely receptionist finds out who has been calling her with the smooth voice and flattering words, and they have sex. Like you couldn’t see that coming.
This is a typical porn plot. I’ll bet you that I could name five other porn movies with essentially the same plot with a little research. The lines are delivered with a competence that ranges from okay to bad, and there is as about as much humor in here as a tetanus shot.
The Cast: Once again, the porno people have decided that either 1) I should know these people by sight, or 2) I don’t really care what their names are, I just want to see them fuck. Thanks to the DVD extras, I can tell you that Misty Rain, Tera Hart, Vanessa Chase, Shelby Stevens, Olivia, and Debi Diamond are in here. Tom Byron, Michael J. Cox, Tony Tedeschi, Ian Daniels and Gerry Pike wrap up the guys side. There is a “special appearance” by Summer Knight. Alas, this disc is so pitiful in the extras department, I can’t tell you for sure just who is screwing whom. There are no credits to speak of and the extras are worthless. I’m going to do my best to guess who everyone really is, but you’ll have to forgive me if I refer to people by their character, not their actual name. I will, however, tell you who looks good and who should be sent to the glue factory.
The Sex: After swapping receptionists, the replacement console jockey (Tom Byron) gets the cleaning lady’s attention. Considering that the cleaning lady is Tera Heart, you can imagine what sort of wonderous things happen when you have her complete and undivided attention. She knocks over a stack of referral cards and uses that as an excuse to get within striking distance. At that point, she’s got her hands in his crotch and you just know what’s going to happen next. To be honest, this scene starts off pretty well, with a short but nasty looking blowjob. She hops aboard for some cubicle love and it honestly looks like she’s having a good time. If I were going to have sex in my cubicle with the cleaning lady, I would hope that 1) her looks reach the level of Tera Heart, 2) she wears a satin bra and no underwear (you learn the neatest things about cleaning ladies in porn), and 3) she has as beautiful a pussy as this one. I give her high marks in the figure department, because she is a joy to look at. I can’t tell if the breasts are original equipment or not, but if they’re aftermarket they’re good ones. All in all, a good scene if you can get past the opening penetration. The editing style is a multitude of quick cuts and it is a little disorienting. Slightly above average, IMHO.
Next up is Vanessa Chase, playing the role of our first contestant... er, customer, Bobbi. In order to prepare for her date that evening, she has a little solo scene in the shower. Apparently everyone showers with the door or shower curtain open in California. Niiiiiiiice body! Natural breasts, tight ass, slim legs. Not a perfect body, but damn good. The solo scene in and of itself is really more of a tease than an actual sex scene. Yeah, she’s naked and playing with herself, but it doesn’t really build to anything. That and the editing choice of several slow pans across her body fading into each other really just serves as an appetizer to… after the shower! Once she gets a mysterious phone call like the receptionist did, she lies in bed and finishes what she started in the shower. She’s not alone, either, as she has a Pink Plastic Pal to help her out. I’ll say this right now, she damn near lost that dildo in the depths on more than one occasion. I’m not kidding, she took close to that entire thing inside of herself in one rush. She does actually finish in this part of the scene, but it’s not really an earth-shatterer. It’s more of a gentle play time type of scene and would almost be considered romantic if it wasn’t for the synthoporn in the background. I keep thinking the music belongs in a Nissan commercial. Granted, if Nissan used her to sell cars, their stock would skyrocket.
It seems like everyone is preparing for her big date. Two blonde and horny ladies get the call and discover that MatchMaker Inc. is going to be delivering that evening. She (once again, no name, we’ll call her Zena) removes the guy’s head that was in her crotch and makes him go turn down the music and pushes the other girl off her chest. Seems like an awful lot to give up for a phone call. Anyhow, she runs off camera to prepare for the date. In the meantime, her partner grabs the guy and spends some time screwing his brains out. He looks suspiciously like the servant from the other household, it must be the hair. Apparently she’s screwed his brains out before, because he says absolutely nothing for the entire scene. She has a very nice body, and some large, full breasts that most likely are artificial. To give some credit though, if they’re fake, they’re pretty well done as you can’t see any of the tell tale signs. Even during a doggie style portion, she has a leg up blocking your view. Alas, she commits porno offense #1, and leaves her socks on for the entire scene. She does a quite good reverse cowgirl here and the best part about the scene, in my opinion, is the cumshot at the end, as she doesn’t just take a load on the face, she gobbles his dick like a thirsty woman. Again, slightly above average for a porn scene. Just lose the socks, please!
This scene kind of flows into another scene (they’re on the same chapter) where the lucky lady (Zena) returns from getting ready for her date. Having freshly showered and changed clothes, she makes sure that she is clean and pristine for the upcoming event by having sex with her friend on the table. Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me, either. They both fondle for a bit then whip out the plastic pals for some solo action. It actually is a very interesting visual here, with both of them on a large dining room table, completely naked, working themselves up with their own dildos. Remind me never to eat at their house, you don’t know where that table has been. I don’t know who the lady who plays the role of Zena is, but she has a pair of ridiculously fake breasts. Ugh! We finish up with Bobbi (Vanessa Chase, remember her?) taking a bath and letting the water cascade onto her clit. This is a great way to finish up, as it is a very powerful visual. It doesn’t last very long, unfortunately.
Well, it’s time for the big date. Zena is making some snacks (peanut butter and olives on Saltine crackers. Ugh!) and seduces the guy (Tony Tedeschi) who wasn’t really supposed to be her date. This must be the Unwritten Porno Plot Law, Number 27: If you find that someone has mistakenly arrived at your house/apartment/trailer/office, you must have sex with them for their trouble. Actually, it isn’t an unwritten law, it’s been written into porno plots for ages. Her blonde friend from the previous scene watches from afar as these two bump pelvises. The first position really shows off her breasts, to the worst effect. Deflate those things already! They’re remarkably firm for their size, and they’re just beginning to show those annoying ripples that everyone hates. There is one position in particular, a reverse cowgirl, that looks ridiculous. She’s leaning way back, and you can see these hyper inflated melons sticking up left & right. Meanwhile, she’s got a stiff one inside of her. Overall the effect is like Mickey Mouse sucking on a straw. Despite all of this, the scene is okay. The slow motion from keeping everyone in time with the music is annoying, and the multiple cuts to whatshername watching in the distance places this scene slightly below average.
Well, it’s time for sexual redemption. Can this movie pull something special out of its hat in the second of the two dates? Fuckin’ A! Our blonde rent-a-date, “Sam”, shows up for her big date with “Bobbi”, and is met by the house servant. Now that everyone is nice and confused about gender, they all have sex. Remember that unwritten law? Right. I think the guy is Gerry Pike, but to wonder too much will start me bitching about the lack of proper credits on this DVD yet again. He has long dark hair and a very deep voice with an Australian accent, I think. I don't lean that way, but I admit this guy looks good. Sam is wearing a great leather number with a couple straps, buckles, gloves and a dog collar. Bobbi has on a flashy cocktail dress, which disappears inside of thirty seconds. Sam shows that she has an appetite as she lunges for the servant's dick like a great white shark on the Discovery Channel. My particular favorite is during a lovely reverse cowgirl with Bobbi riding on the dick of the hired help. Every now and then his dick pops out and Sam gives it a couple deep sucks and puts it back in. Damn, that looks like fun. Throw in a little anal, some strange positions, some hot wax and you have a pretty good scene. High marks for this scene. It would have been better with some decent music, but you can’t have everything. It finishes up in fine fashion, too, with a great & nasty cumshot.
Our next contestants are the mailman, Michael J. Cox and the cleaning lady from the first scene (Tera Heart, remember). This is actually done very well, and I have to reiterate, she has a gorgeous body. It starts with a romantic walk along the beach, some playful fun in a tattoo parlor (that's new for a first date), and various horsing around committing felonies when they start opening other people's mail. This leads into the part where they have sex, and it’s shot pretty well. Some great penetration shots, and everything is done in time with the music. They did switch off the sound of the actors, so all you have is the repetitive synthoporn. There are more long shots with both actors in the frame at the same time that look really good. Surprisingly, after her performance in the first scene, this one has no anal intercourse. Oh, and my hat is off to the director’s sense of humor. After Michael pulls out and cums on her ass (nice shot, BTW), we see him squeezing out the last few droplets… then he puts it back in and starts pumping away. They cut to another position and he pulls out and cums again. I guess the postman does always cum twice. (Rim shot)
Last up, we have both of the receptionists having sex in the office (one of which hasn’t been fucked yet, and you know this can’t be allowed to stand). I can see why she’s been saved for last, as she’s beautiful. Again, no credits, but I think it’s Misty Rain doing the honors here. She has nice, natural breasts, incredibly long legs and a great face. This one is quick as they forgo all the foreplay and launch right into a standing doggie style. Once again, there are some good wide angle shots showing the entirety of both performers (a good thing). They also have removed all of the sound from the actors. Considering how out of sync the moans were in the other scenes, this is also a good thing. The lighting gives a quiet blue cast to everything, and all that seeps from your speakers is a quiet synthoporn. This is an above average scene, but not by too much.
The Audio / Image: The music on this disc is mixed at your typical porn volume: too loud. It is louder than the dialogue on several occasions, and while it rarely drowns out what they are saying, you have to turn the volume up to an uncomfortable level in order to understand the words. The music itself is a little more hip that your bad 80s synthoporn, but that really makes it just bad 90s synthoporn. It is a little on the techno side, but nothing special. It certainly didn’t deserve the volume it got. One thing that I was not expecting is that it is in PCM stereo.
According to the DVD keep case, this was actually shot on 35mm film stock and then transferred to DVD. I personally think that more porn should be shot in this way, but only if they can do a better job on the transfer. The image sucks. All of it. There is some noticeable grain and dirt flecks that are prevalent throughout the movie. The image looks horrible. It appears that this is a problem with improper handling of the film during the transfer, because I could detect no mastering problems such as aliasing, pixelating or other signs of poor compression. I could detect a lot of dirt, flecks and the occasional thread. See the next paragraph for one final note on the audio.
Now, I must throw in an extra paragraph here to talk about shooting style. From a visual standpoint, this film is executed pretty well. There are two very obvious techniques at work throughout this movie. Several scenes feature a type of “porno flashback” where the character will be thinking of what they want to do to/with another character, and occasionally there is a flashback of what two (or more) people just did with each other at the end of the sex. I suppose this really is a credit to the editing that took place after filming, but it really is well done for a porn movie. During the sex scenes, there is a lot of jumping around and quick cuts to various views of the action. You may or may not like this. I admire it for the competence in editing a music video, but in porn it can really detract from a scene. In this film, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. In the first scene between the receptionist and the cleaning lady, it works (there is a particular part I really enjoyed with whatshername riding his cock as he sits in the chair. Every time she goes up, the camera shows her face and chest. On the downswing, it shows her sliding down his shaft. Repeat about seven times). The other technique is that the video is synced to the background synthoporn perfectly in several scenes. Depending on the beat of the music, the film speed has been adjusted so that the actors are right in time with the music. This also means that moans, groans, grunts, gasps and squeals are severely out of sync with the images. Really, this is going to come down to personal preference. You may like it or you may not. It’s definitely different than most porn.
The Extras: Nothing much in the extras department. A page with a list of the girls’ names, a page with boxcovers of some other titles, scene selection (without even a picture to help you out) and that’s it. Not even a trailer.
The Good: Different and possibly intriguing shooting style and a couple beautiful ladies. If you like guys with long hair, you are in serious luck.
The Bad: Image quality is sub-par, synthoporn is too loud, you may not like the video style and there is enough silicone in this movie to build a mainframe. Plus, the extras suck big hairy donkey dick.
Overall: Run, do not walk, away from this disc. It’s not worth it unless you can pick it up cheap, and even then I would be hard-pressed to justify it.
I would like to thank Ultradamno for his assistance in identifying Vanessa Chase and Tera Heart.
Note: If you can identify the actual actresses in these scenes, please contact me and I will edit this review to reflect that information