Let's be honest with each other. Virtual sex is another term for jerking off. As a very young man I had a poster of Pia Zadora on my bedroom wall (see, I meant that part about being honest with each other), but no matter how intensely I focused my gaze the dimutive almost-sexpot, my penis never made it any more than a hand's length closer to actually making contact with the real thing. And trust me, I've got a dangerously vivid imagination. Despite their prominence on store shelves--real or electronic--the virtual sex DVD technology doesn't make the sexual experience much more real than my Pia Zadora fantasy, and it hasn't progressed much beyond the porn video equivalent of one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books you might have read as a kid (If Sasha licks your balls now, turn to page 32; flip to page 41 if you decide to discreetly slip a finger in her ass).
If you accept the idea that the format has problems, and you can live with that, then the only questions to ask seem to be 1) Is it at least competently made; and 2) Is the girl at the center of the action worth the attention? In the case of Total Interactive Control of Sasha Grey, the answer to both questions is yes. It's shot and engineered quite well, and there are few girls on the planet who are as intensely sexual as its star. In a way, a video like this is review proof. But if you have other questions you want to ask, then I'll do my best to answer them.
For just over seven years, I've lived in a hole in the ground. What is this "interactive dvd format" of which you speak? And how is President Gore doing?
The format is for people who have a real easy time pretending that things that aren't true are true. Like say, Scientologists. Basically, you use your remote to choose menu options that reward you with a first person POV shot of your favorite porn star doing your favorite sexual act. It's a good idea that doesn't often play out as well as you hope. And coming up short of your expectations is something President Gore could tell you all about.
You say these things don't often turn out as well as you hope. I'm hoping this one makes me cum so hard my spleen falls out the end of my urethra. How well will I be satisfied?
I really wish I could tell you this is everything you could ever wish for, but it falls short. And it's not because it's amateurish; it's quite professional on almost every level. And it's not because Sasha Grey doesn't have the goods; she is among the sexiest of God's creations. It falls short of delivering the goods because the format requires the performers to fuck like robots. In fact, in the behind the scenes feature, James Deen complains that it all feels too mechanical. If the people who are doing the fucking aren't into it, then how are the people doing the watching supposed to feel?
Sasha Grey is such a crazy bitch. There can't possibly be anything robotic about her.
Again, I blame the format. They have a revved up, animalistic self-proclaimed fuck junkie on the set, but the format requires her to passively take a slow rhythmic dicking. The only part of her that's allowed to move is her mouth, which I admit is still capable of spouting the most creative of all dirty talk. But instructing Sasha to cut the spontaneity is like telling a young Muhammad Ali to be quiet and stop hitting so hard.
There ain't nothing that can be done about her filthy mouth, nor should there. Am I correct in guessing that she lets the vulgar verbiage flow?
DVDs of this nature allow for sexy and slutty variations of all their action. So, if you want the girl next door type of feel, you opt for the tame Sasha. If you like your fantasy a little more ribald, then you put her in slutty mode. But here's the thing, the only way Sasha Grey could be the girl next door is if you lived next to Georges Bataille's imagination. She really doesn't know how to dial it down. It's almost cute to watch her try. During the oral sex segment, I had her set on the sexy and demure mode and she starts right away asking, "You want me to slowly stuff your cock down my fucking throat?" Slowly! See, just so long as you take your time shoving your cock down her God forsaken gullet, you're doing it romantically. That must have been the way my father shoved it down my mother's throat on their wedding night, because they love each other a lot.
Surely, there's got to be something here to get me off. I mean, she's Sasha Grey and as I've already said, I've spent the last seven years living in a hole.
OK, I'll tell you what this thing has on it, and you make up your mind if it'll get you off. You get the missionary position, doggie, and cowgirl all in vaginal and anal varieties. You get her in various slutty outfits; you can watch her masturbate in several ways. She sucks cock. She gets it on with another girl, and they suck cock at the same time. She does a few strip teases, too. And you can watch all that in different angles. Is that what you were looking for?
That sounds really good to me, actually. But I also like it when a girl's vagina is treated like the hashbrowns at Waffle House: scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, diced, peppered and jacked off on.
Remind me not to eat at the Waffle House where you live. I don't know if you see anything done to her body that you'd expect to see on a freak show's short order griddle, but all the cum shots are with real, honest to goodness ejaculate, so you might enjoy that.
Since this is all about fantasy, do you feel like Total Interactive Control of Sasha Grey approximated your fantasies of her?
While I do have an active imagination, I'm also a realist. Enough of one to know that any real life sexual encounter between me and Sasha Grey would likely go in one of two different ways. In the first, I prematurely ejaculate while fumbling with the wrapper on my condom. And in the second, I move in to kiss her, but she clubs me in the face with a clock radio, then urinates on me as I blindly feel along the carpet for my car keys. In both scenarios, I end up sobbing at the end of the night in an empty bath tub, but at least in the first one I get to cum. So, let's keep our fingers crossed for that.
How about extras. Is there any free porn included on this disc.
There's actually a whole second disc filled with free porn. In addition to the photo gallery, collection of trailers and short behind the scenes feature, you get four full length Sasha Grey scenes from Illegal Ass 2, Teenage Heartbreakers, Head Case 2 and All Alone 2. Anytime I get extra porn I'm as excited as when I get one of those stick-on tattoos in a box of Cracker Jacks. The stick-on tattoos, by the way, totally rule.
Now that we're at the end, be like Doogie Howser and wrap all this up by telling us what you've learned.
OK, thanks to this DVD, I have learned the following: