The gist: I have a soft spot for porn features "ripped from today's headlines." I'm also partial to movies with sports themes, with the immortal "Face Jam" -- Kylie Ireland's true tale of her tryst with Michael Jordan -- being one of my favorites from both genres. You might think that a rape case wouldn't be the ideal subject for light parody, but this is Hustler. They don't back away from anything.
The plot: "Tobey Bryan" (Dwayne Cummings) is in a small town for shoulder surgery. L.A. Shakers owner Gary Gus (Kyle Stone) warns him to stay away from the local women. You might be able to guess how that works out.
The play-by-play: Kate Kaptive (aka Mary Kate Ashley) sees a limo in the parking lot of the hotel where Tobey is staying, and she's so impressed that she's willing to fuck whoever it belongs to, even Kyle Stone. She gives him head in a sexy blue dress before getting naked to climb aboard for reverse cowgirl. Limo sex doesn't give you a lot of options, I suppose, so we just switch back and forth between genital closeups and a dutched wide shot. There's only one position, and it's pretty monotonous. Then we get prolonged jerking to the pop, which is intended to be a facial but is more of a "shoulder-al." If any did land on her face, we certainly can't see it from the lone angle it's shot from: looking straight at the top of her head.
During some locker room chatter, Julian St. Jox tells a story of about he and Sean Michaels (star of the aforementioned Face Jam) finding two girls in a gym for some two-on-two. Maya Mason and Capri aren't really WNBA material, but they are willing to get some floor burns. The positions go in tandem: Both girls give blowjobs, then both start in mish, then both take heavily lubricated doggie anals, with Maya's being much more energetic. The scene is very disjointed, and I suspect they had trouble getting all the performers going at once. After some side-by-side reverse cowgirl anal, the ladies put their heads together for very minor pops.
Hotel employee Allison Whyte is determined to do one of the Shakers, so she sneaks into the practice facility they're using. She makes her way into the shower and starts soaping up her lovely freckled body, and before long, Trevor shows up to join her. After a brief blowjob under the shower, they move to a bench in the locker room for mish, doggie anal, a little sideways anal and a pop on her right tit. It's a better scene than what has come before, but hardly a scorcher.
Later that night, Allison rushes to the hotel to tell front-desk girl Keiko about her encounter, but instead she decides to initiate a girl-girl scene on a luggage cart in the middle of the lobby. The usual licking and moaning ensues. Hey, look, the shopping bag on the luggage cart just happens to contain a big black double-ended dildo -- how convenient. As they're going butt-to-butt, the phone rings. It seems Tobey would like a massage.
Keiko decides to handle those duties herself. She doesn't limit herself to rubbing down his shoulder, however. Her clothes slowly come off during the blowjob, and when she's naked they start in cowgirl. Mish follows, then doggie anal with one cute winking gape (though it is looped in twice). After some reverse cowgirl anal, Keiko jerks him to a vertical pop that ends up more on him than on her.
The next morning, he wakes up to answer the door, and Gary Gus says, "We have a problem." The End.
Pros: The female cast is pretty attractive.
Cons: The plot is pretty mailed-in. Not much of it has anything to do with the purported topic, which is understandable, but all we get otherwise is lame two-line setups. Except for the stupid basketball game before the four-way, which takes fucking forever.
The production is generally amateurish. The sets are cheesy as hell. And in Keiko's seduction scene with Dwayne Cummings, the audio editing is laughable. We get some bad Casio-keyboard-type music while Dwayne gets his rubdown, which abruptly stops when Keiko delivers a line. Then the music starts back up from the beginning, only to be cut off so we can hear two more stupid lines. Then as the sex starts, the music starts over. The whole rhythm of all that is so bad you can't help but groan at it.
DVD extras: Not too much. A photo gallery, some trailers, a mostly forgettable 12-minute behind-the-scenes segment, and some Kobe Bryant-themed cartoons and parody ads, presumably from the pages of Hustler. Only one was legitimately funny.
The verdict: I'm guessing that anyone picking this title up is looking for a little topical humor, some satire, something Kobe-related to set it apart from every other dumb porn movie. No such luck. With a world of porn out there, I can't give you a reason to want to see this.
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