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This Ain't The Expendables XXX

Studio: Hustler
Category:  Feature film
Directed by:
Starring: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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astroknight's ratings for This Ain't The Expendables XXX:
Overall Rating 3 stars
This Ain't The Expendables XXX overall rating 3 stars
Female Looks This Ain't The Expendables XXX Female looks rating 3.5 stars
Male Looks This Ain't The Expendables XXX Male looks rating 3.5 stars
Sex This Ain't The Expendables XXX Sex rating 3 stars
 
Plot/Acting This Ain't The Expendables XXX Plot/Acting rating 2.5 stars
Extras This Ain't The Expendables XXX DVD Extras rating 3.5 stars
Audio/Video Quality This Ain't The Expendables XXX A/V Quality rating 4 stars
Worth$10.00
Rating Scale
Reviewed by astroknight  on  1/29/2013

Running Time: 98 min.

Production Date: None given

Director: Axel Braun

Cast: Ana Foxx, Andy San Dimas, Brooklyn Lee, Jessie Andrews, Kimberly Kane, London Keyes, Lyla Storm, Alec Knight, Billy Glide, Brendon Miller, Derrick Pierce, and Ryan Driller in sexual roles with Kylie Ireland, Tera Patrick, and more in non-sex roles

Audio /Video Quality: The technical aspects are nicely done, which is no surprise with a director as skilled as Axel Braun behind the camera. The audio is clear and well balanced, and I didn't notice a single background noise. The video is also nicely done. There is very nice care put towards the lighting as well as a clear picture and smooth camera work. There is also a 3D Anaglyph DVD included, along with the red / blue glasses that let you watch the movie in 3D. The 3D presentation isn't bad, and it is kind of cool to watch some of the sex in 3D, but presentations with the colors as messed up as they get with the glasses like this always mess with my eyes so I couldn't take too much of it.

The Movie: A few years ago Sylvester Stallone put together an all star cast of action stars for a story about a group of mercenaries sent to take out a dictator on a remote island. Here, Axel Braun has put together an all star cast of porn stars to dress up like mercenaries and fuck.

Scene 1 – Brooklyn Lee and Billy Glide

When Brooklyn returns after a mission and goes to see her man Billy, they go from fighting to fucking when she sees a hickey on his neck. He takes her over his knee to spank her and kisses her before she moves down to mouth his manhood. Brooklyn rides Billy reverse cowgirl style before hopping off to suck and stroke him a little more. They continue to work in plenty of oral action for each other as Brooklyn rides Billy cowgirl style and lets him fuck her missionary and doggie style. Finally Brooklyn gets down for a nice facial finish.



Scene 2 – Andy San Dimas and Jessie Andrews

Andy heads above the tattoo studio to have a little fun with extra cute Jessie while some of the others get drunk downstairs. They quickly start kissing and stripping each other down so Andy can go after Jessie's tits before laying back on the couch so Jessie can eat her box. Jessie gets on all fours for Andy to tongue her holes in return before they sixty-nine. Andy lays back for Jessie to eat her in return before reciprocating on Jessie as she lays back on the couch. Finally Andy comes up to give Jessie a few soft kisses.



Scene 3 – Kimberly Kane and Derrick Pierce

Kimberly drops to her knees to close the deal with Derrick. She gives him some nice eyes as she gobbles his knob with the camera capturing it POV style. She takes a break to open up her top and makes sure to work in a bit of titty fucking as well as some throat action. Kimberly also works in some nice attention for Derrick's balls before taking a nice load on her face.



Scene 4 – Lyla Storm, Alec Knight, and Brendon Miller

Lyla agrees to tell Alec and Brendon everything she knows about the mercenaries if they agree to help her a bit in return. She has them pull down her top for them to suck her tits and kiss her with a bit of pussy play mixed in. Lyla moves on to eagerly suck and stroke her way between the guys before Brendon drops down to eat her with a bit more finger play worked in. They move her to a table where Alec eats her and fucks her bow and arrow style while she sucks Brendon before turning around to suck Alec clean as Brendon takes her from behind. Lyla continues to take a cock at each end letting Alec spoon her and riding Brendon cowgirl style before moving down to take a nice double facial finish.



Scene 5 – Ana Foxxx, London Keyes, and Ryan Driller

When the others head out, Ana and London stay back to get busy with Ryan. They share a quick kiss before London drops down to suck his cock. Ana drops down to take over as soon as she goes up to kiss him again, and is back down to help suck and stroke Ryan just as quickly. London lays back in a chair for Ryan to fuck her missionary style as Ana sits back and plays with herself in another chair before Ana gets in the middle for Ryan to take her from behind as she plays with London from behind and kisses her a bit. Ana also rides Ryan cowgirl style as London sits on his face before he sprays his load between Ana's face and London's tits where Ana eagerly licks up his cum.



This Ain't the Expendables XXX is a parody that just can't live up to the original. I'll give Braun and Hustler a lot of credit for taking this one on, and I really do love how they brought a cast like this together to take on the original. The problem is that the movie is just too short with a plot that's beyond light even by porn standards. If one hasn't watched the original The Expendables movie the plot is going to see more than laughable here, and the only real highlight for me was the Tera Patrick appearance at the job offer. Derrick Pierce does a great job channeling Bruce Willis' “Church” character, and Kimberly Kane and Tera Patrick trade barbs as nicely as Stallone and Schwarzenegger did in the original. Beyond that, the story portion of the movie barely even works to set up the sex scenes and seems like it could be completely written out on the back of a matchbook while leaving room to write two or three sequels of equal length. I know I'm probably being unrealistic with this being a porno, but I did have some hope for a few decent action sequences due to the care and meticulous nature Axel Braun is known for behind the camera. Instead the one action sequence was beyond laughable. I've seen seven year old kids running around playing cops and robbers with their fingers as guns pretending to shoot in a more realistic manner than the cast here.

Thankfully the sex is pretty decent. I'll admit that I would have loved to have seen Tera and Kimberly's verbal sparring go over a double blowjob for Derrick and for an orgy with the full “Expendables” crew back at the hangout, but what's here is pretty good. Brooklyn starts things out with a very nice bang for Billy, and the lesbian scene between Andy and Jessie is one of the best scenes in the movie. Kimberly gave a nice hummer for Derrick, but it left a bit to be desired for me because the camera often seemed to be aimed just a little too far forward and made for a horrible phantom cock appearance. Lyla did a very nice job taking on Brendon and Alec (who were hilarious as the evil henchmen) and the final threesome between London, Ana, and Ryan worked pretty well for barely having any interaction between the girls. This Ain't the Expendables XXX may have a great cast, but it chops down the original to the point that it's just not that satisfying of an adult feature.

The Extras: Trailers are included for five other Hustler parodies. The photo gallery for the main feature lasts about eight and a half minutes with a behind the scenes featurette also lasting about two and a quarter minutes. There's also a behind the scenes featurette, cumshot recaps, and commercials.

The behind the scenes featurette lasts about thirty five minutes. Tera Patrick starts out talking about her love of action movies, getting her ass kicked in a fight, and being willing to try most anything once. She talks about drawing back now that she's a mom and coming back due to her love of the movie and working with Axel. She even shows off her geek side talking about her love of comic books and martial arts in addition to loving Axel's attention to detail on set before posing for stills. Derrick talks about how his talent is wasted with a blowjob scene and shares a laugh about it with Kimberly Kane in the makeup chair before she chats about her role in the movie, confesses her love of Steven Seagal, and preferring quieter, cerebral fare to action movies. London chats about not liking loud noises, preferring scary movies to action movies, doing a lot of traveling, skydiving, and wanting to bang Wolverine. Ana talks about being the black person in the movie, being an action girl, sex with Mr. Fantastic and in public, as well as sex in the movie. Brooklyn talks about knives, action movies, being “Best New Starlet”, and being an equal penis lover. Kylie talks about her role, being an action star, and fights. Andy talks about her role in the movie, her tattoo regret, and how fake Mickey Rourke's tattooing looked in the original movie. She also talks about some of her background and laughing at Axel. This is a nice behind the scenes featurette. You get plenty of personality from the stars as well as a few laughs, and it actually leaves the featurette with more depth than the original movie. This is a nice addition to the overall release.

Condom Usage: None

Final Thoughts: Rent it.

Note to Hustler: You have one of the best parody directors out there with Axel Braun. I hope you can give him the budget and resources he needs to do big parodies like this right in the future and focus on the movie first and gimmicks like 3D second.

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