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This Ain't The Expendables XXX

Studio: Hustler
Category:  Feature film
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Starring: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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bono-ONE's ratings for This Ain't The Expendables XXX:
Overall Rating 3.5 stars
This Ain't The Expendables XXX overall rating 3.5 stars
Female Looks This Ain't The Expendables XXX Female looks rating 4.5 stars
Male Looks This Ain't The Expendables XXX Male looks rating 3 stars
Sex This Ain't The Expendables XXX Sex rating 4 stars
 
Plot/Acting This Ain't The Expendables XXX Plot/Acting rating 3.5 stars
Extras This Ain't The Expendables XXX DVD Extras rating 3.5 stars
Audio/Video Quality This Ain't The Expendables XXX A/V Quality rating 4.5 stars
Worth$16.00
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Reviewed by bono-ONE  on  10/27/2012
Welcome fans to a parody film from director Axel Braun and he is taking on the recent Sly Stallone flick The Expendables which just had its sequel come out this past summer. Axel has made one major change for his version and that is making all those male characters females much like what was done in the Reservoir Dogs parody that came out a couple years back. A pretty good cast here too with Kimberly Kane and Brooklyn Lee getting the major roles playing the Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham characters respectively. This Hustler film also comes as a two disc set with one being a regular or 2D version and the other is in 3D. I must confess to not being a huge fan of 3D or at least porn 3D as I don't like wearing those glasses over my glasses, lol. The running times are slightly different too with the 3D version about a minute less so not sure what was cut out from it, I'm sure you won't know either! I was curious about this movie when I heard it was coming out as I did enjoy the Sly version, it's an ultimate guy flick for sure so how will this one be using women in those roles. Also in this version we get a couple cameos with Tera Patrick appearing in an adult feature for the first time since 2006 and she gets Arnolds brief role. Kylie Ireland plays the Dolph Lundgren character here but the role is reduced so much from the Hollywood version it might as well have been a cameo. Filling out the cast you have London Keyes in the Jet Li role, Ana Fox playing the Terry Crews character and Andy San Dimas gets to channel her inner Mickey Rourke. This movie felt almost like an All Spiegler girls flick as we had Jessie Andrews also appearing and she has sex with Andy in the second scene but I don't want to rush ahead to far.

This parody begins with the crew back in the states after that mission which led off the real movie so we don't really get a visual context for all the apprehension expressed towards Kylie's character who we know by watching the Sly version is very unpredictable and violent. Kylie gets sent packing leaving behind the giant knife she loves but she gives it to Kimberly instead of Brooklyn who is the Jason Statham character here so a difference right there with the real movie.

Sticking with Brooklyn we get our first sex scene when she decides to go and pay a visit to her man Billy Glide who we learn she hasn't seen in a month-- being a merc does tend to keep one away from the homestead for extended periods of time. So arriving at his place and finding a tell tale mark on his neck she explodes at him but the two quickly turn the argument into an excuse to fuck one another on the couch. Not a bad scene for Brooklyn sex wise but she doesn't do anal though she takes a good facial pop to end it. I was a little curious with how she was dressed. Jason was a jeans and t shirt kind of guy in the Expendables from what I remember. A small quibble perhaps but it was good to see Brooklyn in action again. The movie returns to the garage/ tattoo parlor where Andy returns with a girl in tow, she's not entirely sure of her new friends name. Kimberly and Brooklyn are there getting drunk and yell/ howl at Andy as she takes Jessie Andrews upstairs for a pretty good g/g scene though it was short I thought. Andy does some nice ass licking and the two engage in a cool 69 too before it ends, again a bit shorter than what you might be used to in a g/g. No toys which I appreciated.

Axel crafted the story for this based on the movie and he does hit a few memorable scenes from the movie in this show including the scene in the church where Kimberly shows up to possibly pick up a gig for her band of misfits. Derrick Pierce gets the Bruce Willis role which is quite good in the Sly version and who shows up as the Arnold character but Tera Patrick-- great choice I thought though what was with her whipping the hair around in the air- does that a couple of times. So Kimberly gets the gig but she quips to Derrick that she won't fuck him but there might be a different way for them to seal the deal so she drops down and works his cock out. This turns out to be only a blow job but it is an extended one mostly in a POV shot but also with a view slightly off to the side of his right thigh fixed tightly on Kimberly's face. In the BTS both Derrick and Kimberly talk about this only a being a bj scene and that's to bad because Kimberly fucks pretty good I think and Derrick laments about this happening again with him and Axel, only getting a bj scene. Kimberly does receive a facial and offers up some clean up.

Now there are parts of the Expendables story line that Axel does omit perhaps due to budget or he just didn't feel it was necessary to furthering the story in regards to the parody. They dump the whole portion of Sly and Jason going to the island to scout it out and where they meet Sandra for the first time. This parody also largely omits the violence which was so strong in the Expendables and helped make it an ultimate guy flick. This may or may not dampen your enjoyment of said parody. Now having mentioned the lack of the first island segment we do eventually get there and meet Sandra who has been captured and being held/ guarded by two henchman of presumably the Eric Roberts character though we haven't seen this person yet. Now the two guys guarding Sandra who is played by Lyla Storm are Brendon Miller who I'm used to seeing in a Wicked pictures movie and Alec Knight. For some reason the two men are wearing towels wrapped around their heads which had me puzzled. Aren't these guys mercs too and would more likely be wearing military fatigue style clothing as opposed to what they had on here. Anyway the two men have fun teasing Sandra who finally says WTF and allows the men to fuck her. This actually was among the better sex scenes of this movie. Some strong head from Lyla to both men who then take turns fucking her leading to the two unloading to her face. Sadly this doesn't lead to her release as they bind her wrists back to the chair though they do leave her naked!

The story then takes us to the Generals office and this is the only time we actually see this character who the team in Sly's version was sent to overthrow but in this parody that was pretty much entirely glossed over. Not sure at first who the female was but deduced she was the Eric Roberts character and someone named 2-Ply plays her, sadly we don't ever see the Stone Cold Steve Austin role appear at all in this version. The two have a disagreement over the treatment of his daughter, we can guess he doesn't know about Lyla fucking her captors. The argument ends up with the Eric Roberts character pulling a gun pressing it to his face, she wins! Time for the only action part of this show as the team finally shows up on the island and the guns start shooting and this wasn't bad. We see Ana Foxxx firing away and another sad part of this parody was the lack of depth to her character who in Sly's movie had the big gun that just tore people apart when the bullets hit. So everyone fires away for a short time leading to the Eric Roberts character coming out with Lyla in her arm and a gun pointed to her head in the other. A short stand off occurs leading to Kimberly knocking 2-PLY out. We've seen in the dialogue between scenes that Kimberly has developed a thing for Lyla and even kisses her here but then Kimberly gets dissed when offering to come back some day for Lyla who quips Why? Ouch!!!

So not sure you can call that a happy ending for Kimberly but the team has survived and congregates back at the garage where Kimberly arrives bearing a gift in the form of Ryan Driller who is sans shirt as they come in. Everyone likes what they see here but it turns into just a two on one scene with Brooklyn and Kimberly taking their leave. So this lets London Keyes and Ana Foxxx have their sex scene and the two have some fun with Ryan here each getting to suck and fuck him. The pop is fired to London's rather impressive rack and Ana does a nice job kissing around the cum covered boobs as we close this show.

I have to say this parody wasn't one of Axel's better ones that I've seen. I think taking out the violence which was such a part of the Expendables appeal was a miss and not going a little deeper into the individual characters was also a miss especially Kylie who did return in that final scene but you got nothing of the conflict that happened with the Jet Li character or Dolphs violent streak. We also missed the Terry Crews character showing off that massive gun which was so cool when fired in the movie. I did like the Tera Patrick cameo because she had been gone from adult for a few years much like Arnold had been gone from the Hollywood scene being the Governator when he made his brief appearance in the Expendables. So overall a decent parody and perhaps it was the budget that prevented Axel from doing more to resemble the film he was trying to parody. The cast was fine and the sex was solid though it sucked to only have Kimberly Kane, the main character, Sly Stallone, only get a bj. I wouldn't mind a sequel because I would like to give Axel another chance to capture this movie and this time don't skimp on the violence. The Expendables is a violent movie and that was a huge appeal for why it was successful and that was largely missing here. I'd give Kylie a much bigger role in the next one and of course you have to let Kimberly Kane actually fuck this time. Not sure if Tera would return though it was be cool to have her back, Derrick Pierce too and then who'd play Chuck Norris!!! So an Expendables II parody might be pretty good if they put a little bit more balls into the story. I have hopes, we shall just have to wait and see.



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