In a Word
I was a big Biohazard fan way back, and had to get this just to check out Evan Seinfeld as a porn star. I won’t be doing it again.
Scene 1: Teagan
Things start out well, with Evan playing the role of an MTV vj inviting guests onto his couch for interviews. As his first guest, Teagan shows up wearing a black, leather studded top and skirt, looking pretty hot. There are a lot of jump cuts during her interview, with the “Rockstarpimp” logo spliced in between (this shameless self-promotion gets old fast). She’s got a nice, tight body, but her fake boobs are a real turn-off for me.
For the sex, Teagan has stripped down to a red bra below her breasts and big black boots. She and Evan do just about every vaginal position imaginable together, and there’s lots of gagging during the BJ’s and some pretty exaggerated noises. Evan’s rough with her, choking and slapping her throughout, and even spitting into her mouth (yuck!). At one point, when Evan is forcing his cock down her throat while she’s upside-down, she cries out, “please, no more.” In the end, he shoots a big load onto her face, in keeping with the “100% Facials” advertised on the back cover, before giving her a (totally stupid) “cockfold” (putting his cock over her eyes like a blindfold).
Britney comes into the room wearing a pink polka-dot bikini, and tells a story about how she had anal sex with her best friend’s father when she was a teenager. (Teagan talked about getting fucked in the ass a few times, too, but there will be no anal in this film.) Like Teagan, Britney has implants, a shaved cunt, and a tight body.
Britney is totally naked for the sex, which again features Evan spitting into the woman’s mouth and plenty of deep throating and gagging during the BJs. At one point, he fingers her ass a bit while she’s sucking him, and then she does it herself (which I have to admit is pretty hot). They do a wide array of positions, and then we end once again with Evan jerking off on her face.
For me, Lexi Belle (who arrives wearing black lingerie) is by far the best looking girl so far, with her sweet voice, pale skin, natural perky breasts, and rounder figure. Evan seems to feel the same way, as he appears to give her a lot more attention than to Teagan and Britney, licking and kissing her from the get go. She can really move, too, and we get some nice shots of her doing reverse cowgirl.
Then, when Evan’s pounding her in the missionary position with her legs behind her head, he pulls out and slaps her cunt really hard. It obviously hurts her, and she seems scared. This unwarranted brutality killed whatever the scene had going for me, even though Lexi looks hot while her belly jiggles during doggy (she even lets out a little queef). We get to see the pink tattoo on her upper back while she’s doing cowgirl, but then there’s an annoying cut when Evan starts giving her oral. After a few more positions, Evan jerks off on her face and we move on to the next scene.
Wow. What a girl! Whereas Evan had his way with the three women up to this point, Madison shows him that she’s the boss. She’s only 19, and begins wearing (rather unattractive) childlike underwear. She’s got a great set of tiny tits, though, but says she’s going to get fake ones someday. (Please, Madison, keep them natural!) Perhaps unlike some of the others on this DVD, she’s a true blond, with a bit of soft blond stubble around her cunt; she’s also got a cute mole near her butt.
Throughout the scene, Madison is laughing and giggling, and does a great job looking at the camera at just the right moments. She’s clearly in control, and not phased at all by Evan (who, I should mention, had the decency to put on a shirt and some sunglasses for this scene, so that he no longer distracts us from the girl). When she gives him BJs, she has this interesting way of arching her back and moving her whole torso, as if she’s swimming. She’s got a really tight cunt, and her lips cling to Evan’s cock for some great penetration shots. (She also lets out quite a few queefs and pops—especially during doggy—which is just sexy as hell!).
When they’re doing cowgirl, Evan sticks a finger in her ass and then she takes over, obviously enjoying herself. For the cumshot, Madison jerks Evan’s cock with the head resting near her open mouth, looking up at him with those great brown eyes. I really wish she would finish him off herself, but Evan insists on jerking off himself and cumming on her face so that she can’t open her eyes.
After the remarkable similarity between Teagan and Britney, here we get yet another style of blond, which adds some nice variety to the package. Jade has a rather plump, natural body, with curves, pale skin, and a landing strip above her pussy. She wears a pink, netted dress throughout the scene, along with a lot of makeup.
Jade sucks Evan’s balls while giving him a BJ, and then he starts slapping her face with his cock. Evan puts clothespins on her nipples at one point, and by the time we get to the cumshot, Jade’s makeup is all smeared. Evan actually cums in her mouth (surprise!), and we get a shot of Jade’s cum-covered tongue before the scene fades out.
The menu is pretty cool, with rock music blasting and concert footage in the background, and the opening credits are just awesome. There are no real extras, however,
All in all, I was pretty disappointed in this film. For one, each scene follows the same format, with an interview, solo, oral, and then a wide array of positions mixed in with more oral until the final facial cumshot. When you add to that Evan’s flabby, heavily tattooed body and lack of respect for the women, you end up with a product that’s difficult to watch at times.
Still, if you like blonds, Smokin’ Hot Blondes features a few different types, from the tight, tanned, breast-enhanced bodies of Teagan and Britney to the perfect curves of Lexi and the Lolita-charm of Madison. And Madison Scott puts in a great performance. I really hope she goes far: she’s got tremendous energy, and if I can think of plenty of scenes I’d like to see her in.