“Return of the Cheerleader Nurses” is a sad, ultimately uplifting little drama about a man devastated by the theft of his prized baseball card collection. He cries, he mopes, he prays, and somehow all this self-pity pays off: his collection is returned to him intact. No wonder porn is for adults: what kind of message would this send to our kids?
“Return of the Cheerleader Nurses” is also a spooky ghost story. Or something. At any rate, there’s a guy who literally disappears at the end. I don’t know why. Maybe I missed something.
And, as if all that weren’t enough, “Return of the Cheerleader Nurses” is about the randy students and staff of the Burton Allen Institute of Nursing, Air Hostessing, Cheerleading, Culinary Arts, Exotic Dancing, Massage, Super Runway Modeling, and Car Wash Management, etc.
I’m no artist and I can’t draw worth a damn, but I hope I’ve painted a picture for you: this entire movie is as scatterbrained as the vocational offerings of the Burton Allen Institute.
And the sex isn’t much better. After a lengthy reprisal of the first film, featuring snippets of sex scenes that are too short to produce much excitement, it gets underway with a couple of original scenes that are themselves rather short and unimpressive. Mixed in throughout are fillers that serve little purpose, like a girl/girl segment that begins and ends with the surgically gloved finger of one girl being inserted into the ass of the other. And then there’s the concluding all-girl orgy that contains a lot of anal activity and the highest proportion of masturbation I’ve ever witnessed in an orgy scene.
What’s left? Two scenes in the middle of the film is all: an exercise in self-love performed by Debi Diamond and a fairly short but effective boy/girl coupling featuring an enthusiastic Rebecca Bardoux and porn veteran Joey Silvera. Debi’s scene starts well—I like watching an attractive girl finger herself—but fizzles at the end: she starts with a butt-plug/dildo double-penetration combo that is well shot, but screws herself into an unappealing position (which is filmed from a bad angle) to finish off with a vibe/dildo tandem.
In porn, the idea’s the easy part, and writer Jim Holliday was full of ideas the hour he wrote this picture. But he should have stuck to the Burton Allen Institute. Silly as it is, it could have made for a funny, sexy film. Instead, the only thing he got right was the prevailing attitude of the performers, which is lighthearted and fun.
Even the credits are screwy. Holliday is credited once as director and once as associate to Bionca. Bionca directed the first film in the series. Shouldn’t Holliday have been her assistant? Who knows? Who cares?
At the end of the day, you’d be well advised to remember this. “Return of the Cheerleader Nurses” was made in 1994. Now almost a decade later, there never has been a “Cheerleader Nurses 3.” Something tells me that isn’t because Jim Holliday and Bionca felt they’d exhausted its artistic possibilities.