“Lady of the Rings 2” is finally here - the second and final instalment in Private’s homage to “The Lord of the Rings”.
[Cue heroic, stirring, very loud orchestral music]
The opening sequence is a short visual recap of the erotic events in “Lady of the Rings, Part 1”. We see lovely soft-focus footage of strangely familiar New Zealand landscapes, and then a collection of short scenes from the first movie. There is a voiceover from the same bird that usually pops up doing the English voiceovers in Private trailers and BTS segments. She starts off providing an informative exposition of the story so far, but her narrative suddenly degenerates into some of the most lurid, graphic, dirty-talking that I have ever heard uttered by a lady - excellent stuff!!! I wish Cate Blanchett had also regaled us with such a saucy turn of phrase in her prologues as “hot tight asses and dripping cunts taking cock after cock … riding the cocks of their enemies and swallowing the fruits of their balls”.
We then see our heroines Sodo (Lara Stevens) and Sammie (Johanna) walking through a mountain pass. Sammie has a feeling that they are being following. A hissing voice in the background indicates to the viewer that the two Hibbits are indeed being followed by someone with evil designs on that ring around Sodo’s neck.
Scene 1: Simony Diamond, Saana, Mike Foster
We find ourselves in King Dagobert’s (Mike Foster’s) castle. Dannathorn (Saana) and Dimli (Simony Diamond) must force their way past the palace guards to see the King, who is in a trance-like state under the effect of a spell cast by the evil wizard Semmenman (Jay Lassiter).
Now, I must say something here about the palace cleaning staff. They really deserve a rocket up the ass for the state of the King and his throne, which are both covered in cobwebs. That is simply not good enough, and the lack of basic cleanliness here detracts from the heat of the ensuing scene [particularly as the King is uncircumcised, and must have sustained an horrendous build-up of smegma in the weeks or months that must have passed without him being bathed].
The two girls decide to combine their Valkyrie and Amazon ‘magic’ to break Semmenman’s spell over the King. The girls’ magic involves giving the King a good old fashioned blow-job.
This is quite a tame scene by Private’s standards, with it essentially being a close-up of the two girls’ faces whilst they take turns sucking a cock. The girls remain fully clothed.
Saana jerks the King off until he cums on Simony’s tongue.
Not surprisingly, after being sucked off by two gorgeous girls the King snaps out of his trance.
Bindolf (Director, Frank Thring) arrives at the palace and announces that he is no longer “Bindolf the Beige”, but should now be addressed as “Bindolf the White”. Bindolf tells Dannathorn and Dimli about his imprisonment at the hands of Semmenman.
Scene 2: Liliane Tiger, Vyona, Frank Thring and Jay Lassiter
Now this is where it comes in very handy being a Private director – you can get your cock sucked by a gorgeous Hungarian newcomer (Vyona) and then get to cum on Liliane Tiger’s fabulous tits.
Firstly, dominatrix Liliane Tiger gives Bindolf a lengthy handjob (initially through his white cloak and then au naturel) whilst he is chained up in Semmenman’s dungeon and is powerless to prevent this appalling ‘torture’. She then violently forces the apparently reluctant head of young Vyona on to Frank’s thring. Vyona, a cute girl with long brown hair, sucks away frantically on the director’s knob, with lots of deep throating. Vyona is fully nude in this scene. Liliane is still in the same dominatrix gear that she was wearing in the first movie.
Now, porn fans, it is my duty to warn you that this is not a particularly aesthetically-pleasing scene. Frank Thring is not some 18-year old tanned, hard-bodied, viagra-gulping porn stud, after all. I do accept, however, that this scene is important in the context of the story, and so I won’t dwell on the horror of it all.
Bindolf screams in agony as if all the attention on his cock by two young cuties is killing him. Bindolf breaks free of his chains and, quite understandably in the circumstances, the first thing he wants to do with his free hand is jerk off! He finally cums on the breasts of Liliane Tiger with a pretty fair old pop [this guy shows promise, maybe in a few more years he will give Manuel Ferrara a run for his money!]. This last bit, however, was not very well shot, as Liliane’s lovely face was not in the frame whilst Frank Thring was jerking off on her tits – perhaps another reason why Frank should have been on the other side of the camera for this scene.
Semmenman (Jay Lassiter) suddenly appears on the scene to fuck Vyona’s ass. A spirited anal doggy ensues on a stone staircase. It moves into reverse cowgirl anal. The scene then ends disappointingly quickly with a small cumshot to Vyona’s mouth.
There is then a very cheesy but fun late 1970’s style special effects duel between Bindolf and Semmenman. The two wizards stand a few feet apart and hurl lightening bolts and coloured balls of light at one another.
Bindolf is triumphant!
We then move to Sodo and Sammie being ambushed on a mountain path by two Darcs. When the Darcs realise that they have captured a pair of female Hibbits, a race whose notoriety for constant fucking and sucking has travelled far and wide [and is no doubt inscribed on the door of every toilet cubicle in Outer Earth], they can’t help but want to try a taste of Hibbit tail for themselves.
Scene 3: Lara Stevens, Johanna and two dudes in rubber masks
After two less-than noteworthy scenes, expectations are high as Lara Stevens and Johanna finally get their turn at bat in Part 2.
Lara sucks a mean cock here as Johanna gets her pussy licked and finger-banged. This is a very well-filmed scene, with excellent composition to get all four actors in the shot for almost all of the scene without compromising any of the sex action. The location is also great, with a groovy phallic rock outcrop in the background. Johanna gets fucked in cowgirl whilst Lara gets fucked in standing doggy. Both girls are then fucked in anal standing doggy whilst standing side-by-side and leaning against a large boulder. Both girls are then fucked, again side-by-side, in reverse cowgirl anal, with a great shot of a sword embedded in the earth in the foreground.
This is probably my favourite scene of the two movies. The two girls look great in just their little vests, with their large breasts bouncing up and down and their ponytails flicking from side to side.
Lara jerks her Darc off with a substantial cumshot into her mouth. After some delay, and an unsuccessful attempt by Johanna to jerk her Darc off, the second Darc jerks himself off into Johanna’s mouth.
Once again, after the sex is finished, the Darcs make disappointingly idle threats – this time about getting an entire regiment of Darcs to gangbang the two Hibbits. The two Hibbits are then tied up and left to devise a method of escape.
Meanwhile, the castle where Bindolf, Dannathorn, Dimli and Thyicides (Sylvia Saint) are holed up is currently under siege by the forces of “the dark one”. Simony Diamond is beautifully bouncy as she runs up the stone stairs to sound the warning.
Sure enough, within no time, Sodo and Sammie are freed by a strange little green man named Smeggool (Matt Bird) who promises to guide them into Scardor.
The battle is in full swing at the castle. The two mighty armies collide in brutal combat to decide the fate of Outer Earth. I think we see about eight men in total in any one shot! There is a good little scuffle on the stone steps of the castle as our heroines Dannathorn, Dimli and Thyicides despatch their enemies with great skill.
As we see Smeggool off to the side eating something disgusting (which looks like a piece of cooked smoked cod to me), Sodo explains to Sammie that Smeggool was once a Hibbit like them but became a ring-bearer and was corrupted by the evil of the ring. Smeggool threatens to steal the ring off Sodo. Brave Sammie intervenes to give her mistress time to dispose of the ring by promising to give Smeggool the ring if he fucks her first. Sammie seduces Smeggool by exposing her lovely full breasts and reminding Smeggool of what a Hibbit girl tastes like. Sodo makes a dash for the volcano as Sammie works on creating her own little eruption.
Scene 4: Johanna and Matt Bird
The make-up people certainly did a very good job of body-painting the Smeggool character. He is painted head to toe (except for the cock and balls) with green scales. Although Matt Bird is very muscular, he is also very short and so he is quite convincing as a wasted and dissipated Hibbit.
Sammie fucks Smeggool on the grass in a little clearing. The loud and constant background noise of crickets tends to grate as this scene progresses. Johanna sucks cock for a while, and then lets the little green man go wild on her in the doggy position. He addresses her peachy ass in the spoon position. They then move to reverse cowgirl anal. He cums in Johanna’s mouth.
A pretty good scene apart from the annoying background sounds.
Back at the castle once more, after our heroes think that they have vanquished all of the baddies, a funny-looking bloke in an absurdly large helmet rides through the gate on horseback. A brief sword fight ensues between this baddie and Dannathorn before the good guys are victorious once again [warning: this bit is not for the squeamish].
Sodo reaches the volcano but hesitates at destroying the ring, despite its negative effects on her ability to masturbate. She lingers at the volcano rim too long, as Smeggool (balls freshly drained and mentally alert) arrives and starts wrestling with her. Smeggool and the ring both end up in the fires of the volcano.
Back at the castle the festivities are in full swing. Sodo is going to marry Prince Darrian (George Uhl), the Lord of the Fairies (and Elfs) [personally, I can’t see the marriage lasting]. Sammie is to become the Mayoress of Hibbitown. Dannathorn is to marry her true love Lord Madrigal (Chuck Loads). A full-on orgy then ensues amongst our heroes in a room of the castle strewn with plush pillows and blankets.
Scene 5: Lara Stevens, Johanna, Saana, Sylvia Saint, Simony Diamond, George Uhl and Chuck Loads
Simony Diamond and Sylvia Saint engage in a lesbian encounter off to the side of the action. Simony looks very beautiful. The more I see of Simony the more I like her. She has an incredibly beautiful face (one of the best in porn), and a wonderfully perfect, curvy, woman’s body. It is a pity that Simony never got a one-on-one boy-girl scene in this movie – she looks absolutely smoking in this scene.
Lara Stevens and Saana suck off their respective husbands-to-be, whilst Johanna lies between the two men as they take turns finger-banging her. Johanna and Lara both suck the Lord of the Fairies. Johanna then helps Saana suck Chuck Loads. Sylvia Saint and Simony Diamond take turns licking pussy. Lara is fucked in reverse cowgirl whilst Saana is fucked doggy style.
Simony attacks Sylvia’s pussy with yet another strange, coral-shaped, dildo [no doubt part of the Private adult toy range]. I am not a fan of lesbian scenes, but Simony and Sylvia maintained my attention throughout in this scene.
Chuck loads fucks Johanna in doggy whilst Saana engages in PTOGM. The Lord of the Fairies fucks Lara in spoon anal. Chuck Loads then fucks Johanna in spoon anal whilst tightly holding Johanna by the ponytail – very hot!! A great cumshot ensues over Johanna and Saana’s faces. The Lord of the Fairies also unloads another top notch cumshot over Lara’s face.
An excellent scene to end the series with!!
But then, what’s this? The story continues. Just like the film it parodies, this film has too many bloody endings!
They go and fuck the whole thing up with a ludicrous ‘Pamela Ewing dream sequence whilst Bobby was in the shower’ storyline. We are in modern day Hungary and Saana is telling her boyfriend (George Uhl) about her vivid dream of wizards, Darcs and Hibbits. It was apparently the cheese she ate the night before for dinner that had brought on the dream! This appears to be just a poor excuse to add a typical Private semi-public sex scene into the mix.
Scene 6: Saana, George Uhl and some creepy passing peeping-tom pervert
This scene is set on top of some kind of tourist look-out on a hill over-looking an un-identified Hungarian town. It is a pretty good scene on its own, but it is terribly out of place in the context of the movie.
Saana is wearing a little pink dress. She sucks off her boyfriend whilst a creepy man in the bushes nearby watches them and masturbates. Saana gets fucked in standing doggy whilst leaning over the look-out’s railing. They move into reverse cowgirl. Saana motions the creepy wood-dwelling pervert over and she gives him a blow job. Saana is fucked in the anal spoon position by the pervert [her character obviously isn’t very discriminating in whom she allows access to her ass]. There is then a pretty good DP. There is then an endless jerk session in desperate need of attention by the editor before a cumshot to Saana’s mouth. The second cumshot to Saana’s mouth is much better edited.
A good sex scene.
I must take the liberty of suggesting an alternate ending here – perhaps for the extended edition director’s cut. In my view, the final scene should have been set in the drawing room of a large mansion (like so many Private scenes are). Saana should have been dressed in twead jacket and skirt, with her hair pulled back into a bun and wearing spectacles. She should have been reading extracts from her book, “Lady of the Rings”, to a group of four men, similarly dressed like university professor types with spectacles. One of the men (Frank Thring?) should have stood up and loudly declared “Not another book about fucking fairies”, and then stormed out of the room. Saana would then be shown downcast, but she would slowly look up and see the other three professors with cocks out and madly stroking away. Saana’s book has had the intended result! A typical Private mini-gangbang ensues. End of story. Just a suggestion.
Whilst not as good as Part 1, this dvd does have its moments. It had a very slow start and a very disappointing ending, but an excellent middle. The moral of the story appears to be to steer clear of Hungarian cheese – it has apparent hallucinogenic properties.
You have to hand it to Private – they do go that extra mile in making their films. Flying Silvia Saint to the top of a New Zealand mountain for a few seconds of footage is certainly something different in a porn movie!
Please keep making this kind of feature, Private.
The usual Private extras are included:
Alternate languages and subtitles
Private promotional material
The same BTS as on the first instalment
Still photos (some nice photos of Simony in particular, and a few disturbing ones of Frank Thring’s cock!)
Noticeably absent is the snazzy cardboard slip-case that came with the first instalment.