I have always been a fan of the parody genre of porn. Not only do I like to have a good laugh during sex, but it is also handy to have a few parody tapes in your porn collection to minimise embarrassing discoveries of your porn stash. You see, I learnt early to always put the porn parodies on top of my stash so that if my mother or someone else happened across the stash, I can laugh nervously and say it is a simple light-hearted sex comedy take-off of my favourite movie/tv show/book which I had to buy out of curiosity. I could then quickly shut the sock draw and change the subject. You can’t do that with a title like “Cumfart Cocktails” or “One in the Pink and One in the Stink”.
“Lady of the Rings” now sits proudly on the top of my porn stash. In fact, I love it so much I might even move it into the lounge room and stack it next to my extended edition LOTR dvds (between the polystone Argonath bookends).
The movie starts with weird, seizure-inducing, pulsating graphics and a distorted male voice-over. Apparently, some bad dude has made a set of special rings (6 for the kings of men, 5 for the elf lords, 3 for the gnomes, and 2 for the troll kings). There is, as always, one controlling ring which the bad dude has misplaced during one of the flashback battles. A Hibbit named Dildo found the ring and has passed it on to her niece Sodo (played by Hungarian hottie Lara Stevens).
The exposition of the prologue out of the way, the film proper begins with footage of the beautiful New Zealand countryside shot from a helicopter. You may have seen some of these very same locations in a certain small New Zealand production in recent years. We see the wizard Bindolf (played by the movie’s director, Frank Thring) walking up a hill high above the ocean on the New Zealand coast. He motions towards the small town of Hibbiton – his destination. Suddenly, through the magic of cinema, we are in a quaint village in rural Hungary – the locale for Hibbiton.
We see the young Hibbit Sammie Gargee (Johanna) kissing some guy when she is interrupted by her mistress Sodo (Lara Stevens). It turns out it is May Day; the day when all Hibbits are expected to fuck like jackrabbits. And that is exactly what they do. Bindolf later remarks: “the Hibbits are the horniest race in Outer Earth”. Sodo agrees that the Hibbits are, indeed, “uninhibited”.
I have to say that Sodo and Sammie’s costumes are very hot. They both wear see-through black tights with little furry boots, frilly white shirts and little vests with lacing up the front. Even when they are not fucking they are a real turn-on to look at.
Sodo gives Sammie permission to go forth and enjoy herself. Sodo adds:
“But stop your fucking by suppertime! … Get fucked plenty and we will feast tonight.” [priceless!]
Scene 1 – Johanna, Christin, Tia and Clark, Alex and Ricardo Bell
Christin and Tia, two Hungarian girls, play Hibbits and are first seen sucking off three Hibbit men outdoors on a little wooden bridge. Christin is a cute brunette with cool tongue and face piercings. Tia is a cute blonde. The three studs are the usual Private suspects – underfed, shaven-headed, unsmiling youths that look like AWOL Russian conscripts.
Sammie (Johanna) is a hot-bodied brunette. Now I thought that she must have been an English actress because of her command of the language [unless it was the best dubbing that Private has ever done!]. However, she is Hungarian and appears in the Eurobabe Index as “Vanessa Hill”. I will definitely be looking for more of her work.
Sammie (Johanna) takes on two of the Hibbit studs for tag-team cock-sucking on the wooden bridge. This effectively leaves poor Tia masturbating on her own whilst Christin continues to suck the other dude.
Sammie (Johanna) has an excellent anal scene here leading to a great DP. This is a highlight of the film.
A word about the music here – it is great and adds to the idyllic, carefree, atmosphere of the little Hibbit village.
Christin and Tia do a tandem blowjob until the guy cums on both their mouths. No other penetration for either girl here, but Sammie (Johanna) looks great getting DP’d over their shoulders.
Johanna takes two good facials.
Scene 2 – Lara Stevens and Lauro Giotto
This scene is inter-cut with the first scene.
Sodo (Lara Stevens) is herself propositioned by a male Hibbit and, being a lady and respectful of hibbit customs and festivals, she agrees to a quickie. Lara Stevens is another hot brunette with large breasts and wonderful meaty pussy lips that I could imagine sucking on for hours on end. She is soon sucking the guy’s cock in what looks like the town square of a little picture postcard deserted Hungarian village. There is a little bit of tit-fucking which serves to highlight the gold ring on a chain around Sodo’s neck. Lara has a habit of saying “Oh yeah, oh yeah” in a thick Hungarian accent in her scenes – I love it! For the rest of her dialogue Lara’s voice is dubbed.
Lara gets a great anal doggy on an outdoor stone staircase – there is even a few seconds of gaping.
There is no cumshot to end this scene, which is disappointing.
Bindolf appears at Sodo’s house later that night. He warns Sodo about the ring of power around her neck and tells her that it must be destroyed in the volcano of Chaos in Scardor. Whilst they are asleep they are visited by a “Ring Demon” whom Bindolf drives away – things are suddenly getting serious here!
We then see Bindolf and Sodo wandering the countryside. Bindolf tells Sodo to meet a person named “Striker” at the “Black Pony” tavern.
Scene 3 – Saana and Kevin Solo
At the tavern Sodo and Sammie meet “Striker”, who is actually the tall, blonde, Finnish Valkyrie warrior Dannathorn (Saana). Saana is striking in this scene – she is wearing a silver metal bra, black panties, a belt to which a large silver sword is attached and thigh-high black boots. She has brown eyes and long fair blonde hair almost down to her ass. In the BTS Frank Thring refers to her as “Katrina Highkick”. Striker (Saana) thinks the Hibbits are attracting too much attention so she sends them away for a while and creates a distraction by announcing to the tavern that she needs a beer and a man that can fuck like a real stud [where is this bar?]. In one of the funniest deliveries of dialogue I have seen in a porn movie, Kevin Solo, a dark Antonio Banderas type says: “What about me beeeetch – I fuck real good!”. He does too!
Saana sucks and fucks this guy in the tavern in front of the other drinkers. Saana has a very hot and nasty grin on her face as she sucks cock in this scene. She has the word “Angel” tattooed on her stomach, and throughout this scene the guy keeps saying “my Angel”. There is missionary fucking on the table, then reverse cowgirl, and finally anal doggy. Saana jerks the guy off into her face with a Sharapova double-handed grip.
More lovely scenes of New Zealand follow. The Hibbits and Striker meet up with Bindolf at a castle. He introduces them to Prince Darrian (George Uhl), the Lord of the Fairies (and Elfs), and Lord Madrigal (Chuck Loads), Striker’s true love. Striker kisses Lord Madrigal’s hand – you know who wears the pants in that relationship! Bindolf also introduces the Hibbits to two warriors who are also to join the fellowship – Thyicides of Lesbos (Sylvia Saint) and Dimli the Amazon (Simony Diamond). Thyicides (Sylvia) is gorgeous and looks like the Greek Goddess Artemis with white toga, thigh-high white boots and golden bow – her race only fuck women and live for a thousand years. Dimli (Simony) has a cool leather studded strap bra with her nipples exposed, wears camouflaged canvas boots, and carries a bloody big axe. Now this is the first time I have seen Simony. She is notable to me as the girl whom JY Le Castel described in a recent Adult DVD Talk thread as having a “civil servant” attitude. Well, I for one don’t mind if she wears brown corduroy trousers and a coffee=stained cardigan – she looks great to me taking it in the ass and that is all that matters!
Scene 4 – Lara Stevens and George Uhl
We find the two Hibbits alone in a grand castle room. Sodo is masturbating and wearing nothing but her vest, furry boots, and the ring of power. She complains to Sammie that the evil power of the ring is preventing her from reaching orgasm. Sammie offers the use of a dildo, but at that moment the Lord of the Fairies materialises (through the walls) to offer his cock to the frustrated Sodo. Sammie leaves the room. Some kissing, pussy-licking and finger-banging ensues. The doggy position is particularly great as it shows Lara’s meaty pussy lips to full advantage. The reverse cowgirl anal is even better, though, as Lara’s magnificent breasts bounce up and down. Lara also raises her legs high and straight, pointing her toes to the ceiling, which looks simply spectacular. I am really beginning to love Frank Thring as a director. There is then missionary anal, which provides yet another great bouncing titties shot. The Lord of the Fairies’ poofy green slippers are a bit of a worry though in this scene. Lara finishes him off by jerking him into her mouth. This guy produces a huge amount of cum – most of which goes wasted over Lara’s shoulder. A lot of cum, however, still ends up on Lara’s face (and particularly in her right eye! These Private girls, however, are made of stern stuff, and Lara does not even blink – she turns and looks wide-eyed and smiling nastily into the camera.
Scene 5 – Saana and Chuck Loads
This scene is inter-cut with scene 4.
Lord Madrigal says he cannot marry Striker because she is not of royal blood. They fuck nevertheless on an outdoor walkway with stone columns.
Now this Chuck Loads is English and he looks disturbingly like Crown Prince Frederick of Denmark [I wonder if Princess Mary knows he is frolicking with some Finnish Strumpet?]. I don’t mind so long as he keeps his cock hard and does not stand between the girl and the camera – I think he’ll do as a porn stud. There is a blowjob, great doggy, standing fuck (Saana is very tall!) and reverse cowgirl.
Another great scene. Saana looks great taking a facial. Once again, most of the cum gets in the girl’s right eye [Do these girls get danger pay?] These Private girls will smile through anything – they fuck as though the very whip hand of their master was behind them!
More majestic scenery of New Zealand in soft focus follows. There is a great scene shot from a helicopter of Sylvia Saint advance scouting across a mountain range – she is much cuter than Orlando Bloom [although come to think of it, the bastard would probably also look cute in a little toga and thigh-high high-heeled boots]. Some groovy lightening special effects lead to the next scene.
Scene 6 – Liliane Tiger, Valentina Velasquez and Jay Lassiter
Semmenman (Jay Lassiter) is Bindolf’s wizard boss who is under the control of the “Evil One”. This guy overacts more than Christopher Lee. He is all sweaty and mad-eyed, and practically frothing at the mouth as he rants about acquiring wealth and power by a plan to torture Bindolf to find the ring. He interrupts blonde Czech actress Liliane Tiger whilst she is torturing a tied up brunette Valentina Velasquez (yet another Hungarian hottie). The two girls stare intently at him as he rants, as if he is saying something of great interest to them. Next thing these two hot girls are sucking his cock – what more power do you need, man!!
He fucks Liliane in the missionary position. She looks really great in this scene and her vocals are very sexy. Liliane is wearing a dominatrix outfit consisting of thigh-high black leather boots, a leather neck collar, and a black and red bra (with exposed breasts) and panties. He then fucks Valentina in cowgirl whilst licking her tits.
The music is a creepy, haunted house-type soundtrack with the sounds of screaming girls in the background, giving the scene a great vibe.
Liliane gets fucked in reverse cowgirl anal, moaning loudly throughout. Her genital piercings look great in this position. Valentina then gets an anal doggy, whilst Liliane rubs Valentina’s pussy and occasionally spits on Jay’s cock. Jay cums deep inside Liliane’s mouth and she then drops her head so that the cum drips down into Valentina’s waiting mouth.
Another top notch scene.
Scene 7 – Sylvia Saint, Simony Diamond, Gina B and a couple of guys in rubber masks.
A pair of Darcs (guys in black with strange reptilian rubber masks) attack Sylvia Saint and Simony Diamond in a forest clearing. Although the girls put up a bit of a fight, Simony is knocked unconscious and Sylvia is subdued. The Darcs announce that they are going to both fuck and kill the two girls, although they can’t agree as to the order in which to do it. Sylvia announces that she only knows how to fuck women. The Darcs call upon a nearby female creature of some description (Gina B, a Hungarian girl with bald-head make-up on and fake facial moles and missing teeth) to fuck Sylvia. Poor Simony, being unconscious, has no say in the matter and so must fuck the two Darcs [as with all civil servants, you are never around when the nasty jobs are delegated].
Gina B licks Sylvia’s pussy and attacks it with a large bizarre-looking black rubber dildo with a big tear-shaped head on it. It is good to see Sylvia back in porn – even if only in soft lesbian stuff. She looks good in her white thigh-high boots, little white corset and silver cape.
Simony sucks the two Darcs’ cocks, alternating between them. Simony performs anal in the spoon position whilst sucking cock. Kudos go to the two guys in the rubber Darc masks who stayed hard the whole scene despite the fact they must have been hot and would not have been able to see the incredibly sexy girl they were fucking. Simony moves to a reverse cowgirl anal, followed by an excellent DP. This is a really hot DP with Simony looking straight into the mask of one of the Darcs and then straight into the camera. The first Darc dumps his load on her tongue whilst the second takes a while to jerk off across her mouth. That was definitely a super-efficient private sector fuck!
Sylvia attacks Gina B’s pussy with a glass dagger-shaped dildo.
A gruesome blood-spilling scene follows when Saana arrives on the scene too late to participate in the sex. Simony is nowhere to be seen during this little fracas – maybe she was on a smoko break.
The saga is to be continued in “Lady of the Rings Part 2”. The BTS indicates that the next dvd will be packed with more Darc fucking, and a strange little green man also gets to fuck a Hibbit.
The BTS is introduced by Frank Thring. Watch out for an amusing exchange between Frank and Sylvia Saint which ends with Sylvia staring daggers at him!
There are profiles of the girls.
Trailers of latest Private releases.
Photobooks of the movie and BTS (including an amusing photo of Frank Thring pretending to fuck Lara Stevens).
Private promotional material.
The audio is in English, French, German, Spanish or Italian. I’d like to see a Hungarian audio in one of these movies just to hear the girls speak in their native tongue.
A great movie filled with gorgeous girls, great costumes and hot sex. I highly recommend it.