Director: Brandon Iron
The Abridged Version: I am, unabashedly, a breast man. Furthermore to that, I am a big-breast man. I like them big, round, and natural. As such, fate has allotted me a wonderful girlfriend with a curiously flat chest. I very much so adore her, yet I find myself secretly lamenting her absence of big boobs. Am I a bad person because of this? Oh, most definitely. There’s no doubt about it. Conversely, my porn habit is littered with breasts I am destined to never touch. And “Photographic Mammaries” is no exception. The givers-of-milk, delighters-of-cocks attached to these 5 girls are glorious aberrations of nature, living testimony to the question so often pondered in relation to the ever fabulous busty Euro girl population, “What in the hell do they put in the water over there?” Cover girl and central attraction for this reviewer Avy Scott is American-grown, hailing from Florida originally. The rest of the girls are imports and as such are generically more willing to do nastier acts yet sometimes clearly bored with the proceedings. That is the trap producers and directors quite often fall into when casting the uniformly gorgeous Euro girls. However, director Brandon Iron has lucked into or skillfully collected a group of strong performers. What it all amounts to is one of the better Big Breast tapes you can ever hope to see. Each scene begins in widescreen, as we peek in on skillfully edited, interestingly lit photo shoots, hence the world “photographic” in the title. The master of this art was and still is Tom Byron, yet I was pleasantly surprised at how effective Iron proved to be in this technique. The enjoyment of pornography is one that takes place largely in one’s own mind, thus throwing the viewer this “bone” of a brief tease introduction goes a long way. We are only really watching these girls pose for pictures thus not doing anything sexual, but it adds more the action than just sitting them down on a couch and throwing cocks at them like other directors and companies are prone to do. Once the actual sex does begin, we are treated to a runaway train of smoldering fucking. From Avy to Jane there is not a dull moment in the bunch, with Brandon’s rather short scene with Misty even cranking in the heat. On the nastiness meter, Avy and Misty are the only ones who duck the ‘ole backdoor action.
Scene 1: Avy Scott (cover girl) w/ Sean Michaels (25 minutes)
I’ll make no lies about it: Avy is the only reason I wanted to see this title. In the absence of my favorite busty porn stars (such as Taylor St. Claire, Cherry Mirage), she has quickly gained my favor. With a face that magnificently combines the cuteness of Leelee Sobieski with the maturity of Helen Hunt and the full-figured body of a Marilyn Monroe, Avy is sure to impress the most hardened viewer. She is also a woman of varying hairstyles, opting here for the more coifed dirty blonde with long bangs look she wore for Lexington Steele in “Superwhores” (2003). Regardless, after a surprising amount of shots of her luscious ass her frequent partner of choice Sean Michaels soon enters the scene, cupping her breasts from behind as Brandon continues snapping pictures. Interestingly, Avy is standing in front of a red background that matches the exact same shade of red lipstick, red see-thru panties, and red wristwatch she is wearing. Nice touch! Rather seamlessly, the widescreen disappears and the lighting returns back to normal. Almost instantly, Avy turns around and gets her mouth around Sean’s monster cock, as if she couldn’t wait to get at it. Including a sexy standing titty fuck and a brief segment of point of view camerawork (she sucks his dick while looking directly at us), this opening blowjob is just off the hook. Avy comes damn close several times to completely deep throating Sean and as a result we end with her mascara running. Sean frees her of her panties and Brandon holds the shot a bit longer, watching her shake her ass up and down before she leads Sean away from the set. We cut to a new location, a nondescript location containing a white couch with leopard pillows, and Avy’s eye make-up is mysteriously fixed. Regardless, Sean gives it to our beautiful girl in missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, and missionary before unleashing a sizeable load on her face (she is most definitely no “cum dodger”). The camera pans and zooms in on a photo of these two temporary lovers posing in front of the red background, surely taken during the first half that we saw, to end the scene. Another real nice touch. It might have been my own attention going there, but it seemed there was quite a bit of focus on Avy’s ass in this scene. I have absolutely no complaints there because I love every inch of this girl’s body, but some purists would probably have preferred more emphasis on her breasts. Never fear though. Every scene after this one quite adequately highlights the breast over anything else.
Scene 2: Anita Queen (sexy brunette with ABSOLUTELY perfect D-cup breasts) w/Michael Stefano (33 minutes)
I have seen this sexy gal before, going by Laura in Vince Vouyer’s “Young Ripe Mellons #4” (2003). There, the three guys and one gal she was paired seemed very taken with her. You probably will be too once you see her unleash her stunningly perfect breasts from the constraints of a pink sundress while posing for pictures on the balcony of a nice hotel room. As she ends the tease by motioning with her fingers to follow us inside, you will be absolutely sold on following her wherever the hell she wants to go. We cut to Michael Stefano, fellow Platinum X director no less, eagerly awaiting her arrival in a rather barren room decorated with a striped couch and potted plant. She enters with her top all ready down and back to us, but Michael sees her chest and instantly turns her around for us to see and Brandon moves in on her breasts, watching Stefano devour her nipples as if he were a child in need of nourishment. Stefano is so taken with her that she has barely sucked his dick before he lays her down to slip it in her hairy pussy, her panties roughly pushed to the side and her dress draped around her waist. After sideways missionary and reverse cowgirl, Stefano eagerly violates her tight asshole in doggy. The jackhammer performer he is, Stefano has this girl moaning her heads off in three different anal positions before quickly titty fucking her as a preface to unloading on her face, hitting her a bit in the left eye. We end with her licking up some errant cum that ended up on her left breast (Trust me, it is very hot). And if pay attention you will see that she never managed to free herself of those panties.
Scene 3: Lisa Sparkle (essentially a carbon copy of Anita with a less attractive face, bears a striking resemblance to current American porn star Haley) w/Leslie Taylor (31 minutes)
When I saw the name Lisa Sparkle I was instantly reminded of the episode of “The Simpsons” in which Homer finds out that a Japanese company has manufactured a cleaning detergent with a figure that looks just like him named “Mr. Sparkle!” Such a humorous reaction was quickly eradicated once I actually saw this beauty though. Definitely hot, I was just not extremely attracted to this girl. This is the type of Euro girl that, for whatever reason, does absolutely nothing for me, which is odd because as noted above she looks a lot like Haley and Haley is one of my favorite new girls of the past two years. Regardless, Leslie is clearly in a different boat than me. He plows through her quickly before going at her ass, at which point she finally loses those panties. In the end, his cum appropriately misses her so-so face and hits her phenomenal breasts.
Scene 4: Misty (mad sexy redhead w/ABSOLUTELY perfect breasts) w/Brandon Iron (12 minutes)
She poses for a few pictures in a hotel bedroom before oiling up her remarkably flawless tits. As she is doing this, Brandon creeps up behind her and decides to lend a helping hand. Well, actually he lends both of his hands and whether or not he was helping spread the lotion or just feeling her up isn’t clear. She doesn’t seem to mind either way and after briefly spreading her saliva all over his cock she is bending over to be mounted. Brandon is indeed blessed when it comes to dick size and his third arm is quite a tight fit for Misty. However, she offers up only moans and not complaints. Regardless, this one ends with him shooting a load in her mouth for her to swallow, which she does, a bit too quickly. Anal would have been nice, but for a quick, short scene this is pretty hot.
Scene 5: Jane Darling (essentially a blonde version of Misty, slightly bigger and better breasts) w/Steve Holmes and Michael Stefano (32 minutes)
Jane Darling is a freak. She has to be. There is just not a flaw on her body. No girl that tall, thin, and gorgeous can have the natural breasts she does, can she? Instead of pondering this, I just thank the heavens that Jane looks like she does and, maybe more importantly, is the bonafide cocklover she is. Clearly not new to this game, Jane gets down real good after a rather sexy intro, featuring her stripping free of an alluring red outfit and black panties. Again, the heat of the moment gets the better of everyone as Jane has all ready had her ass fucked and been double penetrated in reverse cowgirl before she finally sheds her clothing. One she is completely naked, her two boy toys continue double penetrating her in various locations and positions before each taking turns individually fucking her ass and getting it to gape. Again, she is into everything every step of the way. Eventually, she finds herself on her knees and her mouth full of a shitload of cum. Steve and Michael miss the mark a bit, with cum all over her face, but what does end up in her mouth never leaves it. Great closing scene.
Bonus: Lucy Lee (slutty brunette w/all natural body, small breasts) w/6 guys (3 minutes)
This is prefaced with “Coming Soon: Six Pack.” We begin with Brandon pretending to use Lucy’s ass to open a bottle of what looks to be beer. We are then treated to a quick summation of her scene in this future title, which will see her getting her ass fucked, double penetrated, double analed and end with her covered with 6 huge facials of cum. Luckily, the guys help out and wash the seed off her face by showering her with 6 well-shaken beers. To be honest, I could have done without seeing this. Lucy did not seem to enjoy this “shower.” However, if this sounds appealing to you then you’ll love this unexpected little extra at the end of the tape. This is followed with a nice touch in the form of a cast re-cap, each scene identified with a developed photo accompanied by the names of the performers written in white above said photo all set amidst a black background.
The Verdict: I hesitate to refer to this title as “classic”, as one of my fellow reviewers has, because I am just not a huge fan of European girls. As hot as all of these women were and how nasty the anal or big the gape, the tape still climaxed for me with Avy. I once read that Avy Scott and Bella Donna were roommates. This is surely not the case anymore, considering the news that Avy is apparently moving back to Florida only to film scenes every other week on visits back to Porn Valley. But she must have picked up some pointers from Bella because she fucks just as nasty as her time and time again. That’s not to say that these other girls are not just as nasty. Jane Darling is clearly nastier. It’s just my own personal bias. Objectively, I still hesitate to call it “classic” because it seems to me that Brandon is only getting better. This title was great and a definite must-have, but with his elevating abilities the second volume in the series will probably be somehow better. Either way, I know I will be checking that one out. In the meantime, this one will get plenty of time in my DVD player. In a time of assembly-line porn this one stands out, as Brandon and everyone involved in it clearly spent their time on it.
Behind the Scenes (8 minutes)-We get brief extra looks at Lisa Sparkle, Jane Darling, and Anita Queen. The bulk of the footage consists of Avy, primarily showcasing the somewhat dull realities of a photo shoot. The best moment comes when Brandon takes a brief break and rests his head on Avy’s voluptuous chest, which could call for some Freudian analysis.
Bonus Footage (5 minutes)-Brandon receives a quick blowjob and titty fuck from Anita Queen. His load lands squarely on her ample chest.
Photo Shoot (12 minutes)-This section essentially revisits the photo shoots that were edited together to form introductions for each scene and shows them in their eye-pleasing monotony. Additionally, there is some footage of Brandon taking pictures of Avy and Lisa during their respective scenes.
More Tease, Please (3 minutes)-We get an extremely gratifying striptease from uberwhore Jane Darling. I know I have said that I don’t like Euro girls, but Jane is a definite exception. Hot, hot, hot.
Cumshot Recap (4 minutes)-From the DVD menu you can choose to either watch all of the cumshots together or pick the specific one you want to see.
Photo Gallery-Elsewhere we saw Brandon taking pictures. Here, we see those pictures plus many more.
Cast List (30 second)-This is a nice touch. Most DVDs that do have a cast list just have list of their names, with a filmography attached sometimes. Brandon foregoes this and shows clip of each scene with newly added graphics identifying the performers.
Anal Expedition 2 (1 minute)
POV Pin-ups (1 minute)
Sinful Asians Vol. 2 (1 minute) –I’ve seen this one. Highly recommended for Lucy Thai’s scene with Lexington Steele and Scott Lyons.
Fresh New Faces #3 (1 minute, 20 seconds)
Director’s Bio-A scrolling biography of our captain, our captain. Correction. Our Canadian captain with an English degree.
Baker’s Dozen Preview (4 minutes)- We are treated to a 4 minute summary of Sophia’s scene in this soon to be released tape from Brandon. She gets some anal and dp lovin’ and ends with just a tad bit of cum on her face. Actually, she could drown in the amount of cum on her. This title looks a bit too rough for my tastes.
Website-A link to the company website.
Rent it or Buy It: If I were reviewing the VHS copy, I imagine I would suggest this title as a rental-only. Again, that is only due to my own bias and also consider that very rarely do I ever buy porn. I am almost always a renta-only guy. But there is no question in regard to this DVD: Buy It. In addition to the actual film you get extremely extensive DVD extras that definitely tip the scale.
Note: So far, Platinum X is the only adult company I have seen actually place previews of future titles on new releases. I really wish other companies would follow their example, if feasible of course.