The Abridged Version: Here is the problem with parody: it has to be relevant. And even if it is relevant it will most probably feel dated several years after its release. For instance, there are jokes in Airplane (1980) that I do not get because they were only timely at the time it was made and I was not born until 1982. Just the same, there are probably jokes in The Naked Gun 33 1/3 (1994) that I get but kids in middle school or high school wouldn’t. I felt that same sense of detachment that they would in that case while I was watching Dcypher’s (Devan) porn parody Legal Tender 2 (2004). In the publicity hyping the release, Devan illustrated his intent to simply spoof the various young girl movies of the time. However, in execution we are given the pizza boy, the stripper, the cheerleader, the patient in a hospital, and the secretary. These porn archetypical situations have little to do with young girls and more to do with porn in general. What Devan fails to realize is that the current young girl movement is not as thought out as he seems to think. The escalating success of gonzo and demand for young, new girls seems to have met in the middle. What this means is that most of these young girls are just popping up in gonzo scenes. They don’t act the bored teenager, the horny stripper, the virginal cheerleader, the sexy medical patient, or the secretary trying to keep a job. They simply do a short interview and then get fucked. In short, porn is not even creative enough to be clichéd right now. Some companies like Hustler, Kick Ass Pictures, Notorious, and even Madness Pictures do still put out the type of content that Devan is parodying but that is no longer the norm of the industry. However, as just a general spoof on classic porn situations this is not bad. At times, the performers break the third wall, ala French New Wave filmmakers, and talk to the camera. At other times, Devan walks into the frame himself to deride the ludicrous situation or acting on display. But in each scene the parody is rather short and the performers get back to the sex. However, I fear that even the slight interruption might be too much for fans who just wanted to see some fucking. But, ultimately, the sex is solid and that’s all that matters. Right? August Night, Dana, and Roxy stole the show sexually for me.
Scene 1: Christie Lee (cover girl) w/Tony Tedeschi (21 minutes)
Pizza Guy- Our lovely cover girl lies down on a couch, muttering something about how it sucks being 18. Of course, she vents this frustration by rubbing her clit while looking at a dirty magazine. Soon enough, she lets the pizza guy in. He has brilliantly cut a hole in the middle of the pizza box so that he might expose his dick to her. She opens it, shows no reaction, and starts giving him a hand job. Dcypher, the director, walks into the frame, screaming that the situation is ridiculous. He calls in producer Steve Austin, who defends the script, saying that the screenwriter “does good stuff.” Dcypher refuses to direct the scene and storms off the set, screaming, “Where are my pills?” Unfortunately, Christie and Tony offer no acknowledgement to any of this, making out on the couch during the whole argument. Thus, they become mere background pieces. So, it feels odd when the camera zooms back in on them to show them having sex. They have become about as interesting as the couch they are lying on. Christie blows him and then he eats her out, though sadly the background music slightly drowns out the dirty talk and moaning. He pounds her pretty hard in missionary, successfully administering what is known as deep-dicking. Christie finally shows some life in reverse cowgirl, though still nowhere near as energetic as she usually is. They do some more fucking in sideways missionary and doggy before she strokes a small load out of Tony’s cock and onto her chin. He tells her to call the next time she needs a delivery and she lies belly down on the couch.
Scene 2: August Night (gorgeous Latina, unbelievable ass, sexy new hairdo, one of my favorite porn starlets of all time) w/Barrett Blade (20 minutes)
Strip Club- August, who as of late seems to be looking quite possibly better than she ever has before, is a young stripper in a sexy black two-piece top and bottom set. The set is fairly cheesy, with the chains hanging down from the ceiling making me think that it is probably re-dressed and used as a dominatrix/bondage set all the time. Today, Ms. Night is dancing for her sole patron, Barrett Blade. It turns out that Mr. Blade is a quasi-celebrity, once a member of a one-hit wonder band and now a semi-pathetic media whore appearing on shitty reality TV shows to help record sales. August laughs at him but admits that she is a bit of a star-fucker and really wants to have sex with him. In reaction to Barrett’s surprised disbelief, August turns to the camera and explains that this is just another teen movie. This would never happen in real life but in this reality she is about to suck his cock. She then proceeds to do so, as Barrett extraneously points out, “You just broke the fourth wall.” For the blowjob, he stands at the side of the dance stage the whole time as August kneels in front of him, working his cock over nicely. At one point, she lies on her back so that he can throat gag her. He eats her out, briefly, before spearing her in missionary. August turns surprisingly vocal during the sex, offering up exquisitely authentic sounding dirty talk. Using the dance stage as the ground, the two go through cowgirl and reverse cowgirl rather quickly. Now propped up against the side of the stage, they engage in standing doggy style. Dcypher misses a good opportunity here, as August is leaning over the glass stage and looking at her own reflection while getting fucked. This is not at all highlighted. Barrett has had enough and shoots a big load, though most of it flies right by August’s face. These male porn stars are like power pitchers in baseball. They know the cum is flying but they don’t always know where it is going.
Scene 3: Dana Vespoli (innately sexy, brunette, mixed ethnicity) w/Brandon Iron (24 minutes)
Locker Room- Wearing a clichéd-yet-sexy yellow cheerleader outfit, Dana Vespoli informs Brandon that she is ready to lose her virginity. Being a cheerleader, it only makes sense to her that the jock, Brandon, would be the one to deflower her. So, right there in the boy’s locker room, she bends over in front of Mr. Iron who looks poised to take her in standing doggy right away. Dcypher is not at all pleased, walking into the frame and informing his actors that it is all coming off a bit too porno for him. It is a big task to ask for some sensitive acting from Brandon but Dcypher is willing to do it. However, with each subsequent take the acting gets worse. Dana and Brandon are clearly annoyed with this director, with Ms. Vespoli eager to fuck and Mr. Iron eager to get it over with so that he might get on with his schedule, which sees him booked for 3 more scenes that very day. Eventually, the actors win over and Dana is kneeling before Brandon and his exposed cock. She informs him that she has “never done this before” and then immediately jams his cock down her throat, almost deep throating him. She briefly does a chant with her pom-poms (“C-O-C-K, I want to suck your cock!”) before really getting into the blowjob. These are two intense performers but, surprisingly, there is a lot of joking going on here, even during the sex. We do finally return to her bent over in front of him for standing doggy. He pulls off her sexy black panties and impales her “virgin pussy” with his huge schlong. This cheerleader is one major slut in the making, letting Brandon take her anal cherry as well in missionary. In fact, she lets Brandon shove the tip of a miniature football as well as a good portion of a shuttlecock up her ass. All joking stops in sideways missionary anal, which sees Dana whispering sweet nothings to Brandon that the camera fails to pick up. It concludes with doggy anal and a weak facial. Dana and Brandon looked real into each other at times while also looking like they were loving the parody at other times. Great scene.
Scene 4: Roxy Jezel (sexy Asian, brunette, speaks with sexy London accent, nasty) w/Steven St. Croix (21 minutes)
Calling Dr. Love- Roxy is masturbating in a hospital room setting. Dr. St. Croix comes in to inform her that she is going to be all right. It is perfectly normal for girls who have just turned 18 to suddenly crave cock. He recommends a hot beef injection, which elicits a laugh from his co-star. St. Croix suddenly looks off-camera, complaining that he is just not feeling really good about this set-up. Dcypher tries to calm his nerves but fails. Steve Austin comes in and as they are talking we cut to Roxy sucking Steven’s cock. No explanation is given as to how we got to this point, but Roxy’s deep throat antics make it forgivable. This is one energetic girl. She climbs aboard Dr. Love for some spirited cowgirl. The best moments here come when she takes charge, grinding her hips enthusiastically as Steven lies back and looks to be in heaven. This kind of goes on for a while, with Roxy frequently jumping off to briefly add some more saliva to Steven’s member. They never really miss a beat, running through reverse cowgirl, doggy, and missionary. Steve finally pulls out and shoots a characteristically big load over different portions of Roxy’s torso.
Scene 5: Lisa Marie (cute, dirty blonde, very thin, tad bit too much make-up) w/Rich Handsome (21 minutes)
Office Whipper- Rich Handsome calls his secretary into his office. He is losing clients due to her incompetence and must let her go. Wearing a black skirt, white top, and black bra, Lisa looks rather fetching as she is begging to keep her job. Rich tells her there is one way she can keep her job. Unexpectedly, she reaches into the desk and pulls out a whip. She spanks Rich with it a couple of times before Dcypher walks in again. He is angry because the actors are improvising. This whole spanking thing is not in the script. They inform him that the script is crap but eventually agree to do it by the books. Of course, they lie and this time Rich tells Lisa that she can keep her job if she lets him fuck her in the ass. Dcypher has to call cut immediately. Lisa does not do anal (correction: she has done one anal scene in her career thus far) and this video is not budgeted to pay her for such an act. However, she really wants to do it and thinks Rich is cute. She also pledges to do a little “casting couch” session with Dcypher afterward. Ever a caring man, Devan gives in and lets the two crazy kids go at it. He’ll cancel the catering budget for next week’s shoot and pay Lisa with the money they save from that. Unfortunately, this leads to the sex, which leads to the exposure of the extremely thin body of Lisa Marie. I have seen this girl before and don’t remember her ever looking this thin. I don’t want to be able to see a girl’s ribs but if the Paris Hilton physique does it for you then you’ll love Lisa Marie. Rich eats her out and she then blows him, offering up an energy that hints to the possibility that she really appreciated the guy going down on her first. They do it in mish and doggy on his desk. However, any build up to the grand premiere of Lisa Marie’s “virgin asshole” is cut off when Rich suddenly shoots off on her face. Devan is wondering where the anal was too. Rich informs him that Lisa was just too good. He couldn’t hold out long enough. The joke, it seems, was on us.
The DVD: This is a nice enough DVD though a tad bit light on the extras.
Behind the Scenes (9 minutes)
Slide Show (3 minutes)
Final Thought: It takes good acting to pull off effective parody and some of these performers aren’t quite up for it. In reality, it is only the thirty something Dana Vespoli playing the 18-year-old virgin cheerleader and Brandon Iron that really get what Devan wanted. Mr. Iron is surprisingly adept at comedic acting as is Dana. If Devan could have put four more scenes like that one together then this would be a brilliant tape. As it came out though, it is a clever concept that will probably get better in future installments.
RENT IT or BUY IT: RENT IT. If only for Dana’s scorching anal scene.
About the Author: A current college student, Kelly began his infatuation with pornography with the likes of late night Skinimax before graduating to hardcore. As such, sometimes storylines go a long way toward his enjoyment but sometimes he just wants to see some hard sex. In either avenue though, girl/girl bored him to tears. He used to operate a fan site dedicated to Taylor St. Claire, who is still to this day his favorite porn star. Other favorite girls include Renee LaRue, Zora Banks, Cherry Mirage, Avy Scott, Alyssa Love, and Devinn Lane. Though he does generally prefer voluptuous, big-breasted women, he also enjoys the work of Stephanie Swift, Jennifer Luv, August Night, Luci Thai, and Selena Silver. He avoids Max Hardcore, Ed Powers, Vivid, and compilations as much as possible, and eagerly looks forward to releases from Evil Angel, Devils Film, Red Light District, and Platinum X. He generally favors anal scenes and DP scenes with big facials, but is too timid for gangbangs and any such other extremities. His favorite directors are Vince Vouyer, Mike John, Joey Silvera, Tom Byron, and Jules Jordan. His favorite porn films of all time include The Fashionistas (2003), Whack Attack 9 (2001), Nice Rack 6, and Service Animals 7 (2002).