In an era of porn where the zenith of a star's popularity is reached when she finds the nadir of her depravity, we have now a movie in which the star is, yes, depraved, but far, far from humbled. Here, Kristina Rose doesn't sink to new depths, but attacks them. She brings energy to everything she does as the newest Slutwoman, and one gets the strong sense that she really did enjoy making this volume of smut as much as we enjoy watching it.
In full disclosure, I sometimes like to entertain myself by pretending Kristina Rose is my girlfriend. So, when I tell you I'm reviewing Kristina Rose Is Slutwoman you should understand that I can't be completely unbiased. Then again, what is a review if not a collection of the critic's biases and his justifications for them?
By the way, have you talked to Kristina lately? Did she ask about me? Oh, you have questions of your own? Well, then, ask away.
OK, bottom line this for me. Is Kristina Rose, in fact, slutty?
I'll put it this way: after I watched Kristina Rose Is Slutwoman my penis ejaculated a single tear for want of an opposable thumb so that it could put pen to paper and write her a thank you letter.
A thumb? Really? Come on now, I've seen your penis and maybe it could accommodate a dewclaw. But a thumb? I think you might be stretching it a bit.
What the fuck? When have you ever seen my penis?
Dude...we're the same person. Don't you realize you're writing both the questions and answers here?
Oh, yeah. You'll excuse me if I'm a little distracted. In this movie, Kristina completely goes over to the dark side. You know, that side where sluts jerk off strangers, get DP'd, give more head than the St. Pauli Girl saddled with a faulty keg tap, and shout things like "fucking, fucking fuck it!" to the degenerates who, well, fuck them.
I tried to book a trip to the dark side on Travelocity, but they didn't have any available flights. Can you tell me more about it.
Well, to begin, Kristina is taken to slut boot camp where Chayse Evans puts her through her jezebellian paces in ways that would make Full Metal Jacket's Sgt. Hartman look away in disbelief (then maybe caress his pants lightly when no one is looking). Chayse starts with some ill intentioned shit talking, some slapping, facial abuse with a dildo, and maybe worst of all, strenuous cardiovascular exercise in the desert without proper hydration.
I love Chayse Evans! What else does she do to the new Slutwoman?
Hmmm...let's see. She grinds her ass into her face, slaps her tits around, bites her and attempts to turn her asshole inside out with an oversized rubber dong. And that's around the time the two go berserk and treat each other's genitals about as gently as Michael Vick treated those pit bulls. And that's not even hyperbole.
Hot. You said she does a DP in this movie? Who with?
She goes completely apeshit on the cocks of Mick Blue and James Deen. Not to disparage your mother, but this ain't your mother's DP. An entire pack of boy scouts would exert less energy starting a fire with two wet sticks than these two exert DPing Kristina. This is the only DP I've ever seen where each guy has to take an occasional break to catch his breath while the other pounds away on his own. I can't even imagine what she felt like later in the day. Granted, I'm not a big circus act porn fan, but I've seen a lot of smut, and I've never seen anyone take a prolonged double pounding like she takes here.
I like James Deen. What he lacks in foreskin he makes up for in sideburns.
Yeah, seriously, that guy has more hair around his ears than his balls.
Now tell me everything else that happens in such slow and graphic detail that I can draw a photo-realistic picture of it with a dull crayon.
Honestly, I'm neither that observant, nor that good of a writer. But I can tell you that Kristina is a FUN girl. She really is up for anything. After the intensity of spending an hour watching her get abused by a depraved drill instructor, and treated like an Amish butter churn by two plus sized wangs, we get to see her as the delightful, outgoing girl she really is. This is easily the most fun stretch of the movie, and I suspect the part that comes closest to showing Kristina's true off camera personality. It's quite odd to see somebody who's so eager to embrace her sexual depravity, but also, at the same exact same time, be so good natured and effervescent. Case in point, she flirts with, and flashes, passersby while Mason follows her around with a camera. Soon enough, she's talked a complete stranger into furnishing her new apartment in exchange for a handjob and a winning tale he can keep in his back pocket the next time his buddies try to one up each other's sex stories.
My best sex story involves a bottle of Maker's Mark and a fat girl.
I'm sorry to hear that, especially after watching her give five porn journeyman a top flight sex story in the following blow bang. The blowbang goes about like any other you've seen (five cocks, a warehouse, a resulting bouillabaisse of ejaculate), but it's made more interesting by Kristina who runs her mouth non-stop through the whole scene, gets drenched in cum, then demands the guys talk dirty to her so she can jerk herself off. The filthier they talk, the hotter she gets. My only complaint is that the level of their filthy rhetoric didn't rise to the occasion. I mean the girl is friggin' her own pie right there in front of you while covered in five loads. You've gotta bring it a little harder than, "Rub your pussy, rub your pussy, rub that fucking pussy."
You think you could do better? Pretend you're the one who's in charge of talking her off with dirty things. What would you say?
Damn. I didn't think you'd call me out like that. But, I can back it up. I might come at her with a little something like:
I'm going to fuck your pussy so hard it'll look like a plate of chili cheese fries when I'm done with it. You hear me? I'm going to wipe my smegma on your chin, make you call me Pol Pot and fill your snatch with bird flu.
Um...please stop talking.
And then I'm gonna stuff a banana peel in your ass and make you hum the Donkey Kong music while you blow me. And then, and then...
I said stop! That's not going to get anybody hot. There's a reason why you watch porn instead of make it.
Sorry, I told you already that I'm not a very good writer. Still, that's better than shouting "Rub your snatch" over and over again.
That might be true. But surely you realize you won't be turning her on with that kind of rhetoric. What do you really think turns her on?
That's easy. Manuel Ferrara turns her on. Finding her in an empty parking garage, Manuel seduces Kristina into a scene that is both sexually intense and romantically tender in equal measure. Shot mostly in looooooong uninterrupted shots, they fuck with the kind of chemistry with which Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers danced, though that comparison might sound a little too innocent given the abandon with which the two go at it. Whatever it is you want to see him do to her, or her to him, they do. But let's not blanch the spontaneity out of the scene by going into minute detail, but let's do leave it at this. Somewhere in Southern California, there's a parking garage that smells like sex. And not all the stains on the floor are from oil leaks.
That sounds like it might be the grand finale. Is it?
No. There's a lot more including, a girl/girl scene in which Kristina gets to dominate Charlotte Vale. Here, you'll find her mistreating her slave in a manner not unlike Chayse did to her way back in the beginning of the movie.
Does Kristina make her pussy look like a plate of chili cheese fries?
Um, no. But she does ride her like a pony into the next room where Mr. Pete treats both their vulvas like Sylvester Stallone treated that side of beef in Rocky.
Anal? There was no punctuation on that. Was that a question or just a verbal tic?
Why don't you tell me what you think it was?
You sound like a retarded therapist. But let's talk about anal if you want to talk about anal. Whenever there's an opportunity to take a cock or dildo in her ass (and when is there not in porn) Kristina does so. And happily. When a movie is called Kristina Rose Is Slutwoman the girl who answers to the name Kristina Rose does not cover her mouth like a geisha when she giggles, nor does she demure when men flirt. She does all the dirty stuff you dig. All of it. Including, maybe, some of the stuff you don't.
Please quote Kristina Rose out of context.
And, finally, what have you learned from watching this movie?
I've learned the following