The Plot: Yep, not every great movie makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. Conquest is a good example. Our lovely tale of lust and torn bodices starts with a hanging. John "Dutch" is about to die for his crimes as a pirate. Sentenced to hang by his neck until dead (Does anyone just hang by the neck until uncomfortable?), John is rescued at the last second by his Captain, his fellow crewmen and the timely intervention of a chick with big tits.
Naturally, no good deed goes unpunished, and we are treated to watching the crown prince (hilariously overplayed to perfection by somebody who deserved more credit) rant & rave about "Blackheart", our hero. Speaking of our hero, he and his crew are resting in the Batcave before setting sail. Captain Steubing receives a navigation chart and instructions to meet up with the rest of his crew at an uncharted island. Instead of thwacking the guy over the head for giving him a chart and instructions for an uncharted island, he wanders off to brood over the loss of his family. Nobody really seems to care (he wasn't exactly the life of the party) and continue to prepare for the high seas by ravishing the bar wenches.
Remember the rescuer with big tits from the execution? Her name is Rachael, and she's followed our illustrious captain into the tavern, but she ends up on board his ship for some odd reason. In fact, much of what she does in this film is pretty odd. After sneaking into the captain's cabin and admiring the furniture (namely by seducing her partner in surveillance on the sofa) the dynamic duo are discovered by a member of the ship's crew. Holy sexual favors, Batman! The first mate discovers that Rachael has the mark of another pirate, Henry Thatch, tattooed into the back of her neck, and he is about to kill her for being a spy, when we learn that she is his daughter and she ran away. What the fuck? Who tattoos their kids? What's wrong with dog tags?
Anyhow, Rachael and her trusty sidekick (hereafter referred to as the Babe Wonder) decide to get back to their Shakespearean roots and dress up like men. The Dynamic Duo then join the pirate crew as they make their way to their secret island lair in the Caribbean. Upon arrival on the island, they are greeted by the peaceful natives, and made to feel welcome. Well, they feel some other things, too (nudge nudge, wink wink). But not all is well in paradise, as some of the crew plots against their captain and the two top-heavy crewmen, who strangely never need to shave. Let's not forget the effete prince who sent a Pirate hunter out to get some head from our hero in a decidedly unpleasant fashion and the budding romance between our beloved rescuer with big tits and the Captain. From this, we see fistfights, swordfights, backstabbing, betrayal, loss, love, revenge, redemption and sex on the beach!
Will the big-breasted blonde bombshell with
become boat bait?
Can our callous captain contain this curvy carnal creature?
Will we see jolly Jenna Jameson jump on a jerk's johnson?
Tune in to the DVD and watch the finale of Conquest: High Seas, Low Morals.
No, I am not making that last bit up.
However, I must say that there is an excellent scene where everyone fights on the deck of the ship. It is absolutely better than the last two pirate movies I saw, and the directors should be proud. (Be warned: the last two pirate movies I saw were Cabin Boy and The Pirates of Penzance) It looks fucking awesome and I was not expecting to find it in an adult film. Even better, it comes right after watching Jenna strut her stuff, so you've got two little adrenaline factories to keep you happy.
Public Service Announcement: Always remember to pillage before you burn. Someone has taken this to heart (the next Brad Armstrong movie for Jenna was Flashpoint, go figure) and turned the traditional pirate movie into a work of erotic art.
The Cast: Hold on to your testicles, because it's porno superstar time! Yes, all your favorites are here for your viewing pleasure! Jenna Jameson is our heroine of choice whose skill with swordplay is only matched by her skill at sword swallowing, if you get my drift. Jenna, as always, is an extremely lovely creature who brings a not-so-quiet sensuality that is hard to imitate and impossible to duplicate. I personally like Jenna's sexual style because she never sits still and takes it. It doesn't matter what position she's in, she is always an active sexual partner. Perfect.
Backing her up is a cast that would make thousands bow down and worship whatever gods were kind enough to assemble so much erotic finery in one place at one time. Asia Carrera is here in a supporting role, with breasts that need no support. Shayla LaVeaux play's the comedic sidekick, meekly being pulled throughout the plot and generally causing problems and hardons everywhere. Sahara Sands and Missy wander through, along with Kia and Juli Ashton. We've got some damn fine talent here. Unfortunately, much of the non-sexual talent is wasted with some bad dialogue and a weak script. Plenty of sex though, so it's not a complete loss. :-)
On the male side of things, Vince Voyeur plays the captain of the good ship Lollipop. This lucky man gets the final sex scene with Jenna Jameson and does himself proud. Tom Byron, Brad Armstrong, Mickey G., Dic Tracy, Bobby Vitale, Alex Sanders... A good crop of performers, no doubt about it. If I must complain, Alex Sanders, while always a solid performer, needs an acting coach. Please. His "seething, grimacing and deadly delivery through gritted teeth" really translates into "we can barely understand what the fuck he's saying." There's no problem with his dick, though.
Alas, Conquest commits a common offense in adult DVDs, namely not giving full credits at the end of the movie. We know who acts in the film, but exactly who plays what is not laid out for you. I'm sorry, but I'm not very good with faces (especially when the camera is focused on pussy lips) so if I get the performers wrong, my apologies.
The Sex: Welcome to the first of our events in the 2000 Porno Olympics! Our first event will be the four-man Wench Riding competition. Today's contestants are Sahara Sands and what looks like Missy. Both of these ladies are fun to watch (especially Missy). It is one of those scenes that just sort of starts for no particular reason but you really don't care because it looks so good. Before the actual penetration part of our fist event, the lighting was inconsistent and key actions are cloaked in shadow. Hats off to the photography talent behind this scene, as the lighting is excellent once you get past the blowjobs. Aesthetically, the whole scene is very good, but those blowjob shadows have got to go. Speaking of which, somebody needs to get on the ball in costuming about appropriate attire for a sixteenth century bar wench. Sure, I know adult movies don't always have the attention to detail that is demanded in mainstream movies, but somebody should have caught a clue that bar wenches do not wear bright purple hair scrunchies.
The audio for this scene is a weird mix that goes really well with the action. Think of what would happen if you took those singing Benedictine Monks and let a DJ with a scratch machine go at it. The overall effect is butt-ass weird, but it somehow works. I'm glad the music goes well with the action, because most of the scene is shot in a mild slow motion that may be kind of nifty from an artistic standpoint, but it doesn't give you the sense that these guys are working very hard at doing what they do best. One other minor complaint is that both ladies seem to get into one position and stick with it. Sahara does doggy style, and Missy lies on her back and gets pounded missionary style (well, it technically is missionary style, but I don't think too many missionaries go spelunking down the anal aisles). They never switch around. This is really too bad because Missy is particularly good when you mount her on top of someone. Oh well. Both girls do anal, and Mickey G (I think) does a cumshot on Sahara's ass that would do Old Faithful proud.
If you'll follow your tour guide to the Olympic Gardens, you'll be just in time for our next event, the 200 Lick Relay Race. Jenna Jameson and Shayla LaVeaux sneak into the captain's cabin and go for a munchie carpet ride. The set-up for this scene is terrible. Fearing for their lives and honor if the pirates catch them in the captain's cabin, they have sex on his sofa. What the fuck? Anyhow, there is a lot going for this scene. A really weird shot where you watch the reflection of the two in a breastplate and the camera zooms out, pans over to a mirror and zooms in again. Creative! The music is much of the same from the first scene. Monks singing with a porn beat in the background. The two of them move from the couch to the sofa and watching them resume an intertwined position was a fine mental image. It almost ranked up there with a shot of Jenna's perfect ass as she licks Shayla into a sweet oblivion. There was a bit more spit than I personally like in my sex scenes, but not nearly as much as I've come to expect from movies released in the last year or so. In a surprise move, Jenna takes some pearls in her ass and the resulting orgasm sends her brain whimpering into a corner to recover. Again, one of the images you'll remember for weeks is that of Jenna's face, concentrated in ecstacy as she bites down on a string of pearls. Excellent work by all parties involved.
That's the problem with Olympic events today: No time to rest up between competitions. No sooner have you recovered from the last sex scene than Alex Sanders wanders in and discovers the girls. Before you can say "Buy my silence!" the three of them are topside (that's upstairs for you non- sailing types) doing the deed in the dark. I found this scene both confusing and entertaining at the same time. Here's why: The visuals are very good. Jenna knows how to work the camera, and she looks great getting munched by Alex. Hanging on to the rigging was a nice touch. The confusing part is that the audio is obviously out of sync to make you wonder what these people were thinking. Still, it is the visuals that will grab you, not the moans & groans of the stars. In fact, after a while they just turn the sound off and you get to just listen to the music. Shayla is working the oral action on Alex at this point, but the blowjob is pretty standard. Jenna looks like she's having a great time, and once again her eyes are doing most of the heavy acting for her. Shayla's blowjob isn't bad by any means, but after a while, Jenna works her way down and demonstrates how it should be done. We move to more traditional sex with Jenna getting poked from behind and working Shayla over with her tongue. I won't go into the blow-by-blow description. Suffice to say, the scene is pretty good, with all the proper protocols for a three way followed. Alex swaps partners towards the end and shoots a good load onto Jenna's chest and chin. A nice ending to a pretty good scene. Oh, the Monks are back...
Moving on to the track & field events, we have the pole vault. The captain runs off to go check on Gopher and his crew pass the time by ravishing a couple of the islanders, Kia and Alex Dane. The guys are Brad Armstrong, Mickey G. and Alex Sanders. I'll jump right in now and say that Alex Dane gives excellent looking blowjobs. Kia's not shabby, either, but Alex wins the event by a head. This scene is pretty rapid-fire. Just about every other camera cut shows either of the ladies getting stiff pleasure in a different position. Kia gets picked up and slid up and down in a standing position that was quite well done. There are way too many positions & combinations to mention. Just realize that Kia only gets one guy at a time and Alex gets two and you'll figure out the rest. The audio has switched from The Singing Monks covered by Sir Mix-A-Lot to you more typical porno sound. Lots of drums and what sounds like a xylophone. This is not a bad thing and this scene is actually quite good. Both ladies put forth a good performance, and everyone gives good pop shots. The editing, while fast & furious, isn't so hectic that you wonder if they meant to shoot a video for MTV. In fact, I would consider it just what I would personally consider optimal. Orgies are always rough to do well and this one qualifies easily.
While we wait for the team events to reset, we'll wander over to the doubles competition. Here we'll see Asia Carrera and Vince Voyeur giving an exibition in the 100 meter Pop Shot. Woohoo! Once again, the fates have seen fit to grant my overworked libido the opportunity to see Asia fuck on film. Well, actually they fuck on a desk, but you know what I meant. This scene starts off with more foreplay than usual and it seems like the film is running even slower than earlier scenes. This is really where Asia shines because it shows off her sexual grace to great effect. Once things heat up, namely when Asia spins around and sits on his lap, things just take off. Asia breaks out the high beams with that patented smile of hers and she does a couple of those hair flips that you see in shampoo commercials. It looks fucking great. No, not everything is perfect in paradise (paradise is defined by being attached to the dick that is sliding into Asia Carrera, just in case you were wondering). There are some things I would do differently to this scene in a heartbeat. First, while Vince & Asia are fondling around, things are groovy. Really groovy. The Singing Monks are back (but you can't hear the actors). After a little while they start to rip their clothes off like normal people. While this is happening, you realize that Vince has already penetrated and is banging away while trying to pull of his shirt. Personally, I would have liked to have seen this penetration. Second, while Asia appears to have found the perfect job, Vince doesn't look like he's having much fun for a while. He gets better, but for a while I thought he looked like he was at a poetry recital. Third, someone really should have edited out the boom mike when it drifted into the scene! The director switched the positions up a bit, which is a nice change and Vince spurts out all over Asia's chest. All in all, this is a good scene, and watching Asia work is always a treat. At the end of the scene when she looks up with those eyes and gives your dick a light little lick, you just want to... er... um, I'll be back in a minute. I have to go... I'll be right back.
Okay, that's enough of the one-on-one. Our next event is the High Speed Splooge race. Representing the innocent country of Hotties is Juli Ashton. On the other side of the mat is Team Gangbang (Brad Armstrong, Sean Rider and Claudio) that we scraped together from a porn star convention. Anyhow, the camera slows down and we watch two of these guys go get blowjobs from our lady of long legs. She's pretty good, but in one particular case, she doesn't have that much to work with, you know what I mean? Still, that doesn't prevent this from being an okay scene. Sean starts off in the background watching the other two go to town, but that doesn't last (although he did lend a hand on the back of Juli's head). This would be a good scene except for two little details. One, Claudio is IMHO a slightly less hairy and rotund version of Ron Jeremy. Two, the slow motion treatment has gotten old by this point. It's a gangbang, for god's sake. It's not supposed to be dreamy and gentle! The audio score didn't help. It's not the Musical Monks, but it's a gentle background noise that fits the images on your screen pretty well. But it's a gangbang! They should be playing the Williem Tell overture or something. In addition, thanks to the slow motion, the audio gets so out of sync as to be comical. Watching Juli speak and cry out in pleasure when her lips are firmly wrapped around a dick is impressive. I wonder if she can do that while drinking a glass of water? In addition, the perils of filmmaking onboard a ship have apparently taken their toll. Every wide angle shot with all four actors is taken from the same position, more or less. Unfortunately this means we get a piece of your screen showing Juli getting the old meat injection by Claudio, and the rest of the screen is Sean's back as he gets a blowjob. Still, the scene finished up in an impressive fashion, with a large cumshot to her crotch and two shots to her face. The first of which goes right onto her tongue and is never seen again. This scene needs help, and it's not really the actors' fault.
Yep, it's time for the event you've all been waiting for, the Flesh Javelin. Jenna Jameson and Vince Voyeur have an amazing coupling on a tropical beach with the pounding surf providing counterpoint to the pounding sex. Enjoy yourself, lads! Take pleasure in the finer things in life, for tomorrow we may die a nasty death to things with big, sharp, pointy teeth. With this wonderful reasoning, Jenna's character manages to convince her captain to give her what she's wanted all along, namely hot monkey pirate love. Yes, the finer things in life are what we treasure and as I'm sure you know, it doesn't get much finer than Jenna Jameson. This scene is absofucking amazing. No dialogue, no singing monks, no interruptions, just kick-ass sex. Jenna ditches the pirate outfit, but retains the knee- high black boots and they just add the final touch. Jenna really shows off what she can do by writhing all over the place and generally looking like someone is bouncing a basketball on her g-spot. The camera angles are exceptional and the backdrop of sand, surf and big rocks to lean against is just perfect. Jenna serves up a good blowjob, and then the two proceed to the big rocks to do some standing maneuvers. I won't go into too much detail, but it looks good right up until she throws one leg over his shoulder and they get into what I can only describe as a standing reverse cowgirl. At that point, we have moved from "looks good" to "Crap! I just splooged my screen!" Ahhhhhhh... much better. Unfortunately, it lasts for about one minute before they switch to another position. But that other position is doggie style back away from the rocks and this is where you realize exactly how cool shooting on location must have been. White sand, blue sky, white clouds, big tits, great sex. More fantastic images for your mental scrapbook to be found, and watching Jenna get a rump rampage in the sand definitely qualifies. Vince finishes up with a reasonable load onto Jenna's face and we all begin our cool-down exercises. Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out... if this scene didn't rock your world, check your pulse!
Overall: Lots of sex, most of it pretty good. No condoms, a little anal. The chief concern is that every sex scene is slowed down for your viewing enjoyment. After a while, you stop enjoying this.
The Image/Audio: The image is not too shabby, which is about the best I can say about it. The image is clear, free from nicks or threads, and there were no compression artifacts that I could detect. There is a very slight grain across the board, but you have to be looking hard to find it. Colors are true and properly saturated and everything looks true to the lighting conditions. With that in mind, most of this movie is shot in low-light situations or under overcast skies. Thankfully, the director did not light up the actors as if they were performing surgery. This disc may look like the colors are muted, but I am convinced that this is a product of the lighting style. The outdoors scenes (especially that last sex scene) are more what I'm used to seeing in an adult feature. There isn't the razor sharp quality that I'm seen from one or two other studios, but the transfer is much better than typical fare from your lower quality studios. Hmm... that didn't come out too clearly. How about this? "It looks okay."
Now, there is definitely something that must be said about the filming style here. Almost all of the sex in this movie is shot with a mild slow-motion technique. This means that the audio moans of the actresses are thrown off sync and the rhythm to every sex scene is essentially the same. While this is a good/different technique than most porn, after a while it gets old. By the third sex scene, I'm watching the action at double speed just to get things back up to what looks like normal sex.
Oh my god... I have never heard music like this in a porn film. This stuff kicks ass. Think "O Fortuna" with more Latin thrown in for good measure. Or, as I previously mentioned, take those singing monks out for a couple drinks and let them work with DJ Icey-Porn or MixMaster Dildo. Alas, it is nearly turned up to the max and overwhelms much of the actors' moans of passion. With the slow motion speed that nearly every sex scene is shot in, it goes really well. Just don't expect a lot of variation (in either the film speed or the music). For some scenes, the actors' voices have been completely removed, which can be a good or a bad thing. In the final sex scene, Jenna is obviously saying something, but exactly what, we'll never know. In addition, there is music during the dialogue scenes as well, which is not something you see much of in adult cinema. I like it, it is a nice touch. I wonder where I can get a copy of this? I'm serious, a couple tracks from this soundtrack would go really well in a mix CD.
Unfortunately, the dialogue is hard to hear sometimes. I noticed a couple instances where the background sounds would remain in both speakers and the dialogue would pick it's favorite speaker of the moment and play only out of that side. The DVD mastering of the sound apparently had poor material to work with (wind noise in the microphone, etc.) and then someone hashed it in the studio in isolated parts of the film. The mental voice of Vince Voyeur just before ravishing Asia Carrera is an excellent example of someone just plain fucking up their work.
The Extras: I'll cut to the chase: The real value here is the behind-the-scenes footage of the making of the movie. Literally, behind the scenes. If you ever wondered what making a porn movie was like, this is the featurette for you! This is actually not very scripted (or even that organized) but it is absolutely the best I've seen on what the day-to-day filming of the actual sex is like. Thirty guys standing around two people having sex, and about ten of them are two feet from the action with cameras. There is little talking to the camera. 90% of it is candid footage amongst the makers of the movie. There are little highlights that bring a smile to your face, such as the wonderful song the crew sings to introduce the featurette, and Jenna Jameson horsing around with the director a bit.
Other than that, there is one trailer and chapter selection. The trailer is the original trailer for Conquest. The chapter selection sucks, as it is just chapter numbers. No stills, no full motion video, not even descriptive titles. Just "Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3..." There is some contact information, but that's it. Nothing else. With the exception of the featurette, this disc's extras are remarkably sparse. The chapter index is unacceptable.
The Good: Hot cast, some great sex, and swordfights! The behind- the-scenes feature is worth it for the curious.
The Bad: The plot is a little confusing at the beginning, the acting is overdone and the slow-motion sex can get tedious after a few scenes (or immediately, depending on your preference).
Overall: If you like your porn with big budgets, big names and big breasts, you are in for a real treat. If you don't like slow-mo sex, then stay away.