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Closer, The

Studio: Wicked
Category:  Feature film
Directed by:
Starring: , , , , , , , , ,
Released on: 
Where to buy:DVD NewDVD RentStreaming/Download
MLyons's ratings for Closer, The:
Overall Rating 2.5 stars
Closer, The overall rating 2.5 stars
Female Looks Closer, The Female looks rating 3.5 stars
Male Looks Closer, The Male looks rating 3 stars
Sex Closer, The Sex rating 2.5 stars
 
Plot/Acting Closer, The Plot/Acting rating 2.5 stars
Extras Closer, The DVD Extras rating 3 stars
Audio/Video Quality Closer, The A/V Quality rating 4 stars
Worth$13.00
Rating Scale
Reviewed by MLyons  on  10/1/2005
     
The Closer

Mike Lyons Reviews    

   
Director
Brad Armstrong

Cast
Stormy Daniels, Lezley Zen, Alexis Amore, Austin Kincaid, Cherokee, Brad Armstrong, Randy Spears, Chris Evans, Eric Masterson, Michael Anthony.

Genre
Feature

Condoms
All male-female scenes have condoms.

Running Time of Main Feature
1 Hr. 52 Mins.

Female Orgasms
None

THOSE WHO MIGHT LIKE IT
Hm.  Hard to say.  Those looking for a light-hearted, not-too-funny, not-too-sexy porn comedy with just enough action to get worked up by.  Probably good for couples who aren't afraid of facials, but still aren't looking for anything too crazy.

THOSE WHO SHOULD STEER CLEAR
Anyone looking for anal sex, great acting, or really--anything other than a warm up for the "main event".

REVIEW:
So, here we go with... Cocoon... Er... I mean...  Here we go with another Wicked comedy written and directed by Brad Armstrong.

 

Scene 1 - Alexis Amore & Brad Armstrong

The movie wastes no time getting to the action.  Somewhere in a non-descript office, two people fuck.  We don't know who they are yet, but does it really matter?  Apparently one of them is named Buck--I'll let you guess which one.  The other one is named Silvie Garcia.  The performers are Brad Armstrong and Alexis Amore, and much oral and digital attention is paid to Alexis' pussy before they traverse through the normal variety of positions.  The video is just about as crystal clear as NTSC gets, and Alexis looks pretty, although I have to admit she doesn't really do a whole lot for me personally.  Despite Alexis' vocal affirmations of sexual delight, I really didn't get much out of this scene.  It was fairly average for Wicked, and barring any real sexual heat, without any context to go on, I was pretty much left wondering when the movie was going to start.  On the other hand, far be it for me to complain about sex in a porn movie.  Brad finishes off with most of his cum sailing over top of Alexis' face--so even the ending was a bit of a disappointment.  After it's over, Buck claims in an accent I can't place (French? Spanish?  I honestly do not know), that he's got some selling to do.

Big Billy-Bob King (Mike Horner), complete with an obnoxious belt buckle and bolo-tie is addressing a troop of car salesmen.  Buck shows up late, much to Billy-Bob's annoyance.  He introduces Tonya Banks (Stormy Daniels), an efficiency expert who, she claims, drove to the meeting in a $90,000 sports car and is there to make them better salesmen.  It's all very Glen Gary Glen Ross-y--almost verbatim at points--only here they're talking about cars instead of real-estate.  She spouts off an almost nauseating string of "motivational" cliches before she claims she'll sell a car to the first guy who walks on the lot.  That guy happens to be Eric Masterson--a man the other salesmen laughingly refer to as Larry "the looker" (a.k.a. a waste of time).  They all take a bet with Tonya (Stormy) that she won't make the sale, but let's face it--we horny on-loookers with our lubed hands (or our willing partners) at the ready not only know she's going to close, we know exactly how she's going to do it.

 

Scene 2 - Stormy Daniels & Eric Masterson

Tonya (Stormy) insists on Larry (Eric Masterson) taking the car for a spin.  While out, Stormy, of course dives onto his cock and sucks him right there in the driver's seat.  He returns the favor by licking her pussy, and before long--well you know what happens.  Stormy looks great, as per usual, although in a more business-y way than slutty--except perhaps for those heels she's got on.  I suppose there's something to be said for business-sexy in porn.  Again, the video is top notch, the surroundings are interesting (fucking on and around a red sports car), but, again, the sex itself is fairly cut and dry.  After some extended missionary, and a little reverse cowgirl, Eric lets a load loose on Stormy's chin.  And this is how we close car deals, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonya (Stormy) continues to wipe the floor with the other salesman as a hectic day on the lot continues.  That evening, Roy (Chris Evans) decides to ask Tonya for some pointers.  Just as she's giving out her pearls of cliched wisdom, a customer in the form of Lezley Zen comes a'-knockin' and asks if they are still open.  Of COURSE they're still open!  Tonya leaves Roy to it, and go to it, he does.

 

Scene 3 - Chris Evans & Lezley Zen

My God, you can almost SEE the cue-cards as poor Lezley and Chris hammer their way through an eye-rollingly bad stint of "pound-your-head-on-the-desk" dialogue.  Sexual innuendo and double entendres abound before finally, Lezley puts her mouth where her mind is and starts sucking on Chris' lucky cock.  Lezley looks excellent, as usual, and I find her to be quite the bees-knees in that hard-bodied, sexually-seasoned kind of way.  She might not be much of an actress, but she's an accomplished sexual performer and that's good enough for me.  She sucks his cock, gives him a little titty-fuck, and they rubber-mate right there in the show-room (reverse cowgirl, missionary/spoon, and doggy).  It's all pretty much the same ol' same ol', but somehow watching Lezley do it makes it all that much better.  I like her.  What can I say? Chris cums on Lezley's face, and thusly--he gets his name up on the closing board.

Buck (Brad Armstrong) discovers Roy's conquest, er--sale, the next morning, and he gets all motivated to reclaim his throne as top salesman.  He tries to turn on the charm with a new customer, Austin Kincaid, but when he fails, Tonya (Stormy) is there to, once again, close the deal.

 

Scene 4 - Stormy Daniels & Austin Kincaid

There's nothing really special about this scene, as girl-girl encounters go.  There's not even any real context--it's just wholly average: pussy licking, pussy fingering, and no toys this time.  If you've watched any amount of porn, you've seen it all before.  Buck (Brad) does listen in on the action through the door, and they catch him on the way out.

Not to worry, though.  Buck manages to hook a line into Cherokee in the showroom, and he makes no bones about sticking it to her right then and there.

 

Scene 5 - Cherokee & Brad Armstrong

Cherokee looks pretty darn good here--a dark haired, big breasted girl with a nice smile.  She gives him a drool-happy blowjob (well--relatively speaking) and is pretty aggressive about taking him deep into her mouth before he shoots a load right under her eye.  Can't say that I'm complaining too much about that--but for whatever reason, Cherokee only gets me lukewarm.  Buck doesn't end up making the sale, but hey--he got a "nice piece of ass" in the attempt--even though it was only a blowjob..  

Meanwhile, Tonya is busy sweet-talking a mechanic named Dick (newcomer Michael Anthony) to get a car done by the end of the day in exchange for some, you know... favors.  Before that little drama plays out, though, Marty (Randy Spears) who's been quietly working to improve his own sales-numbers, is being sweet talked by the office slut--Silvie (Alexis Amore).  She offers him some "confidence training", and he accepts.

 

Scene 6 - Alexis Amore & Randy Spears

Silvie (Alexis) speaks Spanish to Marty (Randy) and rubs her big breasted body all over him.  Rubbing turns to licking, licking to sucking, and sucking magically transforms into sex.  Once again, Alexis looks good, but she's not really for me.  She gives Randy a yummy looking blowjob, and he helps her out by fucking her mouth in deliberate strokes as well.  They fuck on a table in the office (missionary, doggy, and cowgirl) and Alexis looks pretty darn sexy with her skimpy clothes still hanging off her body.  Randy puts a substantial load on her tongue and she drools it out--taking credit for his status as a "brand new man."

Tonya (Stormy) has returned to the mechanic for the car he promised her.  He, in turn, collects on her own promise of amorous compensation.

 

Scene 7 - Stormy Daniels & Michael Anthony

Stormy's lookin' all cute wearing a backwards baseball cap while Michael works on her pussy with his mouth.  She returns the favor with a blowjob.  There's no intercourse-proper for this scene, but like every other boy-girl pairing in the movie, it does end in a facial with most of it running down her chin.

The next morning, everyone shows up to work.  Marty sports a new suit, to go along with his Silvie-inspired confidence.  Big Billy-Bob King (Mike Horner) is back to make a commercial for the dealership, but he suddenly collapses, then dies in the taping process.  

Yes, that's right.  He dies.  

Turns out Billy-Bob left the business to Silvie (Alexis Amore), and she plans on turning the dealership into a day-spa.  She and Marty decide to leave to pick out some massage oils (?).  Tanya decides to join them on their quest (??), and apparently Buck decides to strike out and open a day-spa of his own (???).  

That'll show 'em!  ...  ????

Ahhhh... porn.

 

EXTRAS:

All Access - The Making of The Closer:  30 Mins. Ick.  Unlike the movie itself, the behind the scenes footage video quality is rather crappy.  It's all pixel-ly and fuzzy.  ::sigh::  That's not to impugn the quality of the content itself though.  Mark Stone is at the helm here and he usually does fantastic behind the scenes features.  As usual, this is light-hearted and interesting, with some impromptu interviews and fun improvisational sexy stuff.  Quite enjoyable.
Bonus Sex Scene with Stormy and Evan Stone from What's a Girl Gotta Do?: 18 Mins.
Trailers: The Collector, One Man's Obsession, Secrets of the Velvet Ring, Road Trixxx, Shameless, Wicked Sex Party #7
Trailer for The Closer
Photo Gallery
Star Galleries
Star Stats

OVERALL:
Well, to be perfectly honest, this movie was nothing particularly special.  My favorite sex scene was certainly Lezley Zen's, but only because she was the cast member I was most attracted to.  Stormy looks good as always, but the rest of the cast was just not totally my cup of tea.  Beyond that though, there was not a whole lot special about the sex either--except of course Wicked's admirable consistency of video quality and production values, which always go a long way with me.  The story was just kinda there.  Randy Spears, as usual does a fine job in his role, and Brad Armstrong is a stand-out as well--although I still can't figure out what nationality he was supposed to be.  Perhaps that was the joke?  Or... perhaps I'm just a complete moron.  

Well, no matter.  

The rest of the acting was somewhat poor, and the movie had the feeling of having been a bit rushed through production.  Anyway, it's certainly good for a couple laughs, albeit perhaps more in the MST3K style than in anything the producers actually intended.  I would recommend it to the more conservative side of the porn audience--at least conservative to the degree that you don't mind facials.  Beyond that the sex is non-threatening with no anal and some nice female eye-candy if you like the performers involved.  I can't really say the same for the males, except for the always attractive Randy Spears, and perhaps Michael Anthony.  Overall, it was a fun romp, but definitely doesn't have much in the way of re-watchability--at least for me.


Questions or constructive comments about this review? Email me at MLyons@my.adultdvdtalk.com


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