Soft-focus 'porn for women' comedy with condom use. The plot is a satire about making an adult movie, mostly auditioning the male talent.
I like the idea of porn that loses the misogyny and formulaic aspects of a lot of porn, and that has more focus on the chemistry between the players. And so I always want to like Candida Royalle's movies, but they are so slow and boring that it takes major courage for me to pop one in the dvd player. I was thinking that maybe my memories of how slow these things are has become exaggerated. Or maybe she has changed lately and picked up the pace? Nope, I guess not!
The plot provides a few minutes of chuckles, but not many for an 82 minute film. Much of what is meant to be funny is only a ludicrous flop. The women are played in a very effeminate way -- the sort of soft, coy women who bat their eyelashes and ask men to open a pickle jar without giving it a try themselves, and whose idea of a good time is getting a pedicure.
The movie is also so careful not to offend sexually that it loses most of its juice, which is a shame. The first two scenes had chemistry and should have looked hot, but were shot in a way that killed the heat. They had odd or harsh lighting, slow, slow pace, few penetration shots, and the men as well as the women finishing without orgasms. On top of this, some of the sex scenes are intercut with each other, and even intercut with a non-sex scene. The effect is to slow down the sex, chop it up, and dissipate the heat.
Ava is visited by Brian, who doesn't know her, but he has overheard her saying she'd like to get married and have babies. He tells her what a good wife and what a good mother he thinks she will be. They talk for a long time, touching each other slowly, bathed in a warm, golden light, and sharing meaningful pauses. Oh-oh, some slow, school recital piano music starts and they glow in the golden light as they kiss. Still kissing. The twinkle of the piano music plays on, and they are still kissing. As the Hallmark Moment continues, I am thinking that perhaps I can do my taxes while they kiss... maybe I can fast forward... they are still kissing. Oh, wait, his hand is on her leg, and, wait-a-minute, now he is kissing her neck. We are really taking our time getting him out of his shirt. Ahhh... well, here's a genuinely nice part, she is feeling the bulge in his pants -- I would like to see more of that in porn. My husband has been listening to the scene from downstairs and he wanders up and says, incredulously, "They haven't unzipped his pants yet?" which should give you a good feel for this scene. It was nice to see the way her hand rested on his dick and a real-time affectionate blowjob with him, rather than porn's usual frantic grab and devour with face-fucking. A nice touch. But it's probably 35 minutes into the movie just to see a couple of nice moments. There's a rosy glow as he ever-so-slowly licks her, and the music changes to guitar meditation music. A big WTF as they cut abruptly to a non-sex scene, then back again. They crinkle a condom wrapper and move into mish. The sex has a more realistic look than a lot of porn, and it's nice (the guy has a good firm stroke), but so slow. From here on, this scene is intercut with another sex scene in another room, so in bits and pieces they show him pulling out and a very nice and hot sense of awe between them as he reinserts (Lord, I always love that!), and then a cut back to show them in a sort of post-coital bliss (no pop shot).
Leila has been watching Ava and Brian through a one-way mirror, and Johnny joins her. In a reddish darkroom-like light, he takes her hand and kisses her, then feels her tits and says "Wow." She tells him she's kinda shy, and he then pushes up her skirt to lick her ass cheeks. He turns her around to kiss her face, working his way down so that he can look worshipfully up with his face between her legs. About the time I find myself muttering, "This can't go on forever!" she sucks his dick -- for about 8 seconds. Leila and Johnny put on a condom and get into a nice standing doggie and standing mish, but are interrupted in the act (no pop shot).
Tara is a big redhead (and a real-life dominatrix), having a cigarette break in a storeroom, when Marcus wanders in. She tells him in a soft growl that he is a disgusting horny, pig, and then (as he moves closer) that he is a naughty bad boy, and then (as they press against each other) that he is a filthy little pig, and by this time he has grabbed her bare ass. She puts clothespins on his nipples, she sucks him -- we are moving fast in this scene, and it it a hot and promising scene -- he runs his dick across her chest and then strokes himself, she bites his nipples, they kiss, she spanks. Lots of hot action, lite porn cheez music, quite funny, and they are having fun - he's dragging her around for spanking -- my favorite scene so far -- and then... (bam!) a totally faked looking doggie, out of synch with little or no penetration shown, and the scene suddenly withers (no pop shot).
The last scene was teased in the extras as the first time Alexandra has done four guys (Johnny, Brian, Marcus, and Greggo). Well, it's not all that! The guys massage her legs and suck her toes and stand around and dildo her, and she says "I want you to lick my ass," but it wasn't hot. Only Johnny got a brief, condomed fucking in cowgirl, and she doesn't seem particularly turned on. She keeps repeating that she's gonna cum, but we don't see it, and that's pretty much the end of this movie.
Extras include a long and preachy 'Making of' segment in which Candida explains her special vision and the genesis of her concepts. It also explains how before filming they have long pep talks with the male talent with an strong emphasis on what to do if there are wood problems, and how we understand wood problems, and how we can work around wood problems, plus some other stuff about being limp -- now, go gettum, Tiger. The other extras include bloopers, trailers, and another long 'sex-positive' talk by Candida.
Porn for the timid. I think Sunday School teachers might find it too dull.
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