The film is introduced by Lance, a young blond with tattoos who looks about as cuddly as a porcupine. The kind who’d yawn while being blown. Rough surfer trade. He delivers the narration disinterestedly. The camera changes angles at every sentence. Are they imitating the intros to Masterpiece Theatre or is Lance only able to memorize one line at a time?
Cut to: three guys jacking off in a convertible. They are Levi, Teddy, and Billy. Levi is in the back seat; the others are in front. The back cover of the DVD advertises this as a NO SOLO EXTRAVAGANZA. I guess this would be called a trio. Though as no one touches any dick but one’s own, it seems pretty solo to me. They are talking either to the cameraman or to someone onlooker behind the camera in stupidly inane chatter. It’s like that section on the news when the weatherman the news anchor, the token female, and the token African-American start babbling amongst themselves totally ignoring the viewer who feels totally out of it. Suddenly a bare-chested youth in dungarees hops into the car and orders everyone to “cum on my chest”. (Who is he?) Well Levi has already cum but the cameraman missed his money shot. We just see his belly and chest covered with spunk. They do get Teddy’s big load as it drops on the intruder’s chest. (Who is this guy?) Billy shoots a “three-day” supply and everyone oohs and ahs. This is the scene where I realized the cameraman was totally inept. The camera either held in one position for eons or tilted and wobbled and never tried for a close-up until too late. I’ve honestly never seen worse.
Gus Ramirez—a gorgeous young Latino—now joins Lance and they talk about the time Teddy was delivering pizzas. It’s the ancient set-up where the guy hasn’t money for the pizza and must “pay for it some other way.” (Nothing original here in the scripting either, folks.) Of course if I were delivering a pizza to Manny Rivera he’d never have to use money. Manny goes for Teddy’s dick and apparently sucks on it. We can’t really see too well as Teddy’s crotch is in shadow. Teddy’s clothes evaporate and Manny is still sucking in the shadow caused by his head. (Let there be light!) Even when the angle changes, the shadow caused by Manny’s is head is still miraculously blocking the action. Teddy now goes to work on Manny’s limp dick. I don’t know if he gets it hard or not because we cut to a close-up of Teddy’s condom clad cock getting ready to enter Manny’s asshole. Then—damn it to hell—we jump cut to Teddy apparently fucking him in the doggy position. I can only assume they are fucking as I can’t see Teddy’s cock going in and out of Manny’s ass. (This is so sad to see these cute guys photographed and directed so badly!) The angle finally changes and we have a close-up of a cock going in and out of an ass. It then pulls back enough so that we can see it is indeed Teddy and Manny, but the angle is poorly positioned. Their scene ends with them side by side in bed with the traditional masturbation finale. The cum shots are in slomo. (Why? We have the power to do that if we want on DVD so it’s only distracting.)
Lance and Gus now go “to see who’s out on the patio”. Who’s there? No one, but Eric soon enters. He’s a skinny twink who looks to be all of thirteen. He tells another Teddy story. This time the setting is the woods and we see Keiffer and cute, slim curly headed twink walking through the woods. He stops at a boulder where he peels off most of his clothes, lies back and begins spanking the monkey. Teddy drives up in a four-wheeler, jumps out, and goes directly to suck on Keiffer’s limp cock. Teddy sucks but Keiffer never gets hard (and neither do I). Teddy is stiff for Keiffer’s sucking and it’s rather hot to see a cock going into that pretty mouth, but again the camera is misplaced. Keiffer continues his dry-mouth sucking of Teddy’s dickhead and the angle changes but I have never seen any photographer so totally lacking in any aesthetic sense as this one. Teddy goes to his vehicle for a blanket and Keiffer kneels to continue his suck. Teddy fucks Keiffer. At least I think he does, as what we see is an extreme close-up of an anonymous cock going into an anonymous hole. This goes on for far too long. FOR GOD’S SAKE PULL BACK THE FUCKING CAMERA! Finally we do get Teddy and Keiffer in the frame but the camera is positioned so we can’t tell if they are really fucking or not. It’s the position that is used in soft-core porn. Then it’s back to the extreme close-up of anonymous fucking. ARRRGH! We now cut to an extreme close-up of Teddy cumming. Keiffer and I never got hard at all during this scene, but we both feel screwed. At least I do, I’m not sure Keiffer ever was.
Felippe now joins the threesome on the patio. He tells of his hot tub encounter with Teddy. Again when the sucking starts the camera moves in too tight. Again the fucking is done in extreme close-up so it might be anyone’s cock going into anyone’s hole. And again when we do see both figures it is in the fake-fucking position for soft-core porn. Never in my life have I seen a director and photographer who were so completely clueless when it came to filming porn! Haven’t they ever watched a porn film to see how it’s done? And would you believe Teddy lights and smokes a cigarette while he’s fake-fucking Felippe? Oh, Jeez!
When we return to the patio Eric is supposedly sucking the cocks of Lance and Gus, but it’s the camera position for fake soft-core sucking. We can’t see the cocks going into his mouth. (Why am I not surprised?) Felippe asks if they want to hear about Teddy and his boyfriend Billy McGrath. They aren’t interested. I’m not either, but we have it anyway. (This is not the blond Billy who was jacking off in the convertible.) Anyway, Billy can’t sleep so he wakes Teddy up for another of this film’s fake fucks. (Extreme close-up of cock going into hole. Soft-core position so we can’t see that any real fucking is taking place.) I am just so frustrated with this film! Is it over now? No!
It’s back to the patio where Eric and Felippe are sucking Lance and Gus. Oh, my God, one can actually see the sucking. Lance tells us goodbye. Gee, just when things were finally getting interesting.
On a positive note, I like the title (though I didn’t hear anyone say “dude” once) and the cover art is very good.
I really don’t like to give bad reviews. I wish everything I watched was wonderful. And I really care about new emerging groups like Miami Studios and I think it’s admirable that they are ambitious enough to move beyond solo films and attempt actual features. I don’t want to discourage them; I want them to become what they can become by hiring those who will make them fulfill their potential. I want them to stop horsing around and remember they have a paying audience. I want them to enjoy their partners or at least pretend to. I want to see cocks going into mouths and asses and not just bobbing heads and jiggling butts. In other words, I want them to stop being amateurs and become professionals. I hope the next time they holler “Lights, Camera. Action” on a Miami Studios set, they have all three.